Five reasons to bag buying groceries at Walmart

This could be you.

2. You never know if you're gonna end up on that "People of Walmart" website.

We've all heard about the website that shows photos of folks shopping at Walmart, all snapped camera-phone wielding dicks who seem to have an unusual knack for catching people picking their noses, digging up in their crotches, wearing stained Looney Tunes T-shirts and holey, ass-crack revealing sweat pants.

I'm always in abject fear of being caught in a random photo while shopping at Walmart, even if I'm not dressed inappropriately for the venue or touching any part of my genitals.

Seriously -- it's embarrassing enough to be caught shopping at Wally's without the added paranoia of having to wear sunglasses and a hoodie, and to be on the lookout for self-appointed TMZ wannabes jumping out at me from behind breakfast cereal displays. And although Walmart is not exactly the runway at Dolce & Gabbana, I don't know anyone who actually gets dressed up to shop there, and I don't want my jammie-jams-sporting ass being used to publically humiliate me. If I wanted that kind of exposure, I'd get drunk on Ultimate Long Islands at TGI Friday's and take off my shirt again.

The walking dead.

1. The customer service at Walmart makes me want to take up a life of crime.

The greeters greet when they feel like it; the cashiers are haggard, have bloodshot eyes and exhibit textbook signs of bi-polar disorder; the customer-service employees are screeching harpies whose parents never loved them; the stockers are so stoned that Snoop Dogg looks at 'em and says "Dayum..." and if there are actual managers that work at Walmart, I've never seen one.

Friendly, competent, customer-service oriented Walmart employees are an urban myth up there with unicorns, magical elves and low-cost loft rentals downtown. I admit I can be a crusty, jaded misanthrope when it comes to large crowds of strange people, but Walmart employees make me look like Miley Cyrus. They look miserable and seem to really resent people shopping in the store at that pays them.

It makes me think of all the things I would do to avoid the crushing fate of ending up where they are. I'd rob banks wearing a Halloween mask, sell plasma until I am so dehydrated I can't urinate, even slap on some fishnets and sell my kibbles & bits to avoid working at Walmart.

But while I can bitch about the customer service being hellishly bad, I actually feel sorry for the folks who work at Walmart. It might have popular merchandise and groceries for low-low prices, but it also has low-low pay and even lower morale. While other chains like Whole Foods, Trader Joes, Sprouts and even King Soopers have higher prices, at least their workers are friendly and engaged -- and I'm willing to pay a little more for that.

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