Top five ways to deal with the Srirachapocalypse
For those of you not keeping up on the latest news involving Sriracha, the versatile and beloved chili sauce may be getting scarce, thanks to some residents of Irwindale, California, who are petitioning the city to shut down the Huy Fong Foods factory, citing irritated eyes and throats and headaches due to cock-sauce production. As a result, there could soon be a Sriracha shortage, and this could bring about gloom, doom and an honest-to-gods Srirachapocalypse.
Here are five ways to survive the Srirachapocalypse:
Not having unfettered access to the coveted chili sauce is almost too painful to imagine. That's why having a backup stash -- and a backup to the backup -- is smart in the event that Sriracha becomes scarce. So right now, hit every Asian food market, every big-box chain store and every family member's cupboard to pillage.
Then hide your spicy bottles of loot under lock and key, and don't tell anyone you have a secret stash unless you want to be pillaged yourself.
It's almost sacrilegious to speak the names of other, lesser chili sauces (so I won't), but yes, there are other brands out there. Some are jarred, some are in less recognizable bottles -- with no telltale white rooster -- and some are even available in little tear-packets. Sure, changing brands won't be easy when you are used to the distinctive flavor of real Siracha, and the substitutes will lack the ever-winning combination of sweet, vinegary and hot bitey flavors, but at least the back-burner sauces aren't going anywhere anytime soon.
But changing brands should only be done if you are past the insane level of desperation.
The difficulty level involved with using only a teensy-weensy bit of sriracha at a time is higher than the delicious endorphin rush that you get from really squirting on the stuff. But if the scary rumors are true, then you may only be able to use a little drop of Sriracha on each piece of chicken, steak, pork chop or slice of tofu, in order to make what you have stretch as far as possible. A single bottle of cock sauce could last months if you mete it out like a miser.
This rule for Sriracha survival does not apply to hot dogs, however: Some things demand a full ribbon.