Five cocktails only a dickhead would order
There is a thin line between self-indulgence and being a dickhead, a line that any bartender could draw for you. On especially busy nights at any watering hole, there is always at least one person who decides to order some outdated or ridiculous beverage that takes up valuable bartender time, makes everyone else wait for their drinks, and earns the irritating imbiber the unofficial -- or official, if you are at some bars -- title of dickhead.
Friends don't let friends drive drunk -- or be the drunk who orders any one of these five cocktails. Because deserving a "bar mat surprise" drink is not something to brag about.
5. An old-fashioned
This cocktail is called an old-fashioned because that's pretty much what it is, and ordering it at any bar at any time is something only special sorts of dickheads do, because they know it's a pain in the ass to prepare -- there is a sugar cube and muddling involved. The drink is too ritzy for dives, too dated for ritzy bars, and even mixologists at faddish hipster joints will give a three-sweep eyeroll when some dickhead asks for one "made the right way!" Old-timey drinks like a Ramos gin fizz (needs a raw egg white and flower water), a brandy Alexander (gets fresh cream and fresh-ground nutmeg) or an old-fashioned are begrudged -- and usually made incorrectly, since bartenders aren't nineteenth-century vampires with eternal memories -- when old people order them, and when anyone under the age of 65 orders one, they're only doing it to look cool and impress people. Which is a dickhead move because the only thing you really have to do to impress someone in a bar is buy him or her a shot.
4. A strawberry daiquiri
Only dickheads order strawberry daiquiris (exceptions given to people who ordered them between the years of 1980 and 1989) -- and this means you, too, ladies. This frozen, blended drink should really be made at home, by parents disguising low-grade rum they're serving to friends, and secretly pilfered by teenagers -- because it would take an industrial waste tanker filled with these daiquiris to get anyone drunk enough to do anything really cool or really stupid. And the same goes for any other kind of daiquiri --banana or blueberry-peach-passion-orange-banana. Ordering any of these in a bar basically alerts everyone around that you a wuss-assed pansy-sniffer who can't handle alcohol; you are like the highway driver who goes 36 miles an hour in the fast lane. In other words, you are more dangerous and annoying than the guy taking Jager shots. And cleaning up fruity daiquiri puke off a bar patio table should be nobody's responsibility but your own.
Continue reading for the most dickish options.