Five best Halloween candies to give out -- don't be the cheap house!

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Give those spoiled little brats what they want!
You really, really don't want to have the reputation of being the worst Halloween candy-giving house on the block. So don't hand out Tootsie Rolls, candy corn or those nefarious orange-and-black-wrapped chewy things. And don't even think about gifting trick-or-treaters with shwag like toothbrushes or anything homemade -- unless you want parents to brand your house the creepy-roofies-call-cops-house. Being a Halloween Grinch could get your house egged, your windows smeared with tapioca pudding and your trees festooned with two-ply toilet tissue.

We're here to help with our list of the five best Halloween candies to give out. Seriously, no little boxes of raisins.

See also: Want to feel famous? Rent the Ecto-1 for a night of haunted houses and Instagram-worthy fame

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5. Fun-sized chocolate bars

Nothing screams "Don't bust out all the windows in my PT Cruiser!" more effectively than handing out chocolate to the greedy-faced little cherubs who show up on your doorstep. Tossing out handfuls of mini chocolate bars -- preferably name-brand ones -- will almost certainly guarantee that your vehicle will keep its windows, and your pets go unmolested. For extra points, get the mixed bags of bars with Twix, because there is no kid who doesn't love the shit out of cookie and caramel-stuffed chocolate.

Sure, kids today are spoiled little brats, but if Twix keeps your hubcaps on your car, it's a fair price to pay.

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4. Skittles

Skittles have been making a strong comeback from the Trayvon Martin story, with athletes crediting the candy with their performance on the field. But don't bother buying all the weird new flavor/color-changing/life-altering Skittles; you don't want the mooching tykes loitering at your foyer door to taste the effin rainbow of fruit flavors that Skittles has to offer. Just go with the original lineup.

And if you are a conservative, definitely give out Skittles, because there's a rumor that they make kids turn gay, and you will want something to blame for g-g-g-gayness at some point, if not now.

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3. Sneaky trick candies with tooth ink

If you have some free time between now and All Saints Day, stop by one of those specialty candy shops -- or hit the Internet, home of everything sneaky and inky -- and get some of those awesome and horrible tooth enamel-staining candies to mix in with regular candies, so the kiddies have something fun to show their classmates at school the next day, while they are already being sugar-strung little rodents.

With the current state of our public school system, the shorties are probably eating candy for lunch, anyway, and this way they get to drool purty colors on their standardized test sheets.

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3 comments
davebarnes
davebarnes topcommenter

"Full-sized, mother*cking candy bars!" which is what we give out. Every year.

Joe Weber
Joe Weber

"5 best Halloween candies for me to eat and possibly give out" would be the title of my article hahaha

Gerard_Portmanteau
Gerard_Portmanteau

Old lady next to us in Fort Collins gave out pennies. What a rip.

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