Burger King's new Whopper, molten fudge desserts, cheesy tots and chicken nuggets

I suspected that the new avocado & Swiss garnished Whopper would probably be a regular Whopper smeared with an inadequate amount of institutional-tasting guacamole; an overly-adequate amount of mayo; a scraggly half-leaf of iceberg lettuce (ew); a single under-ripe tomato slice; some cold, chewy bacon; and a slice of rubbery, not-really-melted processed white cheese.

I was correct.

But those cheesy tots were everything I wanted and more. They were small, fried potato tots with cheese on the insides, and they needed no ketchup to enjoy. And enjoy them I did.

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J. Wohletz
Philly, my ass!
Then came the darkest moment of my meal: unwrapping the Italian chicken sandwich. It was a mess of preformed breaded chicken patty with a timid smear of insipid, watery tomato sauce, and more of that nasty white cheese on a bun. And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, it did. I unwrapped the Philly chicken sandwich and found the same setup as with the Italian, but substitute unmelted processed yellow cheese, a smudge of nacho cheese sauce that looked like snot, and a tablespoon or so of some wilted, minced red and green bell peppers (ew) and onions.

I licked both of them a little, on the edges, but could not bring myself to take even two nibbles.

Thankfully, the new chicken nuggets were not just great, but really f*cking great! The magical test-kitchen elves got the breading right -- light, crisp, well-seasoned, not too salty. I would venture to say that these new and improved nuggets are pretty close to being as addictively good as McDonald's nuggs, and the missing Kung Pao sauce would have put them over the top.

My kingdom for a single tub of BK Kung Pao dipping sauce!

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J. Wohletz
BK's new nuggets are almost as good as McDonald's.
To make sure, I packed up the nuggets, tossed the chicken sammies into the trash -- I hope they didn't melt the trash bag -- and drove to the Burger King at 1680 East Colfax Avenue to get that sauce.

I went through the drive-thru and explained to the puzzled cashier that I just wanted some Kung Pao sauce. I held up my crinkled BK bag, told him the other store was out, and he laughed his ass off at me. But he brought me a single tub of Kung Pao sauce.

The first nugget meeting this sauce was epic. And so was the last one. My evening with Burger King was over, but the memory of cheesy tots, fudgy bites and the impressive new nuggets with that Kung Pao sauce remained.

I'm going to mentally block all the other parts of this BK visit, because I'm a forgiving person.

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"Marhashup, dinglebrahmo-wedoopapanoo"

He has a promising career as a Westword writer!

jenna-furrr topcommenter

@GFTW I have missed your frequent and acerbic witticisms.

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