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Tom Tancredo will never be president.

Shocking, I know, given his spot in the back of the pack of Republican candidates.But in Denver, where the sixth congressional district representative can grab a headline faster than he'd nuke Mecca, we have an outsized view of the impact that Tancredo has had outside of Colorado. He may be a household name (and epithet, depending on the household) in Denver, but in other parts of the country, he's not even in the neighborhood of most households.

Last night, I offered a Colorado trivia quiz to the Young Presidents Organization of Florida, a group of captains of industry and entrepreneurs on a retreat in Aspen. These are the sort of go-getters who you'd think would have gotten good and cranky last fall, when Tancredo compared Miami to "a third-world country."

But when I asked for the name of the Colorado Congressman who'd so insulted the largest city in their home state, not a one could come up with Tancredo. Not even when I added the clue that he was running for president. And might have said a thing or two about illegal immigrants. Not even when I spotted them Tom Tan....

No, Tom Tancredo will never be president. Unless, maybe, he threatens to bomb the Caribou Club. -- Patricia Calhoun

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Democrats Abroad

Total Number of Delegates: 11
Pledged: 7
Unpledged: 4

How to Recognize a Democrats Abroad Delegate: Dems Abroad are the luckiest of all the delegates. They draw their ranks from Peace Corps volunteers, embassy personnel, artists and glamorous Hollywood movie stars. They are the American intelligentsia who are trying to escape the pervasive stupidity of American culture by living their American dream in a foreign country. Most Dem-Abroaders are wealthy and have well-established social connections to high-ranking politicians and the international jet set. From their diverse vantage points, they monitor how American culture is ruining life across the planet and report back to the global cabal of the liberal media. That is, of course, when they’re not eating three-hour lunches, photographing endangered wildlife, scolding the locals for moving too slowly and writing travel columns under assumed names for French Vogue. They are extremely easy to identify. Dems Abroad wear university-professor-inspired, natural-fiber preppy basics of wool, tweed and (organic-cotton) khaki, and accessorize with the handmade balaclavas, dashikis, caftans and khongors that they have acquired across the globe. Female Dems Abroad are especially fond of chunky jewelry, especially if it was made from some kind of unrecyclable garbage by village women and/or children.

Famous Democrats Abroad:
Gertrude Stein, fashionista Marc Jacobs, Madonna, David Sedaris, Gwyneth Paltrow, Sean Penn and John Malkovich

Famous Democrats Abroad With Denver (or Aspen) Connections:
Denver's #1 Democrat, Diana DeGette, was born in Tachikawa, Japan. Michael Douglas and Johnny Depp both have vacation homes in Aspen.

Democrats Abroad Nickname:
Ex-patriates (official); Americow, Big Mac, Big Devil, Burger Muncher, Cowboy, Gaijin, Gabacho, Goober, Gringo, Gweilo, Gubba, Hamshank, The Man, ´Murrican, Pig, Pilgrim, Roundeyes, Yank (unofficial)
Population: 3,768,359
Racial Distribution: 93% white, 3% black, 3% Asian, 0% Native
American, 1% Hispanic
Per Capita Personal Income: $226,440
Unemployment: 0%

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Anti-abortion protesters rallied outside the Pepsi Center yesterday, giving Denver just a taste of what's going to hit this town next August, when the Democratic National Convention convenes here.

The city got another preview earlier this month, when CEDIA (Custom Electronic Design & Installation Association) filled the Colorado Convention Center with over 30,000 consumer-electronic junkies.

"Is this the biggest convention to come to town?" one tourist asked a Denver Police Department officer overseeing the scene.

"Just wait until next year, and the Democratic National Convention," the cop replied.

And then, in an aside to another cop, he added this: "That's going to be a real pain in the ass."
--Patricia Calhoun

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Delaware

Total Number of Delegates: 23
Pledged: 15
Unpledged: 8

How to Recognize a Delaware Delegate:
The Quakers who ruled Pennsylvania originally wanted to annex Delaware to expand Philadelphia's southern suburbs, but the Catholics in Maryland refused to let them. While these two states bickered, the Methodists rushed in and created their own earthly paradise. Their history is flush with many national "firsts." First state to sign the Constitution, first John Deere tractor, first Christmas Seals and, in 1880, first Miss United States beauty pageant, with Thomas Edison as a judge! And while never famous for their cooking, their potluck leftovers were the inspiration for a local scientist working at the DuPont Chemical Company to perfect the first cellophane food-storage bag. Today's Delawareans certainly have come a long way, but they still dress like Methodists! In this spirit of practicality, look for Delaware delegates to be dressed in outfits purchased from brand-name retailers in factory-outlet malls. Females prefer non-binding slacks and dressy sweatshirts trimmed in reasonable decorative cheeriness, while males prefer shirts and slacks that can be purchased in multiples for under twenty dollars. Don't look for delegates wearing last year's fashions in last year's colors; instead, look for them to be wearing clothes that were never considered fashionable in the first place, in colors ranging from dark blue to charcoal.

Famous Delawareans:
Juvie-lit master Howard Pyle; maneuver-inventor Henry Heimlich; Pierre S. du Pont I, II, III & IV; bad-ass actor Ryan Phillippe; bad actor Judge Reinhold; bad actress Valerie Bertinelli; actors Elisabeth and Andrew Shue; bluesman George Thorogood; and baseballer John Mabry.

Famous Delaware Democrats:
2008 presidential candidate Joe Biden; Delaware Attorney General and JAG captain Beau Biden.

Famous Delawareans With Denver Connections:
Pioneer Denver & Rio Grande Railroad builder William Jackson Palmer; the Molson Coors Brewing Company is a registered Delaware Corporation.

State Nickname: The First State (official), Small Wonder (unofficial)
Population: 853,476
Racial Distribution: 69% white, 21% black, 3% Asian, 1% Native
American, 6% Hispanic
Per Capita Personal Income: $33,125
Unemployment: 4%

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Connecticut

Total Number of Delegates: 61
Pledged: 48
Unpledged: 13

How to Recognize a Connecticut Delegate:
Prepare to be astonished. Despite the gender-specific clothing worn by delegates from Connecticut, their facial and physical features are absolutely gender-neutral. Connecticut men look just like Connecticut women, and vice versa! And to top it off, there isn't a single "Nutmegger" who would take this observation as an insult. Because Connecticuters are, without a doubt, the most spiritually, intellectually and materially advanced citizens in the United States of America. That's because Nutmeggers are empowered. They embrace all that would be considered an insult to their fellow-countrymen and wear it like a feather in their cap. British military officers during the Revolutionary War wrote and sang the song "Yankee Doodle" to mock the androgynous "haughty couture" fashion sense of colonial Connecticuters. But who's laughing now? Look for delegates with macaroni in their caps, who keep it up, and who ´round the town are sweet as candy.

Famous Nutmeggers:
Ann Coulter, Benedict Arnold, President George W. Bush, Katharine Hepburn, Ernest Borgnine, Glenn Close, John Mayer, Liz Phair, Michael Bolton, Seth MacFarlane, David LaChapelle, Eriq La Salle, Dick Ebersol

Famous Connecticut Democrats:
2008 presidential candidiate Christopher Dodd; perpetual presidential candidate Joseph Leiberman; first U.S. female elected governor Ella T. Grasso; first African-American female elected mayor Carrie Saxon-Perry; fresh-faced rising superstar representative Chris Murphy and Speaker of the House James A. (Arrogant) Amann

Famous Nutmeggers With Denver Connections:
Former Denver Broncos linebacker Bill Romanowski; former Colorado Avalanche Chris Drury; Nuggets center Marcus Camby; cable magnate John Malone; Opera Colorado arm-twister Peter Russell; Denver Mountain Parks designer Frederick Law Olmsted

State Nickname: The Constitution State (officially), The Nutmeg State
(unofficially)
Population: 3,504,809
Racial Distribution: 75% white, 10% black, 3% Asian, 1% Native
American, 11% Hispanic
Per Capita Personal Income: $47, 819
Unemployment: 6%

Recommendations for Connecticut Delegation:

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Colorado
Total Number of Delegates: 71
Pledged: 55
Unpledged: 16

How to Recognize a Colorado Delegate: Colorado delegates are hard to see, especially if they’re standing behind a streetlight or a trash can, because Colorado residents tend to be thinner than the average American. Most will boast that their trim figure is the result of their active Colorado lifestyle of biking, hiking and winter sports, but that's not true. Coloradans are thinner simply because the high-altitude air that they breathe has 30 percent fewer calories than air at sea level. Perhaps the easier way to find a Colorado delegate is not by sight, but by how they sound. Listen for the purr of their incessant boasting. Coloradans are the biggest braggarts in the whole U.S.A., and they love to regale visitors with the latest results from national magazine polls that tout everything from the state's robust singles scene to its dog-friendly picnic getaways. Colorado boosterism is not loud and showy, but it is relentless. Colorado delegates don't mean to offend the residents of other states, mind you; the boasting is more of a repetitive personal mantra to remind themselves of the small perks of Colorado living that compensate for the loss of the larger pay scales and career opportunities available to Americans who live on the coasts.

Famous Coloradans:
Trey Parker, M. Scott Carpenter, Lon Chaney Sr., Eugene Fodor, Ken Kesey, Dalton Trumbo, Jello Biafra, Amy Van Dyken, Jack Dempsey

Famous Colorado Democrats:
Byron R. White, Wayne N. Aspinall, Pat Schroeder, Diana DeGette, Federico Peña, Roy Romer, Dick Lamm (off and on)

Famous Americans who were born actually born in Denver:
Isaac Slade (The Fray), Jill Sobule, Chauncey Billups, Karl Rove, Ruth Handler (inventor of the Barbie doll), India.Arie, Duane "Dog" Chapman, Tim Allen, Ace Young

State Nickname: The Centennial State
Population: 4,753,377
Racial Distribution: 72% white, 4% black, 3% Asian, 1% Native
American, 20% Hispanic
Per Capita Personal Income: $34,238
Unemployment: 6%

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