Five cocktails only a dickhead would order

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There is a thin line between self-indulgence and being a dickhead, a line that any bartender could draw for you. On especially busy nights at any watering hole, there is always at least one person who decides to order some outdated or ridiculous beverage that takes up valuable bartender time, makes everyone else wait for their drinks, and earns the irritating imbiber the unofficial -- or official, if you are at some bars -- title of dickhead.

Friends don't let friends drive drunk -- or be the drunk who orders any one of these five cocktails. Because deserving a "bar mat surprise" drink is not something to brag about.

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- Best Contemporary Cocktail Bar - Squeaky Bean

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5. An old-fashioned
This cocktail is called an old-fashioned because that's pretty much what it is, and ordering it at any bar at any time is something only special sorts of dickheads do, because they know it's a pain in the ass to prepare -- there is a sugar cube and muddling involved. The drink is too ritzy for dives, too dated for ritzy bars, and even mixologists at faddish hipster joints will give a three-sweep eyeroll when some dickhead asks for one "made the right way!" Old-timey drinks like a Ramos gin fizz (needs a raw egg white and flower water), a brandy Alexander (gets fresh cream and fresh-ground nutmeg) or an old-fashioned are begrudged -- and usually made incorrectly, since bartenders aren't nineteenth-century vampires with eternal memories -- when old people order them, and when anyone under the age of 65 orders one, they're only doing it to look cool and impress people. Which is a dickhead move because the only thing you really have to do to impress someone in a bar is buy him or her a shot.

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4. A strawberry daiquiri
Only dickheads order strawberry daiquiris (exceptions given to people who ordered them between the years of 1980 and 1989) -- and this means you, too, ladies. This frozen, blended drink should really be made at home, by parents disguising low-grade rum they're serving to friends, and secretly pilfered by teenagers -- because it would take an industrial waste tanker filled with these daiquiris to get anyone drunk enough to do anything really cool or really stupid. And the same goes for any other kind of daiquiri --banana or blueberry-peach-passion-orange-banana. Ordering any of these in a bar basically alerts everyone around that you a wuss-assed pansy-sniffer who can't handle alcohol; you are like the highway driver who goes 36 miles an hour in the fast lane. In other words, you are more dangerous and annoying than the guy taking Jager shots. And cleaning up fruity daiquiri puke off a bar patio table should be nobody's responsibility but your own.

Continue reading for the most dickish options.


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446 comments
dragoongalaxy01
dragoongalaxy01

I like the frozen drinks because I like/enjoy the taste, its not always about how much 'buzz' a person wants. Maybe its just the taste they enjoy....Well..according to this article this person wrote...I am a 'dickhead'...*eyeroll*

Jesai Flores
Jesai Flores

I think the person who wrote this maybe a dickhead. wasting time.... it's a fuckking job just do it, bitch and moan, it's still gonna get done that's why the bartender is there.

Cody Young
Cody Young

Or they can do their fucking job and get a better tip for doing so without some shit head attitude.

Georgia Brown
Georgia Brown

Westword is the most judgmental piece of shit publication. I'm so sick of these stereotyping articles. So I'll make one up too. Top 3 Ways You Know the Westward Sucks 3) They use GIANT obnoxious ads on the website that show the desperate need to generate ad revenue over the desire to increase content quality and therefore web traffic. 2) They use images to sensationalize boring stories and don’t know the definition of sensationalism. 1) They utilize offensive stereotypes and hipster elitism for 9 out of 10 stories published.

douglas.boyle
douglas.boyle

This is a patently ridiculous article. 


There is only one type of drink a dickhead orders, the wrong kind of drink for the bar they are in. I don't walk into a corner sports bar and expect them to have the supplies or desire to make an old fashioned nor do I walk into a corporate event at The Four Seasons and ask for a Boilermaker.

A dickhead also will order a drink and not even know what goes in it.

Cj Nicolai
Cj Nicolai

This article hasn't been funny or accurate since "Prohbition."

Benjamin Q. Witte
Benjamin Q. Witte

Gin fizz should replace old fashioned. This was a fun article. But you left out the part about when hipsters send back their sazerac because "all I taste is black licorice!" THAT'S WHAT ABSINTHE TASTES LIKE DUMBASS!!!

Joman
Joman

These are great drinks.  This article is terrible.

g-slam
g-slam

A martini is made with gin and vermouth. A classic martini has nothing to do with vodka. Stop it.

Kurt Eherenman
Kurt Eherenman

There are no real bartenders anymore. If there were, they would proudly muddle a cherry and orange slice with bitters.

Kurt Eherenman
Kurt Eherenman

I happen to like dirty martinis, especially with blue cheese or habanero stuffed olives. Guess I'm a dickhead.

Jeff Seaman
Jeff Seaman

I had an old fashioned on Saturday...

Michael Fortunato
Michael Fortunato

just goes to prove bartenders are as useless as wait staff...

Clayton Graham
Clayton Graham

Virgin drinks nor beers are cocktails, and there is a time and place for a classy old fashioned, a light drinker's daiquiri, and smooth high-end dirty martini- whoever wrote this should accept the fact that everyone knows these drinks for a reason, whether the writer enjoys them or not. I'm ready for a red wine (cocktail).

Perry Martinez
Perry Martinez

A dick-head sour?...who cares what dickhead Wasteword dick-head writers have to say about anything

Jeremy Bronson
Jeremy Bronson

Written by someone who hasn't been to a bar in years. Old Fashioneds are one of the most popular craft drinks here in Westword town - and all over drink menus. What idiot wrote this? Westword just gets worse and worse. It's so sad.

David Atkins
David Atkins

Rachel Norkin I choose all of them with a side of Rachel.

Allison Piehl
Allison Piehl

I have to agree... youre a dickhead bar tender if you are legit going to complain about having to make drinks. Idc if its a pina colada a strawberry foo foo drink etc that is your job. You expect a tip. I expect whatever foo foo drink I pay for regardless of how busy the well is. Don't be a selfish prick. If you cant handle making the drinks bring on another bar tender or .. just make the freaking drinks like a boss and take the tipshare.

Ali Hassibi
Ali Hassibi

I think Sami had an Old Fashioned in Utah. Dickhead.

Melissa Peech
Melissa Peech

...Acting like a panty princess and holding up the line... Love it. :)

Marc Carnet
Marc Carnet

This is the stupidest article I have ever read.

Debbie Frank
Debbie Frank

If you don't like mixing drinks you shouldn't be a bartender!

Eric Isbell
Eric Isbell

Agree with the frozen/blended ones unless your at a tiki bar. A good bartender should be fine making an old fashioned or a proper martini though. I tip more for a well made drink. Btw a proper martini is made with gin, not vodka.

Steven M Palmer
Steven M Palmer

Bourbon Presbyterian is one of the worst. In fact, any drink that involves "muddling" sucks to make.

Matthew Meidinger
Matthew Meidinger

Get some real columnists. If the above criticisms weren't enough here is one more. Weak topics, poor perspective and no impact. Shame.

Matthew Meidinger
Matthew Meidinger

I was a server for over a decade. What you order isn't as important as how you order it. It was my job to accommodate you no matter the inconvenience and to do so with a smile. If you think someone is a dick for not thinking about you, the server, then you're a dick and should not work I customer service. Do your job, get paid, forget about it. We're getting awfully lazy.

Beth Hesterman
Beth Hesterman

Is my mobile malfunctioning, or did a whole slew of (mostly negative) comments just disappear from this post? Clay Houser can you confirm?

Christina Trostel
Christina Trostel

Westword clearly doesn't have its finger on the pulse of cool. Did I imagine the recent resurgence of speakeasy type bars serving these classic and complicated drinks??

Eric Frank
Eric Frank

Horrible articles only a dickhead would write...

Clay Houser
Clay Houser

I only order them at "Prohibition" on Colfax. That's the only place it feels right.

Heidi Collins Rosenbluth
Heidi Collins Rosenbluth

Old fashions are a classic cocktail!! A great bartender should be able to nail an old fashion! A DICKHEAD would order a Red Bull Vodka!!!

Linnea Barnett
Linnea Barnett

Um old fashions are THE BEST. this lost can fuck off

Milkman Amok
Milkman Amok

This article was ignorant enough when it was published, and resonates with greater stupidity every time you feature it. Imagine instead the headline: "Alternative Weeklies Only an Ignorant Asshole Would Read"

DarlingCR
DarlingCR

I'll only order an old fashioned if it's featured or offered.

Anika Zappe
Anika Zappe

Let's put this one in the archives WW. It's lame.

Victoria Lundy
Victoria Lundy

This was bullshit the first time around. If you can't be bothered to make an old fashioned, you're not a bartender, you're a dickhead.There are many fine jobs in the fast food industry awaiting you, and they have picture of the items on the keys.

JT Fulton
JT Fulton

Nicole- Any bartender that doesn't want to make an Old Fashioned shouldn't be a bartender.

Mike Trisler
Mike Trisler

Only a dickhead would write such an article!

Shana Worel
Shana Worel

"Any bartender who cares or is worth a shit would be prepared and happy to make an Old-Fashioned or any other drink the guest wanted, without judgment. As well, they should be able to bang one out in no time. If they can't, they shouldn't be behind a bar."

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