Five ways for the Girl Scouts to sell more cookies

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Girl Scout cookie season is again upon us, and I haven't seen so much as a single measly box of Thin Mints. Why am I not shoving fistfuls of Samoas into my mouth, or crunching down on Trefoils right now? Because those cookie-toting Girl Scouts never seem to be prepared in any area that I frequent -- and I have a sadly empty gut feeling that I'm not the only one who suffers from this problem.

So here's my list of five better ways for Girl Scouts to sell more cookies:

See also:
- The Girl Scouts are 100 today -- and cooler than you think
- Girl Scouts of Colorado prepares for the national organization's 100th anniversary
-Girl Scouts won't be arrested for selling door to door in Boulder, 'cause sheriff needs Thin Mints

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5. Send the Scouts to strip clubs.

Anyone who has either frequented or worked at a titty bar knows that the exotic dancers get bored and hungry as hell between sets, and they always have cash on hand -- or in various spots -- in the form of small bills. Sending a few cookie emissaries into local boobie bars is one of the best ideas since boobie bars, and eager strippers with money burning holes in their G-strings will buy the ever-loving, red hell out of some Tagalongs, because exercising in the buff, drinking and popping scripts make ya work up quite an appetite.


4. Have the girls go to retirement communities.

Make the old folks holler "Get off of my lawn---get into my recreation and crafting area!" by offering to send pint-sized cookie-bearers into every nursing home in town. Sure, the poor kiddos will be ear-pulled and patted by old people, and possibly bored to tears with stories about Dwight Eisenhower, but that's the cost of doing good business, and informal Internet research has shown that elderly people will buy anything, real or not (property in Scammistan or fake amethyst jewelry from QVC) -- and Social Security checks spend just as well as green and coin shake.

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3. Recruit more boys to join the Girl Scouts.

The Boy Scouts may be stalling and stumbling about admitting gays, but the Girl Scouts have always been the truly progressive ones, and they freely allow boys to earn badges -- and sell cookies. If the organization sucks in more boys, they could sent them out in skirts to hawk boxes of sugar-loot to trendy hipster neighborhoods where boho, artist and college-professor-activist types would buy the shit out of those cookies, if for no other reason than boys wearing skirts are so cool these days.


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16 comments
K. Lyn Baker
K. Lyn Baker

They all do. I always buy cookies because I was absolute crap at selling them.

thespot84
thespot84

one word. Square. Take credit cards for god's sake.

tropicalchrome1
tropicalchrome1

If they want to sell more cookies? They could make them taste better. If they cut the chocolate coating in the Thin Mints with any more wax, they're going to change from food to table illumination, just add a wick.

davebarnes
davebarnes topcommenter

Jenn,
Just go to My Brother's Bar.

Denver Dave
Denver Dave topcommenter

Is it just me or are the boxes shrinking every year?  For $3.50 you really are just making a donation because your certainly aren't getting much bang for your cookie buck.

ScubaSteve
ScubaSteve topcommenter

Stop at the King Soopers in the shopping center at Colorado Blvd and Yale on a Saturday or Sunday.  Those little Girl Scout wenches won't leave ya alone.  I stopped buying their cookies a couple of years ago because they're just too expensive, which makes me wonder if seniors could afford them.

ScubaSteve
ScubaSteve topcommenter

@thespot84 

Unless you pay your entire credit card balance at the end of the month in which you charged the boxes of cookies, you'll end up spending more than the $3.50 per box you're wasting.

Jon_S
Jon_S

@theglobalguy You do realize that these are re-sold cookies at $11 a box, right? I don't think that is quite what people would be looking for when ordering girl scout cookies online.

thespot84
thespot84

@foodcrazy @thespot84 oh you're saying that girl scout cookies are a waste of a purchase? and to pay interest on them would be even more of a waste? I was surprised to see so much girl-scout cookie hate on here but when I took at look at who all was dishing it out I'm less than surprised....

thespot84
thespot84

@foodcrazy @thespot84 where do you get $3.50 per box figure? (and yes, I do pay my entire balance, that's how you maintain good credit)

ScubaSteve
ScubaSteve topcommenter

@thespot84 @foodcrazy

Each Girl Scout council determines the price of the cookies for their council. For the 2013 cookie sale, some councils have set their price at $3.50 per box and some councils have set their price at $4.00 per box. Other councils may have set a different price.  According to the Girl Scouts Council of Colorado website, the price here is $3.50 per box. Not all credit card holders pay their balances in full each month. I plain don’t use credit cards. Debit cards are the way for me to go.

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