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In their Crocktober explanation of the World Series ticket nightmare, the new Colorado Rockies – or at least their managers – sounded a lot like the old Colorado Rockies, bumbling through the suggestion that the mess was created by “an external and malicious attack.”

We haven’t heard such a crock since Hillary Rodham Clinton blamed a “vast, right-wing conspiracy” for the rumors that her husband, President Bill Clinton, might be fooling around a little. But Candidate Hillary sounded a little more grounded in the blast voice-mails she left around town this past weekend, urging people to join her at a rally at the Auraria campus this afternoon, featuring Big Head Todd and the MONSTERS, a band that we’re pretty sure she hadn’t listened to before, judging by the way she said the name…--Patricia Calhoun

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Guam

Total Number of Delegates: 9
Pledged: 4
Unpledged: 5

How to Recognize a Guam Delegate: Guamanians are gorgeous. Their exotic mix of Malay, Chamorro, Filipino, Spanish, Asian, and American ancestry has produced people who are extremely easy on the eyes. Although the Pacific island is a part of Micronesia, don't expect to see delegates running around Denver in grass skirts and coconut-shell bras. Guam is the westernmost outpost of the United States of Discount and Fashion Mall Shopping, and every store is duty-free! Guamanians are as trend-savvy and fashionable as any mainland MySpace suburbanite, and they dress the part. Otherwise, telltale signs of the Guam delegate will include the need for a down coat whenever the temperature dips below 86 degrees Fahrenheit and the wearing of zoris. Zoris — or flip-flops, as they are called on the mainland — are worn all day long, with any outfit, by either sex. They are only removed during daylight hours one at a time, to emphasize a point during a zori attack — or political debate, as it is called on the mainland.

Famous Guamanians:
Air America co-founder Evan Montvel Cohen; Discovery Health Channel anti-guru Dan Ho; NBC early-morning news reader Ann Curry; Toronto Blue Jays infielder John Hattig; and star of Nickelodeon's Blue's Clues (and cousin to General George Patton) Donovan Patton

Famous Guam Democrats:
America's highest-ranking (out) gay judge, Guam Supreme Court Justice Benjamin Cruz; former governor of Guam (1995-2003) Carl T.C. Gutierrez; and U.S. Congresswoman Madeleine Bordallo

Famous Guamanians With Denver Connections:
A taxidermied version of the extinct-in-the-wild Guam Koko bird that is on display at the Denver Museum of Nature & Science; MySpace musician Santiago the Artist; and comedian Robby Wagner

Territory Nickname: Where America's Day Begins, Hub of the Pacific (official); World's Biggest K-mart (Unofficial)
Population: 171,019 Racial Distribution: 7% white, 3% black, 27% Filipino, 7% Asian, 41% Native Chamorro, 6% Hispanic, 9% mixed
Per Capita Personal Income: $12,768
Unemployment: 9%

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Georgia

Total Number of Delegates: 104
Pledged: 87
Unpledged: 17

How to Recognize a Georgia Delegate:
Everyone hates Georgia, and they always have. That's why Gone With the Wind has been America's all-time favorite movie. It tells the story of General Sherman’s attempt to burn the state to the ground, a fantasy that is still shared by anyone who has had the pleasure of meeting a Georgia resident. Georgians have all the personality of a high-school security guard. All strangers are suspects, and all rules are made to be enforced — or, better yet, created on the spot. Questioning a Georgian's authority will only be met with hoots of derision. To find a Georgian at the 2008 Denver Democratic National Convention, just look for the delegates who are demanding arcane new procedures and laughing at those who ask why.

Famous Georgians:
Comedians David Cross and Jeff Foxworthy; musicians Ma Rainey, Bessie Smith, Ray Charles, Little Richard, Gladys Knight, Otis Redding, Brenda Lee, Amy Grant, Gnarls Barkley and Michael Stipe; B-52's Cindy Wilson, Ricky Wilson and Keith Strickland; Black Crowes Chris and Rich Robinson; Indigo Girl Amy Ray; OutKasts Andre 3000 and Big Boi; actors Chris Tucker, Holly Hunter, Kim Basinger and Dakota Fanning; director Spike Lee, CNN blowhard Nancy Grace, Nobel Prize winner Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr; writer Alice Walker; cartoonist Walt Kelly; Hulk Hogan; Evander Holyfield; Ty Cobb; Jackie Robinson; Sugar Ray Robinson; Girl Scouts founder Juliette Gordon Low

Famous Georgia Democrats:
39th president Jimmy Carter, Rosalynn Carter, Sam Nunn, Zell Miller, Julian Bond, Andrew Young, Cynthia McKinney and Hank Johnson (who is, along with Representative Mazie Hirono of Hawaii, one of the first two Buddhists to serve in the U.S. Congress)

Famous Georgians With Denver and Colorado Connections:
Colorado Explorer John C. Fremont, Gold Rushers Soapy Smith, William Green Russell, John H. Gregory and Lewis Ralston, former Broncos coach Dan Reeves, Denver Bronco Champ Bailey, Bighorn think tank-er Rutt Bridges, odd couple JonBenét Ramsey and John Mark Karr

State Nickname: The Empire State of the South, the Peach State (official); the Goober State, the Cracker State (unofficial)
Population: 9,363,941
Racial Distribution: 60% white, 30% black, 2.7% Asian, 0.3% Native
American, 7% Hispanic
Per Capita Personal Income: $29,442
Unemployment: 5%

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Florida

Total Number of Delegates: 210*
Pledged: 185*
Unpledged: 25
*The Democratic National Committee has threatened to reduce these numbers by half if the Florida Democratic Party does not move its caucus date from January 29, 2008, to February 5, 2008, or later.

How to Recognize a Florida Delegate:
There are not many Florida natives. Practically all of the state's residents come from somewhere else, mostly from Cuba, Ohio, New York and New Jersey. Oddly enough, everyone quickly becomes the quintessential Floridian. Florida delegates are easy to detect (except for the delegates from Jacksonville, who will inevitably be mistaken for Georgia delegates): Just look for big smiles splashed across cheeks of tan. Generally, Florida delegates look like California delegates with beer bellies, since Floridians spend the bulk of their days riding around on Harleys, in convertibles or on power boats instead of running, playing beach volleyball or Rollerblading. Floridians are unfamiliar with public transportation of any kind, so any delegates seen laughing while riding Denver's light rail or mall shuttle are probably delegates who think they’re on an amusement park ride.

Famous Floridians:
Doors frontman Jim Morrison; Lynyrd Skynyrd frontman Ronnie Van Zandt; Sunshine Band keyboardist K.C. Casey; Tom Petty; Pere Ubu singer David Lynn Thomas; Sonic Youth guitarist Thurston Moore; Backstreet Boys A.J. McLean and Howie Dorough; Limp Bizkit boys Fred Durst and Sam Rivers; Mafia boss Santo Trafficante Jr.; and SNL cast member Darrell Hammond

Famous Florida Democrats:
Janet Reno

Famous Floridians With Denver Connections:
Broncos kicker Jason Elam; Broncos safety Nick Ferguson; choreographer Jennifer Fagan Archer; Spanx fanny-hose inventor Sara Blakely; investigative reporter Jonathan Weil; photo surveyor Shawn Steigner

State Nickname: The Sunshine State (official), the Blue Tarp State
(unofficial)
Population: 18,089,888
Racial Distribution: 62% white, 16% black, 2% Asian, .5% Native
American, 19.5% Hispanic
Per Capita Personal Income: $30,446
Unemployment: 5.1%

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District of Columbia

Total Number of Delegates: 37
Pledged: 15
Unpledged: 22

How to Recognize a District of Columbia Delegate: Harry Truman said that if you want a friend in Washington, D.C., get a dog. John F. Kennedy said that D.C. is a town of southern efficiency and northern charm. Bill Clinton said that Washington, D.C., is Hollywood for ugly people. Every other American says that people who live inside the Beltway are out of touch with the rest of the country. Of course, each of these observations is true, and all of them provide the important clues needed to identify the D.C. delegate. The District of Columbia is a misanthropic metropolis that is both cosmopolitan and conservative. Delegates will avoid eye contact when out on the street, but they are judiciously cordial in areas that require them to wear name tags. DCers aren't interested in current fashion trends, preferring poly-blend styles in any color of gray, with little-to-no pattern or printed design save for the embroidered initials of federal or district agencies.

Famous DCers: Comedic correspondent Mo Rocca, comedic chestnut Roy "Hee Haw" Clark, Maury Povich, William Hurt, Samuel L. Jackson, John Philip Sousa, Duke Ellington, Marvin Gaye, Henry Rollins, Fugazi frontman Ian MacKaye, DJ Spooky, and DJ Cool

Famous District of Columbia Democrats: Internet inventor and global-warming scold Al Gore, TV talking head and current "shadow" representative Eleanor Holmes Norton, John F. Kennedy Jr. and current mayor Adrian Fenty

Famous DCers With Denver Connections: ’68-’69 Denver Broncos running back "Galaxy" Garrett Ford, and Blair-Caldwell African American Research Library manager Gwendolyn Crenshaw

District Nicknames: Washington, D.C. (official), Federal City, Capitol City, Inside the Beltway, Dream City, Drama City, District of Corruption and District of Clowns (unofficial)
Population: 581,530
Racial Distribution: 31% white, 57% black, 3% Asian, 0% Native
American, 9% Hispanic
Per Capita Personal Income:$47,659
Unemployment: 7%

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Although Florida's movers-and-shakers may not pay much attention to Tom Tancredo, he definitely has his supporters. Laura Leighton of Tucson, for example, who over the weekend sent Westword a spirited, if out-of-right-field, defense of the Colorado congressman, repeated verbatim below:

You've got your traitors wrong! Traitors are the people who work against the people of the country, who get us into unnecessary wars, help destroy the nation by making us incredible amounts of debt, allow people from other countries who wish to destroy this nation and drain her and then refer to that nation as his "best friend"! Friends are people who tell us the danger and try to do something about in in the fact of hardship and all aridity. Tom Tancredo is a patriot. Get your terms corrected!

For a more comprehensive look at Tancredo, click here to read Michael Roberts's profile of our most controversial Congressman -- at least within statelines. -- Patricia Calhoun