Five ways to really piss off vegetarians, starting with Red Robin's veggie burger ad

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That Red Robin commercial hawking veggie burgers really got some vegetarians' carrots in a boil. The ad starts with a mention of the meatless burger, followed by an actress saying, "We even have a garden burger just in case your teenage daughter is going through a phase." This was probably meant to be playful, but instead aroused the social media ire of meat-free folks who resent any implication that their lifestyles are temporary fad-fixes. There are a lot of vegetarians and vegans out there who are mad as hell at the Denver-based chain, and aren't going to take it anymore -- or at least got angry enough at Red Robin to vent on the Internet, which is our modern equivalent of shouting from a ledge.

While Red Robin is going through its own phase, here are five ways to really piss off a vegetarian. Do any of these things, and you risk having a kohlrabi thrown at your head.

See also:
- Best Vegan Market - 2013 Nooch Vegan Market
- The vegan Beet Box opens a retail bakery
- An open letter to militant vegans

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5. Assume all meatless people are hippies
The world needs hippies. They are mellow, lovable, peaceable people with good music and great weed, but not every hippie is a vegetarian or vegan -- and not every veggie-eater is a hippie. Sure, it's easy to assume that eschewing meat is a choice made by tree-hugging, planet-saving, patchouli-wearing, dreadlock-sporting, new-generation hippies who want to save innocent animals from getting knocked on the head and ground up for breakfast sausages, but meat-freedom lifestyles have been popular for decades with a broad spectrum of everyday folks in the city, country or suburbs, from every class, income level and ethnic background, and supposing that all meat-free people are hippies is like assuming that all meat-eaters are roughneck, yokel, mouth-breathing, Texas-loving, shit-kicker-wearing hucklebucks with no empathy for four-legged critters or two-legged mutton.

Ask a hundred vegans or vegetarians what the Grateful Dead's best album was, and see how many of them stare at you with sliced cucumber eyes and mutter, "Whuh?"

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Make a joke--go on....try it.
4. Say really stupid things about vegetables and fruits
"But vegetables have feelings, too!" "What about all the screaming turnips and crying apricots who die every day for you to eat?" And "You actually must hate animals because you eat up all their food!" These distinctly illogical and blatantly un-funny produce statements won't win any vegetarian hearts or minds, and if carnivores had any clue how effin ridiculous they sound when laying down these rectal-extractions, they'd stop and move on to other japes like knock-knock jokes or funny stories about dead babies.

And nobody ever makes really funny jokes about grains -- maybe that is the next, unexplored meatless humor terrain.

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3. Tell them how delicious meat tastes
Describe a steak dinner to a vegetarian sometime, just for chuckles. Tell 'em how the warm, bloody center wiggles under a steak knife, how the charred, fatty edges are blackened and crispy, and how chewing a mouthful of medium-rare beef is a combination of juicy beef blood and tender muscle fibers, all reeking of charcoal and delicious death. It never works, though. To someone who doesn't eat meat, you may as well be painting a mental picture of a vicious crime scene, complete with weapons and a chalk outline in the shape of a cow. The next time it seems tempting to give voice-worship to the virtues of meat, try to imagine a vegetarian describing a quinoa patty to you. How appetizing does that sound?

Feeling the wet crunch of ancient grains between your teeth will surely bring you around to the meat-free place, right?


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40 comments
Jerri Lee George
Jerri Lee George

Yes Anna White Berry it is! Imitation is the sincerest for of flattery I guess. Thanks for noticing. I bought the rights to use it but not exclusive.

Dee Bee
Dee Bee

Yet another Westword article about pissing people off. Awesome. I'm sure you guys could come up with better stories if you hired actual journalists with some of that dispensary money you guys have been raking in...

George White
George White

Just shove a friggin cheeseburger deep-fried in lard down these people's throats to make 'em STFU. The ad is funny.

David N. Muñoz
David N. Muñoz

But seriously Westword, you're one more shitty story closer to getting "unlinked" you have shitty so called, "journalists" and even shitter topics (if that's even possible).

John Bise III
John Bise III

David Anderson, I challenge you to read in Genesis the original diet that God intended for Adam and Eve. He permitted meat eating later, but that was not His intended diet for man. Besides all that, our digestive system is not ideally suited to process meat, compared to a true carnivore. I thought that was common knowledge.

Brian Zaharatos
Brian Zaharatos

Christine: your dog eats meat because nonhuman animals are not moral agents. However, nonhuman animals are worthy of moral consideration. That is an important distinction really worth understanding. Vegetarians may be judgmental about the action of eating meat (but not necessarily the person performing the action) because there really isn't any morally justifiable reason to eat it. David, that x is natural in no way implies that x is moral. And I wouldn't be so trusting of the Old Testament god to tell you what is moral...

Anna White Berry
Anna White Berry

Jerri Lee George...isn't that photo the cover of your book???

Jana Goff Tweedy
Jana Goff Tweedy

Nope, not pissed off and still vegan. Fucking stupid Westword.

David Anderson
David Anderson

Not eating meat is unnatural, God created us to eat meat, and I am going to enjoy the hell out of my nice juicy (well done)beef steak, and not developing early onset dementia, which often happens in vegetarians.

Christine Moser
Christine Moser

Some vegetarians are far too judemental and sensitive. Many expect the whole world to follow their diet, and when they dont they freak out. Idk how many times I've been friends with a vegetarian and they had to argue with me about eating meat. They always say a true animal lover cant eat meat... my response.... "I love my dog and she eats meat"!

Rie Romero
Rie Romero

None of that pisses me off either ...LOL I hate the taste of meat since I was little so no prob

David A. Jones
David A. Jones

I'm just happy that, finally, someone has outed me as the hippie I truly am. My guns, race cars and Republican voter registration thank you, too. And I do have to admit: I really like Red Robin's veggie burger, no matter what they put in their ads. Though I am a teenage girl, so take that for what it's worth ;)

Robert Gérard Church
Robert Gérard Church

Pretty shitty advice. Nothing on here pissed me off (I've been vegetarian for 25 years). I feel kinda' sorry for Wohletz. though, she wasted a chance to write a funny article instead of something predictable and clichéd.

Nicholas Richter
Nicholas Richter

This is so so dumb. Not entertaining dumb. Not onion dumb (npi) trying to be funny and totally failing. Being a vegetarian isn't anything new or shocking, nobody cares.

Laura Lampley
Laura Lampley

This article is just idiotic & not funny at all.

Zach Carsel
Zach Carsel

I wish I could feed on light...I mean as long as the photons were okay with it.

Steve Jones
Steve Jones

I've never been able to figure out where the noodle is on a chicken, but it makes a very good soup.

Jason Bailey
Jason Bailey

A lot of really slow news days, and folks scrambling to justify their paychecks around Westword these days, it seems.

Katrina Gardner
Katrina Gardner

I agree with Zach. I'm really disappointed Westword.

Zach Carsel
Zach Carsel

None of that pisses me off and I'ma level 3 Vegan.

Rocky Flats
Rocky Flats

Hey, Drunk Asshole Uncle on Thanksgiving! When did you start writing for Westword?! Tight!!

Mani_tou
Mani_tou

I only have one question from this rant. What is a kohlrabi?

WillieStortz
WillieStortz

I didn't do all this work climbing to the top of the food chain to eat tofu.

Honey Jimenez
Honey Jimenez

I've been vegetarian since I was 13, I am 38. My parents didn't consider it a phase, they just criticized me, and refused to do anything special because I was the only one (still am) in my close family who doesn't eat meat. I don't have any friends who are vegetarian either. I think because of my diet I have managed to not have Diabetes. It seems to run in my family. Both my parents had it (starting in their 30s or earlier), it's what killed them. At least one grandparent on each side had it. I have aunts and uncles who have it. My sister has it. The commercial was annoying and I can see how some people would find it insulting. But after the kind of anit-support I got from family, not much any meat eater says really upsets me. They are just uninformed as to what being vegetarian is. I learned the hard way, because I had no one to tell me what I could eat, and how to prepare it. Meat eaters consume plenty of vegetarian food and beverages without realizing it. Unless they eat meat at every meal, and every snack, they are actually omnivores. Meat makes up such a small part of the average human's diet.

Sarah Elizabeth Korus
Sarah Elizabeth Korus

I've been a vegetarian for ten years....it's been a really long phase. And yes, I've been asked nearly every question in this article.

Danny Ferguson
Danny Ferguson

You sound very upset and angry. Why? It's your choice to eat veggies and we still have freedom of speech. So get over it! I am mostly vegetarian (I know it's not the same thing). But I am doing it because I choose too for my health. I really don't care what anyone else thinks or says. So let them F**K OFF!

Ashley Stringham
Ashley Stringham

You forgot about asking them how they get their protein. That drives me nuts!

davebarnes
davebarnes topcommenter

Vegans are obnoxious idiots.

davebarnes
davebarnes topcommenter

Partially wrong!

I have a car.

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