Five worst X-mas foods -- knock off the eggnog!
The holidays tend to bring out the very best -- and sometimes the dead worst -- in culinary acumen. In this age of gourmet foods and luxury drinks, it almost surpassed belief that there are still stale, tasteless and terrible tidbits adorning X-mas tables and sideboards in the misguided name of tradition. Almost, but not quite, because we know folks who continue to give out leaden fruitcakes and those repugnant chocolate oranges. And awful as those are, they don't even rate our list of the five worst X-mas foods.
At every office cookie exchange, there is always the one cube-nerd who brings these derpy little goo-balls and walks away with the good cookies that other people put thought and effort into making. Whoever (living or dead) decided that the unwinning combo of chopped date poo, pulverized graham crackers, desiccated coconut shreds, more goopy honey and a few fistfuls of bittery, chewy walnut-leavings is the official Scrooge McF*ck of all time.
The only cookie balls I wanna see during the holidays have rum in them -- and lots of it.
There are gourmet popcorn tins out there, filled with fresh, crisp popcorn blends like Cheddar and bacon, butter toffee with pecans, and sour cream and onion. But thanks to big-box chain stores and public school guilt-tripping fundraising efforts around the holidays, we all inevitably end up with at least one of those janky, dented cans with the picture of a puppy sporting a Santa hat, with the greasy, ineffective cardboard partitions, usually half-filled with stale margarine-corn (the yellow stuff no one eats), chalky cheese-powder-corn and what passes for caramel corn -- but tastes like parched pancake syrup.
I'm almost certain that these terrible popcorn tins are responsible for post-December dental emergencies, diverticulitis and skyrocketing suicide rates.
And if the horrible popcorn tins weren't enough X-mas suffering, for every one popcorn tin there are also two blue tins of stale, imported butter cookies, ostensibly imported from Denmark, but probably manufactured somewhere in New Jersey. Everyone's elderly relatives seem to have these dented tins on their shelves, filled with sewing notions or scratched-off lottery tickets, but where the cookies went is always a big mystery, since no one is ever actually seen eating them.
And nobody should eat those cookies, because the huge, implacable sugar nuggets clinging to the tops will take out bridgework faster than a ball bat to the grill.