Thou shalt not skip the tip! Five reasons I hate waiting on church tables

Jesus saves, but this pays the bills.

2. May the devil take your spawn.

Larger tables of church people bring with them hordes of little kids in pretty little dresses and handsome little suits, but underneath those fine Sunday clothes are miniature demons straight from the eternal pits of hell. I always imagined that dressing up those younguns and parading them around church, then muzzling them for an hour or more, then taking them to a restaurant where they were supposed to sit still and eat, seemed like a mega-church-sized pain in the ass for them, but my empathy ceased when I realized that the adults wanted to drink copious amounts of ice tea and gossip for several more hours over lunch, and not be troubled to supervise their offspring in any reasonable way.

So guess who usually gets railroaded into being free babysitters on top of being walking ice tea dispensers? You got it -- servers.

You really can't blame the kids for trying to bust out of confinement, but I could and did blame the church folks for creating the stifled little beasts -- then unleashing them on the dining room like the seven plagues of Eqypt.

1. Jesus won't pay my rent or my car note.

Jesus won't pay my cable bill, my phone bill or buy me groceries at the end of each week. Nor is the Son of God the one bringing big church tables diet Sprite refills every five damn minutes. Church tables don't tip very well, if they tip at all, and they aren't worth waiting on -- not when I could be focusing my efforts on serving godless heathen tables who do tip their loaves and fishes, with the added bonus of being treated more like an actual human being and less like that poor donkey that Jesus rode into town on.

Loving the Lord isn't a crime. Eating out after a church service, having a large party, and ordering annoying sh*t like hot tea and de facto DIY salads aren't crimes, either -- but treating your server like a sub-disciple and then not tipping him or her should be. Rude, non-tipping church folks used to be able to do what they do without being called out on it, but thank Jesus Christ and Al Gore for the Internet: Now they may end up being publicly shamed for their transgressions, and suffer the righteous indignation of tipped employees everywhere.

By all means, church folks, follow the Ten Commandments, be generous to the poor when it suits you and bring the good word to the people on the highways and byways, but as pastor Alois Bell discovered this week, you reap what you sow, and when you decide to be a holy sh*t, then be prepared to turn the other cheek.

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Like many, I waited tables in my day.

The place I plied my trade happened to be around the corner from a television ministry.

Every single day, we'd get the televangelists in for breakfast, lunch, coffee and pie, and dinner. Most days, they were polite and not overly demanding, although their penchant for lots of jewelery and eye watering amounts of cologne made us, collectively, question their thought processes. 

God help us when they had guests though. Let's order everything on the damn menu, ask heaps of questions (that I knew damn well they already knew the answers to), request customizations of every ilk, run up a huge tab, whip out your AMEX Centurion to pay and, then, leave a 5-10% tip (despite having received awesome service).

 And no, they weren't exceptionally unique in this practice...there were other groups we, as servers, hated as much, but it was their position as clergy that made their actions both ridiculous and especially annoying. 


Yeah, b/c this *never* happens with other large groups. Such as the rich trophy wife mommies who invade en masse with their undisciplined brats and demand no fat, no gluten modifications to everything (but don't hold back on the chardonnay and skinny girl drinks).  20 somethings who order mass amounts of cheap liquor, are loud and swearing constantly, yet leave you a dollar tip.  I could go on and on and how bad larger groups of other demographics are. 

Why not just come out and say you hate religion and anyone who is a member of one? 

 What this pastor did was awful, but she is just cheap, period.  Yes, and preachy, but she has been duly shamed.  Quit using it as an excuse for a bash session on religion.  Or at least come out with articles about how bad other large groups are as well.

davebarnes topcommenter

Another reason to be an atheist.


"Jesus won't pay my cable bill, my phone bill or buy me groceries at the end of each week. "

But Obama will!! Get your Obamaphone! Nevermind that the gubmint takes much more than 10%, or 18%, from workin' folk.

jenna-furrr topcommenter

@greatstateofCO Church groups aren't the only large parties to be high maintenance and not tip, for sure. And she should be duly shamed. I make no excuses. And there have been plenty of posts about server pitfalls, and will probably be more in the future. : )

jenna-furrr topcommenter

@GFTW Where is this Obamaphone? Does it come with unlimited minutes and an EBT card? I want one.

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