Subway's missing inch: Five reasons the footlong lawsuit is ridiculous

Refuse to eat Subway at your own peril...

2. You could try making your own sammies at home...
...and make them any length you want. No one is forcing anyone upon threat of death by renegade Yakuza clan swords to haul their butt cheeks to Subway for lunch. Suing a business that provides a non-essential product -- sorry, Jared -- over something as trivial as an inch of bread makes me wonder if those two dingleberries ate too many paint chips as children.

Here's a solution to the problem of not getting an inch of bread: Make your own damn sandwiches at home. Bake your own sandwich buns that are exactly twelve inches -- or go batsh*t crazy and make 'em twelve and a half inches long.

1. Most high-profile fast food lawsuits are ridiculous.
Trying to milk some jingle out of Subway's teats via a lawsuit seems like reaching around your ass to scratch your elbow -- why not just cut out the legal middle man, grab a black ski mask and a Hello Kitty water gun, and just rob a couple of Subway stores and get loot the old-fashioned way? That would be slightly more honest.

But even scarier than off-highway robbery is this: This entire lawsuit gambit could be a super-secret conspiracy by execs at Quizno's, Jimmy John's and Schlotzsky's Deli, who're meeting in a dimly lit parlor, with cigar smoke and snifters of brandy, when one of them says, "Let's bring those bitches down!" This scheme comes complete with mustache-twirling and the high-up folks at Which Wich and Panera Bread waiting on speed-dial.

Does that sound ridiculous?

No more so than this lawsuit.

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