From Oreos to margarine: Five terrible foods -- and how we got stuck with them
There are some foods that are so vile that it defies belief that they ever got created -- let alone stuck around through always-changing markets and tastes. Necessity is the mother of invention, in some cases with shortages and substitutions, but imitation can be flattery, or just cooked up to make a buck in a free, open market -- either way, some of the nargiest edible inventions that people have come up with keep hanging around despite being basically inedible curses upon humanity, and here's a list of five terrible foods -- and how we got stuck with them.
Fish sticks.... Nothing will make fish sticks fancy.
5. Fish sticks
Fish are not spawned bearing bread crumbs, but somehow sticks of minced--often inferior -- white fish globbed with breading came to be an American household staple, and public school children are force-fed them so they'll grow up believing that fish should be rectangular, hand-held and bite-sized. Even the most expensive, well-produced fish sticks aren't very good, with burnt-potato-tasting crusts and salty, watery insides. We got stuck with these thanks to our British friends across the pond -- probably in retribution for Yorktown -- as a direct result of the invention of the plate froster in 1929, the first quick freeze method for food. To make sure it worked, food needed to be in slim rectangular cuts, and since Brits love fish, it was picked as the go-to experiment.
Unfortunately it did work, and today, fish are put through machines to debone them and peel the skins off, then cut into fish pulp, formed into frozen slabs, whacked into pieces, breaded and par-fried, re-frozen and boxed or bagged up.
And no amount of chives will fix these...
4. Instant mashed potatoes
Don't lie -- we've all made instant mashed potatoes in a pinch and most of us have gotten stuck picking at them at someone else's house as well, trying really hard to pretend they were delicious. Now it must be said that Potato Pearls aren't so bad -- they cook up fluffy and have a good flavor -- but those ubiquitous plastic zip bags full of dry flakes almost always turn into grainy mush that smells like carpet fibers, and they never, ever truly replace the exquisite beauty of form and function that is the real, actual mound of gravy-dripping, steaming hot mashed potatoes made with whole potatoes.
We got mashed potato flakes foisted on us when a Canadian scientist named Edward Asselbergs constructed the dehydrated flakes while working for the Department of Agriculture in Ottawa. The powdered food technique he developed was used thereafter to add protein to foods for people in nutrient-deficient countries, and of course, to create easy-to-make foods for military field rations and camping enthusiasts.
Vanilla ice cream by itself is a creamy, fragrant confection, and oranges are full of sweet-tart, summer-scented juice. But when you force them together into a frozen, hellish marriage of convenience you get an unpleasant, semi-milky, part-acidic bar of flavors that produce little else but cold, cough-syrup-flavored burbs.
There are an insane number of differing accounts on how these got started, but I think it's fair to say that whoever dreamed up dreamsicles should be chained to a post and gnawed on by rats. Popsicle popularized them, so I give them most of the blame. Then again, the company's other frozen creations bring balance to the forces of evil (fudgesicles, bomb pops and those new "Yosicles" with frozen yogurt) so I can't condemn Popsicle too harshly.