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Not too long ago, a dear friend of mine (Let’s call her something fabulous like… “Bianca”) called me up in hysterics. It seemed that her boyfriend of over a year (Let’s call him “Big Fat Jack Ass) had fallen out of love with her and decided it best to break the news to her voicemail.

Margaritas were definitely in order.

I immediately went to Mezcal, ordered a drink and mentally rehearsed all the things I wanted to say about “Big Fat Jack Ass.” Fifteen minutes later, a woman who slightly resembled “Bianca” flopped down in the seat across from me. I was aghast.

“Oh. My. Gawd.”

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When I moved to Colorado, I took a job as a server at Gunther Toody’s. I lasted one week.

Why such a short-lived serving career, you ask? The answer to that question is two-fold.

Reason one: Three days into my training, I was tested on the menu. One of the questions was Explain the difference between Marilyn Fries and Elvis fries. I wrote, “Elvis fries can only be filmed from the waist up.”

I thought that was hilarious.

My trainer disagreed.

And reason two: Black jeans.

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A modest television commercial proposal for Camobooty, the Denver-based fashion craze that’s currently sweeping the nation:

FADE IN:

Two burly hunters, STEW and LEW, are lying on the forest floor, their rifles at the ready.

LEW: Darn it, Stew, there’s somethin’ different ’bout you today. Like you got yourself a little more class. Heck, like you downright got yourself a little more sass!

STEW: Well, Lew, didn’t you notice my camo?

Lew takes a good look at Stew’s camouflaged shirt and does a double-take.

LEW: Jumpin Jehosaphat! Them’s ladies on yer shirt! Naked ladies!

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I am a sports fan. I am not one of those girls who throws on a baseball hat who can't name any of the players on her "favorite" team. I understand the sports “fashion” draw. When attending a Broncos game, I have painted my face, stomach and even worn a jersey, but you everyday-of-the-week, jersey-wearing freaks have gone too far. Enough is enough. With the recent ass kickings that the Colorado Rockies have handed out, the influx of sports jerseys have taken over our city. I can’t take this shit anymore. Take the jerseys off! If you are not watching the game, or in the game, or at the game, you shouldn’t be anywhere near a sports jersey!

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US Weekly recently came out with the “25 Most Stylish New Yorker’s” list. Among the lucky few were Tim Gunn, Stephen Colbert, Stacy London, Natalie Morales, etc., but as I was scrolling through the few and the proud I came across someone so astounding, a little of my breakfast actually came up. Kimora Lee Simmons was among the best dressed. Are you f*cking kidding me!?! Famed wife to Russell Simmons and creator of the Baby Phat, yeah Baby Phat! Kimora should remain in her "ginormous" closet and stay there.

Not only is her line of clothing absurd and cheap looking, but her clothing is so tight and slutty, I considered purchasing some as part of a Britney Spears Halloween costume. She prances to events in crazy short, tight spandex and apparently, due to her husband’s fame, she is an elite fashion designer.

Here are some pics…you judge for yourself. These are some of her better fashion choices:

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