Five worst X-mas foods -- knock off the eggnog!

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The holidays tend to bring out the very best -- and sometimes the dead worst -- in culinary acumen. In this age of gourmet foods and luxury drinks, it almost surpassed belief that there are still stale, tasteless and terrible tidbits adorning X-mas tables and sideboards in the misguided name of tradition. Almost, but not quite, because we know folks who continue to give out leaden fruitcakes and those repugnant chocolate oranges. And awful as those are, they don't even rate our list of the five worst X-mas foods.

See also: Five amazing fast-food holiday treats for 2012

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5. Date nut balls

At every office cookie exchange, there is always the one cube-nerd who brings these derpy little goo-balls and walks away with the good cookies that other people put thought and effort into making. Whoever (living or dead) decided that the unwinning combo of chopped date poo, pulverized graham crackers, desiccated coconut shreds, more goopy honey and a few fistfuls of bittery, chewy walnut-leavings is the official Scrooge McF*ck of all time.

The only cookie balls I wanna see during the holidays have rum in them -- and lots of it.

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4. Popcorn tins

There are gourmet popcorn tins out there, filled with fresh, crisp popcorn blends like Cheddar and bacon, butter toffee with pecans, and sour cream and onion. But thanks to big-box chain stores and public school guilt-tripping fundraising efforts around the holidays, we all inevitably end up with at least one of those janky, dented cans with the picture of a puppy sporting a Santa hat, with the greasy, ineffective cardboard partitions, usually half-filled with stale margarine-corn (the yellow stuff no one eats), chalky cheese-powder-corn and what passes for caramel corn -- but tastes like parched pancake syrup.

I'm almost certain that these terrible popcorn tins are responsible for post-December dental emergencies, diverticulitis and skyrocketing suicide rates.

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3. Butter cookie tins

And if the horrible popcorn tins weren't enough X-mas suffering, for every one popcorn tin there are also two blue tins of stale, imported butter cookies, ostensibly imported from Denmark, but probably manufactured somewhere in New Jersey. Everyone's elderly relatives seem to have these dented tins on their shelves, filled with sewing notions or scratched-off lottery tickets, but where the cookies went is always a big mystery, since no one is ever actually seen eating them.

And nobody should eat those cookies, because the huge, implacable sugar nuggets clinging to the tops will take out bridgework faster than a ball bat to the grill.


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147 comments
Nancy L. Fowler-Stricker
Nancy L. Fowler-Stricker

As I read that one they did say the non-traditional flavored candy canes are bad. And I agree with them there. I want regular peppermint candy canes, not cherry flavor or chocolate flavor or starburst flavored ones

Nancy L. Fowler-Stricker
Nancy L. Fowler-Stricker

You should have fruit cakes on the list of bad Christmas/holiday foods And maybe instead of saying 'candy canes' you should have put those so-called gourmet flavored candy canes. I would agree with you about those ones. But the regular candy canes are still the best.

Nancy L. Fowler-Stricker
Nancy L. Fowler-Stricker

Yeah, the Royal Dansk Dutch Butter Cookies have been around for a long time, but they are one of the bet tasting cookies out there! When I was a kid and we were going on a road trip, mom would get them and they were a special treat! YUMMY!! Now that I have found the tins and gotten them, my kids are eating them almost as fast as I can get them. My teen even wanted a tin to take back to college so they could have them for finals. Honestly I would be surprised if they lasted the trip back to college ;)

Becca Feiner
Becca Feiner

Noms - buttery taste! Although some shapes taste better than others, LOL...

Jef RV
Jef RV

I knew it had something to do with insecurity.

Nicholas Quinn Pike
Nicholas Quinn Pike

dewitos, beesh? desmond maybe if you left your parents basement every now and then you'd learn that these aren't words and nobody knows what the fuck you're talking about. also nobody likes you. but im guessing you know that, and thats why you spend all your time being an asshole to strangers on facebook...

Nicholas Quinn Pike
Nicholas Quinn Pike

haha this is what desmond does for fun. since he's never had a girlfriend he trolls around facebook insulting peoples character because of the cookies they like.

Nicholas Quinn Pike
Nicholas Quinn Pike

*worst hahaha, come on man you're making this too easy for me. im just saying learn to spell and use basic grammar BEFORE you attack my credibility. im trying to help you here (clearly you're in need of it.)

Desmond Moon
Desmond Moon

I'm sure cookies "luv" you, too (and I don't mean the edible kind).

Desmond Moon
Desmond Moon

You claim to not be interested but yet, have this lingering desire to reply to my every post. Face it, I own you, beesh!

Desmond Moon
Desmond Moon

Bland cookies, vanilla ice cream.....for clearly vanilla people.

Desmond Moon
Desmond Moon

1. I do not personally care about your sexual preferences/desires/etc. Yet, you clearly have this need to project your them as well as your own insecurities (mentally challenged) upon others. 2. You lack credibility (not to mention your pathetic grammar Nazism, to boot). Fail. Worse....troll....ever. Go back to your WoW Dewitos fest....DWEEB.

tkdkickboxer
tkdkickboxer

You have to be straight up fucking retarded if you think the blue tin sugar cookies are bad. Fucking kill yourself.

Nicholas Quinn Pike
Nicholas Quinn Pike

get the westword cock out of your mouth long enough to realize that im not interested in your demented ass, and calling me by a girls name wont help your cause any. but keep it up. hell, keep up any thought process that keeps you from molesting children

Nicholas Quinn Pike
Nicholas Quinn Pike

keep attacking my sexuality and insulting my literary credibility while simultaneously misspelling words and calling me by what you wish was my name. jesus dude, im starting to feel bad for you. i didnt realize i was insulting someone with special needs

Alyssa Mitchell
Alyssa Mitchell

Anyone who hates butter cookies has never tried them with Nutella.

Desmond Moon
Desmond Moon

Fail....they lack flavor...just like your repetitive rants, Nicky.

Desmond Moon
Desmond Moon

Shut down? By some random loser DWEEB on Lamebook? Puhleeze, butt boy. You're just a weakling little poseur.....and obviously projecting your own latent homosexual desires that you have yet to come to terms with. I'm certain there are plenty of advocacy and self-help organizations out there to help you in your struggle, Nicky.

Jef RV
Jef RV

I'm an Alaskan resident, Desmond. & you're a dick.

Nicholas Quinn Pike
Nicholas Quinn Pike

also "goodnight" is just a phrase for when you get shut down, since obviously you're too stupid to decipher that for yourself

Nicholas Quinn Pike
Nicholas Quinn Pike

wow, a longer retort this time. still lacking a single coherent thought or logic based criticism, but at least you tried! criticizing the beer in fort collins? maybe next you should take a shot at new york city for its pizza hahaha. and you're the only person whose ever wanted to call me nicky... i told you once i want no part in your twisted homoerotic fantasies... keep it up if it helps you get off, faggot.

Desmond Moon
Desmond Moon

They're as bland as the typical Colorado resident. Quite fitting, to say the least.

Nicholas Quinn Pike
Nicholas Quinn Pike

these cookies serve their purpose infinitely better than you ass wipes do as "journalists." i really don't think your organization should be criticizing anyone or anything when you are literally dead last at the bottom of your field.

Desmond Moon
Desmond Moon

LOL. It's morning, dickface....or are you still strung out from downing pints of shitty craft piss at the nearest dudebro bar (which seem to be the only kind available in Ft Collins)? Get over it, Nicky. WestTurd ain't hiring you. It serves as an indictment of you considering the less-than-stellar writers they have on board currently. Face it....you are a pathetic n00b.

Nicholas Quinn Pike
Nicholas Quinn Pike

a noob? ouch. translation: "i cant think of a comeback because i start shit on the internet that i cant finish." boom, goodnight you pussy.

Elizabeth Parker
Elizabeth Parker

They're ok dunked in a cup of tea if there's nothing else around. ;-) xx

Frank Lewis
Frank Lewis

I've been eating those cookies for as long as I can remember

Nicholas Quinn Pike
Nicholas Quinn Pike

dont involve me in your weird fantasies you fuckin whack job. can dish it out but cant take it? thats what i thought

Michelle Sayers
Michelle Sayers

My grandmother use to make home made butter cookies and send then to is from Denmark. The BEST part of the holidays were those damn cookies.

Desmond Moon
Desmond Moon

You, bub, are a creeper perv. Nothing more needs to be said.

Anthony Martin
Anthony Martin

We kids would always fight over the pretzel shaped ones.

Derek K-Brown
Derek K-Brown

It's not the delicious cookies fault you accidentally ate a spool of thread.

Nicholas Quinn Pike
Nicholas Quinn Pike

you strike me as the kind of person that would make a top five list for "worst recycled food related screeds" (wow). hey, fellating westword staff cant be your only hobby, right?

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