Five worst X-mas foods -- knock off the eggnog!

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The holidays tend to bring out the very best -- and sometimes the dead worst -- in culinary acumen. In this age of gourmet foods and luxury drinks, it almost surpassed belief that there are still stale, tasteless and terrible tidbits adorning X-mas tables and sideboards in the misguided name of tradition. Almost, but not quite, because we know folks who continue to give out leaden fruitcakes and those repugnant chocolate oranges. And awful as those are, they don't even rate our list of the five worst X-mas foods.

See also: Five amazing fast-food holiday treats for 2012

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5. Date nut balls

At every office cookie exchange, there is always the one cube-nerd who brings these derpy little goo-balls and walks away with the good cookies that other people put thought and effort into making. Whoever (living or dead) decided that the unwinning combo of chopped date poo, pulverized graham crackers, desiccated coconut shreds, more goopy honey and a few fistfuls of bittery, chewy walnut-leavings is the official Scrooge McF*ck of all time.

The only cookie balls I wanna see during the holidays have rum in them -- and lots of it.

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4. Popcorn tins

There are gourmet popcorn tins out there, filled with fresh, crisp popcorn blends like Cheddar and bacon, butter toffee with pecans, and sour cream and onion. But thanks to big-box chain stores and public school guilt-tripping fundraising efforts around the holidays, we all inevitably end up with at least one of those janky, dented cans with the picture of a puppy sporting a Santa hat, with the greasy, ineffective cardboard partitions, usually half-filled with stale margarine-corn (the yellow stuff no one eats), chalky cheese-powder-corn and what passes for caramel corn -- but tastes like parched pancake syrup.

I'm almost certain that these terrible popcorn tins are responsible for post-December dental emergencies, diverticulitis and skyrocketing suicide rates.

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3. Butter cookie tins

And if the horrible popcorn tins weren't enough X-mas suffering, for every one popcorn tin there are also two blue tins of stale, imported butter cookies, ostensibly imported from Denmark, but probably manufactured somewhere in New Jersey. Everyone's elderly relatives seem to have these dented tins on their shelves, filled with sewing notions or scratched-off lottery tickets, but where the cookies went is always a big mystery, since no one is ever actually seen eating them.

And nobody should eat those cookies, because the huge, implacable sugar nuggets clinging to the tops will take out bridgework faster than a ball bat to the grill.

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89 comments
greatfruitcake
greatfruitcake

I can't believe fruitcake didn't make the list. I'll take a barrel full of candy canes over one fruitcake, any day.

Aaron McMurray
Aaron McMurray

JUst had about 5 glasses of homemade eggnog with bourbon. How (of all things) could eggnog be the number 1 worse thing? Haha yea right. You don't even have fruit cakes in the list! Psshhh gtfo Westword

Michele Lawrence Schanker
Michele Lawrence Schanker

Really. Sorry I am kinda of a health freak all year, but I love those cookies! Is this just one persons opinion or something? I think a lot of people would agree that they are good!

Stephanie Sarad
Stephanie Sarad

The Westword has great taste and great articles. Said no one ever

Kyla Cangemi
Kyla Cangemi

Nooooo, I love those tins! My grandmother always had Royal Dansk tins to put her actual cookies in, haha.

Maat Human
Maat Human

just had some eggnog with 15% whiskey.. I think ill have some more...

Suzanne Houston Nash
Suzanne Houston Nash

Love eggnog with brandy. But no one should ever be subjected to yams with marshmallows. What is THAT all about? Ditto green bean casseroles.

David Capell
David Capell

what? royal dansk rocks! apparently you've never had a danish butter cookie with a shitty cup of coffee at your grandparents

richard.niemeyer
richard.niemeyer

Why you tryin' to make baby jesus cry? Butta cookies and tin popcorn is the best!

Shari Walsh
Shari Walsh

What's wrong with butter cookies? You can dip them in Nutella. Yum!

romerogj
romerogj

Agree with these people... butter cookies don't need to be on here. Is this author just a sad, sad person? 

James McMillan
James McMillan

I love butter cookies why are these so bad? Denver Westword

Nicholas C. Naranjo
Nicholas C. Naranjo

Funny you think I am a street thug because I am far from that you moron. Not my fault you had bad encounters with certain people. Probably got your ass beat too. If you act the same way in real life as you do on here I can see why. You have no respect for anyone's opinion and are quick to talk shit. You're an angry individual. That's very clear by your posts on here. Also, I don't need anyone but myself to handle a situation. It's called being a man you little kid. You should try it sometime. But I doubt your balls have even dropped yet to accomplish that. Cheers fuck face 8|

Ash Dani
Ash Dani

Danish butter cookies are amazing.

Nicholas C. Naranjo
Nicholas C. Naranjo

Says the guy that talks shit over the internet. You ma'am are a hypocrite. Don't get too mad about it fucktard.

Sterling Meeks
Sterling Meeks

Seriously, you and fat boy Aaron must be butt buddies in real life...and I use the term literally. I shudder at the thought of which positions you both take.

Sterling Meeks
Sterling Meeks

Oh look....Nicky Orangeman flexing his online muscle again as if he's on the street corner. Fuckin' tool.

Sterling Meeks
Sterling Meeks

Sorry, Nicky. Neither you nor fat boy here would even be worthy of any meaningful conversation. Lard ass would probably try to eat me whole and you are not that much different than the wannabe street thugs I used to encounter back in high school and who often traveled in packs because, individually, they're pathetically weak in both mind and body to able to hold their own.

Joe Ponce de Carrano
Joe Ponce de Carrano

If your a bourgeois retard like this writer. But giving Chinese plastic shit as presents is ok.

Candie Bernard
Candie Bernard

I agree with all of these except the butter cookies, which are super tasty. That disgusting mucus-y egg nog mess and the stale Walmart popcorn can go elsewhere.

Nicholas C. Naranjo
Nicholas C. Naranjo

That's all he does is respond to people's opinions and tries dumbing their opinion down. He plays it off like he knows what he's talking about but is nothing but diarrhea and non sense. I am willing to bet all that stuff he said about you is a reflection of himself. Time to leave the cave Sterling Meeks. There's a big world out there where you can actually interact with people. I'd love to see you talk to someone in real life the way you do on here.

Aaron E. O'Doyle-Rulez
Aaron E. O'Doyle-Rulez

Agreed Nicholas C. Naranjo, Sterling Meeks is definitely Ww's little troll bitch, in response to the overwhelming disappointment to the Ww's increasingly craptastic articles, that aren't even good enough to make it to the free weekly printed rag, I'm sure Clownshoes Meeks is absolutely correct about the author of this story, Trolls know the taste of each other's Shite!

Elise Benten
Elise Benten

How dare you, those cookies are heaven in blue tin.

Nicholas C. Naranjo
Nicholas C. Naranjo

Oh look Sterling Meeks. Ww's troll aka probably one of the writers that made a fake Facebook so they can talk shit to other's that don't agree about a report. Fuckin idiot.

David Dinsmore
David Dinsmore

Send them all to me!! That goes double for the butter cookies!

Sterling Meeks
Sterling Meeks

Ahem. The author is Jenn Wohletz, who has a history of publishing shitty food articles (and articles about shitty food) written strictly for the purpose of eliciting endless butthurt from you Lamebook DWEEBS -- especially morbidly obese slobs like Aaron E. O'Doyle who "rulez" his parents' basement during a CoD frag fest with his equally unkempt fellow losers. Keep taking the bait, suckers.

Adam Aedro Drotar
Adam Aedro Drotar

What next? No turkey on thanksgiving? You didn't even put fruit cake in the list.

Priya Butani Nye
Priya Butani Nye

Another choice to post an article that makes readers do an unnecessary double take.... leave WHAT at home???? thankfully WW does post worthwhile articles as well. Has anyone dunked butter cookies in eggnog?

Aaron E. O'Doyle-Rulez
Aaron E. O'Doyle-Rulez

Well Fuck you Westword, stay at your own sorry ass house, and don't invite any of your stupid ass friends that might so terrible as bring some holiday treats to share, this is such shitty and selfish story, I can't believe how whiney you are!

Sarah Leslie
Sarah Leslie

STFU, WestWord! Butter cookies are awesome.

Jutta Hatcher
Jutta Hatcher

FREAKN LOVE THEM. One of the best holiday cookies.

Stephen Huang
Stephen Huang

Crumble up the butter cookies and mix into frosting, with a little nutmeg and cinnamon, top on cupcakes.

Jared Berger
Jared Berger

Yeah, you're out of touch. Butter cookies from any bag or tin is A-OK in my book.

Teresa Walker
Teresa Walker

But I love the pretzel shaped ones with the sugar sprinkled on top! ;-)

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