Denver Food Blog

​Attention Cereal Eaters: The following ten cereal mascots are wanted by the authorities for a variety of criminal activities. They are fugitives from justice and currently at-large. United States law enforcement agencies encourage the community to assist in the fight against crime by overcoming the three key elements that inhibit community involvement in the apprehension, arrest, and conviction of these criminal breakfast elements: fear, apathy, and morning hunger.

If you see any of these most-wanted cereal pitchmen, please do not approach. Contact your local FBI office, American Embassy, or grocer. And under no circumstances should you supply them with, or accept from them, cold cereal and milk.

​​Total Cinnamon Crunch
General Mills
Rating: Two spoons out of four

Cereal description: Ridged squares that look as if they've been toasted and sprinkled with cinnamon -- although that last ingredient appears on the roster after a slew of other items. Some of the things in line in front of it make sense (whole grain wheat, rice flour, sugar) -- but it also trails a couple of elements with chemistry-class names. Would it have been more appropriate had General Mills dubbed this stuff Total Maltodextrin Crunch? Or Total Tricalcium Phosphate Crunch? Maybe so -- and that's frightening.

​​Low Fat Granola with Raisins
Kellogg's
Rating: Two-and-a-half spoons out of four

Cereal description: What isn't in this stuff? There's whole oats and whole grain wheat, some of it fused together in random wads, like meteorites collecting fragments during the trip through space, other parts shattered into jagged fragments. Add raisins, almonds and rice and the results resemble an explosion at Whole Foods. Oh, the humanity.

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Leapin Lemurs
EnviroKidz
Rating: Two-and-a-half spoons out of four

Cereal description: Here's a partial list of ingredients in Leapin' Lemurs: "organic corn meal," "organic whole grain corn meal," "organic evaported cane juice," "organic peanut butter," "organic molasses," "organic cocoa," "organic soy oil" -- as opposed to "soy oil assembled in a lab using only unnatural ingredients made in other labs," I suppose. Based on this list, I'm guessing that the folks who market this brand want people to know it's organic -- but I can't say for sure.

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Cap'n Crunch's Race Car Crunch
Quaker
Rating: Three-and-a-half spoons out of four

Cereal description: This time around, the classic slab o' Crunch -- yellow in color, corn and oats in content, and shaped kinda like a piece of shredded wheat (but delicious, not bleeech!) -- is supplemented by Crunch Berry-like bits molded to resemble blue, red and light orange-ish sedans. On a real track, these alleged race cars would finish at the back of the pack. On the breakfast table, though, they win the trophy with space to spare.

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Corn Flakes Touch of Honey/Toque de Miel
Kellogg's
Rating: Two spoons out of four

Cereal description: Yes, they're flakes made of corn. But unlike other flakes made of corn -- or corn flakes, if you insist -- they give off a glossy bronze glow, as if they've been spending most of their free time by the pool, absorbing beams directly from the sun overhead as well as those bouncing off the artificially blue water. In other words, they're the George Hamilton of corn flakes.

​​Graham Bumpers
Mother's
Rating: Three spoons out of four

Cereal description: Corn, oat and rice mashed together and then molded into thick, gently curved, boldly rippled rectangles. They resemble outdoor-recliner cushions made of wood, or perhaps swimming pool rafts destined to sink to the bottom in a matter of seconds. But no: They float.

​​Total Cranberry Crunch
General Mills
Rating: Two-and-a-half spoons out of four

Cereal description: Brown wheat flakes of the sort that are typically described as "hearty" (presumably because they're supposed to prevent your aorta from exploding), supplemented by wads of oat bits typically described as "oat clusters" (because "wads of oat bits" isn't all that appetizing) and dried cranberries typically described as "dried cranberries" (because that's what they are).

​​​Cinnamon Chex
General Mills
Rating: Three-and-a-quarter spoons out of four

Cereal description: The familiar Chex shape -- puffy, square grids, like graph paper made for chewing -- is present and accounted for, as are the base ingredients of rice and corn flour. Some of the pieces are a light brown color, while the others are darker and bear the mark of delectable cinnamon sprinkles in both the relatively new original recipe and the even-more-recent "gluten-free" rebranding. However, there are subtle variances between the two when cereal hits mouth.

Raisin Bran Extra!
Kellogg's
Rating: Two-and-a-half spoons out of four

Cereal description: Whole wheat flakes are joined by the usual number of raisins, plus the (very) occasional cranberry, almond slices and yogurt wads with an interior consisting in part of "palm kernel," which I didn't know existed until I read the list of ingredients. I knew about the sugar, though. Oh, yes: I knew a lot about that....

Apple Jacks Gliders
Kellogg's
Rating: Three spoons out of four

Cereal description: Corn, wheat and oat flour provides the foundation for this crunchy treat, but the colors of the pieces, which include "limited edition" gliders (a.k.a. puffy triangles with a whole in the middle) along with the familiar bespeckled doughnuts, are like nothing found in nature. Pale orange that looks like a fake tan on a ninety-something Floridian. Light blue that resembles the hair on the aforementioned ninety-something Floridian. And a green that I was surprised to discover didn't glow in the dark. Maybe that's something to work on for the next limited edition....

Clifford Crunch
Cascadian Farm Organic
Rating: Two-and-a-half spoons out of four:

Cereal description: Light-tan oat and barley bits formed into a variety of shapes; they resemble an arrowhead, a clover and a fish that could be mistaken for a Christian symbol by those who want to make eating a prayerful experience. What does any of this have to do with Clifford, a certain oversized, carrot-topped (and -bottomed) pooch? Somewhere between "nothing" and "absolutely nothing." C'mon, guys: Give the dog a bone.

Puffed Millet Cereal
Arrowhead Mills
Rating: No spoons out of four

Cereal description: Small, light tan beads of grain intermittently marked by dark brown specks. They resemble the tiny bits that wind up at the bottom of the popcorn bowl along with unpopped kernels and/or random seeds that attract birds to overgrown areas. Not that tweeters would likely enjoy them any more than humans will.

Cinna-Graham Honey-Comb
Post
Rating: Three spoons out of four

Cereal description: The ingredients for these these thick, hefty, seven-holed wheels include corn flour, oat flour, assorted vitamins, caramel coloring that makes the bits a tad darker than original recipe Honey-Comb, and not much more. It's one of the shorter rosters I've seen for any mass-market cereal -- brevity that would be on the level of health food if not for one thing: Sugar, glorious sugar, places second on the list. Thank goodness for not-so-small favors.

All-Bran Yogurt Bites
Kellogg's
Rating: One-and-a-half stars out of four

Cereal description: Large, hearty, darkish brown wheat flakes supplemented by clusters made of wheat, oats and rice and coated in vanilla yogurt. The resulting shapes look alternately like stray jism globules or melting, misshapen faces of the sort that pop out of the darkness during the most disturbing dreams. I think I just lost my appetite....

Mighty Bites HoneyCrunch
Kashi
Rating: One-and-a-half spoons out of four

Cereal description: Lots of different grains in this stuff: oat, wheat, corn, rice, rye, barley -- pretty much everything included in the grain page on Wikipedia other than millet (which is just as well, since I don't know what the hell that is). The pieces come out an industrial light-tan hue and are shaped like little people, complete with a small head, stubby arms and thick-thighed legs. It's cereal as cannibalism -- although taking a bite out of your neighbor would probably be tastier.

Star Trek cereal
Kellogg's
Rating: Three spoons out of four

Cereal description: Oat discs that resemble mini-cinnamon rolls, even though the designers insist that they represent spinning galaxies. (Maybe to someone who's never been to a bakery.) These bits are supplemented by marshmallows stamped into two primary shapes -- circles with a blend of either pink-and-white slashes (they're supposed to honor Planet Vulcan) or blue-and-white whorls (Planet Earth), plus yellow, pink or blue arrowheads that duplicate the Star Fleet insignia, pretty much. And did I mention that they're marshmallows?

Golden Grahams
General Mills
Rating: Two-and-a-half spoons out of four.

Cereal description: Thin, rigid -- and ridged -- rectangles made of whole grain wheat and corn meal whose color corresponds with the brown-sugar syrup that's largely used to flavor them. And strangely enough, that's about it: There are far fewer mystery ingredients in this recipe than most mass-manufactured cereals. Which, frankly, is a reason for concern.

Smart Start Toasted Oat
Kellogg's
Rating: Two-and-a-half spoons out of four

Cereal description: Heavy, dark oat flakes that ripple and curl like shingles that should have been replaced a few decades earlier. They're supplemented by rolled oats, wheat, rice and God knows what else bound together in light-hued wads that resemble granular meteorites. They're as rare as interstellar projectiles, too -- but at least they're sweet, thank goodness.

Special K Blueberry
Kellogg's
Rating: Two spoons out of four

Cereal description: Rice and wheat flakes that are large, rough-hewn and speckled with dark dots that would probably cause most folks to phone their physician if they started showing up on their forehead. There are also supposed to be "blueberry-flavored clusters" consisting of rolled oats and a smattering of other ingredients. But halfway through the box, I've only found one -- so perhaps that description should have been kept singular.

Trix
General Mills
Rating: Two spoons out of four

Cereal description: Puffed corn orbs in a variety of notably radioactive colors: a light green that would result in thousands of casualties if it was ever used on camouflaged uniforms, an orange that looks like a nugget of hellfire, a yellow as blinding as the sun, a pink that suggests an internal organ, an aquamarine seemingly made of fish-tank rocks and a purple that -- well, actually, the purple is pretty much just purple. I'll bet the other puffs pick on it.

Trail Mix Crunch Cranberry Vanilla cereal
Post
Rating: Two spoons out of four

Cereal description: An amalgamation of different grains -- wheat, oats, barley, rice -- blended with dried cranberries, almonds and plenty more. This potpourri produces a munch that's marked more by dissimilarity than consistency -- a crazy compendium of assorted shapes and textures that seems to have been tossed together at random from ingredients left over from other cereals. Think of it as breakfast recycling.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch
General Mills
Rating: Two-and-a-half spoons out of four

Cereal description: Thin wheat-and-rice squares that tend to curl up at the edges, like old newspapers left on the porch too long. One side of the typical bit is ridged, while the other sports the occasional dark brown streak over a tan backdrop sprinkled with cinnamon-y sprinkles that stick to anything and everything -- although they wash off your hands easier than swine-flu germs.

Frosted Mini-Wheats Little Bites Chocolate
Kellogg's
Rating: A half-spoon out of four

Cereal description: Whole grain wheat welded into a wiry-looking brown square diode, with one side flocked with white sugary spew and the other more or less naked to the world.They're hard and heavy, although not hard and heavy enough to break a sliding glass door when thrown against one. I know because I tried it. Doing so was a helluva lot more fun than eating the stuff.

Banana Nut Cheerios
General Mills
Rating: Two spoons out of four

Cereal description: Those readers who hail from the planet Earth will recognize the standard Cheerios design: a circle with a hole in the middle, like a letter "O" designed to fill the diner with cheer. (Still can't figure out where they got the name.) The appearance of these corn-and-oat bits differs very little from the look of the originals, other than sporting a slightly darker (but still light) brown hue. Maybe they spent a few extra minutes in the tanning booth.

Froot Loops with Fruity Golden Bars
Kellogg's
Rating: Three-and-a-half spoons out of four

Cereal description: Wheat, oat and corn flour ovoids colored in assorted bold hues (neon blue, alien green, strep-throat red, Prince's underwear purple) and speckled with a whitish glaze that looks delectable, and is. Also tossed in for good measure: narrow, three-hole rectangles that are supposed to be gold, although they look mighty orange to me, probably from all that Vitamin C they contain. Just kidding.

Corn Pops
Kellogg's
Rating: Three spoons out of four

Cereal description: Oversized, yellowish carb wads of varying sizes and shapes. Unlike popcorn, which suggests kernels turned inside out, these pieces seem to have been overinflated and thickened. If they were a little spongier, they could double as packing material.

LiveActive Nut Harvest Crunch
Post
Rating: Two-and-a-half spoons out of four

Cereal descripton: Considering that I tend to prefer cereals with cartoon mascots, it's no surprise that the look of this stuff struck me as pretty scary. After all, the rough-hewn, light brown flakes are jumbled together with a random mash of nut shards, some of which wind up in coagulated lumps. But even more frightening is the ingredient list. The first two items -- whole grain wheat and (yes!) sugar, didn't bother me a bit. But number three is "inulin (a prebiotic fiber)," whose name suggests something that should be injected with the use of a hypodermic needle, not eaten off a spoon. I'm afraid. Very afraid.

Cap'n Crunch's Peanut Butter Crunch
Quaker Oats
Rating: Three-and-a-half spoons out of four

Cereal description: An amalgam of corn, oat and rice flour baked into roughly shaped orbs whose surface is a symphony in brown: specs and swirls of varying intensity, pocked with the occasional dark blobs. The look doesn't recall peanut butter all that strongly, but remember: It's okay to use your imagination.

Cookie Crisp
General Mills
Rating: Three-and-a-half spoons out of four

Cereal description: Whole grain corn, corn meal, corn starch and corn syrup -- in other words, a helluva lotta corn -- mashed together and pressed into light brown, slightly puffy discs with what looks like a light sprinkling of powdered sugar. (Excuse me for a moment while I wipe the slobber off my keyboard.) The bits are pocked with darker brown speckles meant to resemble chips, although some of them more resemble Rorschach blobs. For instance, one piece I saw featured an hourglass shape. Clearly, when it comes to diving into this stuff, there's no time to waste.