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Delegating Denver #56 of #56: Wyoming

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Wyoming

Total Number of Delegates: 18
Pledged: 12
Unpledged: 6

How to Recognize a Wyoming Delegate:
The majority of Wyomingites are uneducated, foul-mouthed cretins who look like toothless meth addicts out on parole. But those are just the Republicans who hate to pay taxes and abide by federal regulations. Wyoming women were the first in the nation to gain equal rights, not out of principle, but simply because someone had to work and they proved willing to fill positions in every field -- from game wardens to Governor. Plus, working women gave Wyoming men the time they needed to drive around in their filthy pickup trucks, drink in trashy saloons and then go back to their squalid trailers and have the kind of drunken brokeback-buddy sex that overturns nightstands, breaks hearts and captures Hollywood's imagination. The handful of Democrats who live in the Equality State are completely different. Most of them are lawyers from Cheyenne or professors from Laramie. And those two border towns aren't even considered a part of the "real Wyoming" by state Republicans. Consequently, Cowboy State delegates in Denver will actually look like Twilight Zone clones of residents of the northern Colorado cities of Greeley and Loveland. All will dress in the latest reduced-price fashions from the Bargain Barn department of the Sierra Trading Post Outlet in Cheyenne. Females will wear the April Cornell® for Orvis collection of side-yoked skirts and smocked dresses, paired with Korkers® Wetland Wading Boots and an ample coating of SPF 85 mosquito repellent with Deet. Male delegates will wear Riviera® Wrinkle-Resistant Dress Pants and Nat Nast® Panhandle Slim Camp Shirts with H.S.Trask® bison-leather oxfords and two pair of socks.


Famous Wyomingites:
United States Second Lady Lynne Cheney; White House press secretary Dana Perino; abstract-expressionist Jackson Pollock; sportscaster Curt Gowdy; NBC News correspondent Pete Williams; Twilight Zone TV screenwriter George Clayton Johnson; post-apocalyptic sci-fi writer Theodore Judson; Grateful Dead lyricist and former Dick Cheney campaign manager John Perry Barlow; America's most successful trial attorney Gerry Spence; gay actor Jim J. Bullock; Deadwood actor Jim Beaver; Matthew Shepard, the gay Laramie student whose murder prompted both the U.S. House and Senate to pass hate-crimes bills that President Bush says he'll veto if they reach his desk.

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Delegating Denver #55 of #56: Wisconsin

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Wisconsin

Total Number of Delegates: 92
Pledged: 74
Unpledged: 18

How to Recognize a Wisconsin Delegate:
Across the nation, the symptoms of severe depression often include the binge-drinking of cheap beer, the over-eating of fried foods and the complete lack of interest in meeting people and learning about the rest of the world. But "up nort," these are just considered the most popular ways to show "Wisconsin Pride." Surviving the bitterly cold winters and sweltering mosquito-soaked summers has produced a breed of Americans who are above the laws of nature and man -- and brag about it incessantly until the supper club closes, the keg runs dry or they pass out, whichever comes first. Wisconsinites aren't called Badgers because they resemble the solitary nocturnal creatures that live in holes. The most famous Badger in state history was Senator Joseph McCarthy. Even when his name was used as a synonym for demagoguery and defamation, he boasted that the term "McCarthyism" simply meant "Americanism with its sleeves rolled up." And now, some fifty years later, Wisconsinites still dress to avenge. By wearing those cheesehead hats, the residents of America's Dairyland have turned what was once an insult from the snotty fans of Chicago sports teams into a relentless Green Bay gloat. In Denver, Cheeseheads will be easy to identify. They'll be the delegates standing around with a can of beer in one hand while they use the other hand to demonstrate how a shithead from Illinois tows a boat. Females will be the hot chicks with beer bellies dressed in daytime casuals from Shopko and by night will wear Croft & Barrow sateen tops with floral burnout skirts from Kohl's. Males will wear the gold and green Joe PackerFan bodylifter pants with a variety of favorite sweatshirts, the newness of which corresponds directly to the formality of the occasion.


Famous Wisconsinites:
Native American advocate Ada Deer; waterskiing showman Tommy Bartlett; outboard motor inventor Ole Evinrude; safety razor inventor King Camp Gillette; supercomputer architect Seymour Cray; Prairie School architect Frank Lloyd Wright; artist Georgia O'Keeffe; photographer Edward S. Curtis; writers Laura Ingalls Wilder and Thornton Wilder; cartoonists Lynda Barry and Denis Kitchen; goofy movie producers Jerry Zucker, Jim Abrahams and David Zucker; greatest male star of all time Orson Welles; actors Spencer Tracy, Gene Wilder, Willem Dafoe, Charlotte Rae, Tom Hulce, Tyne Daly, Chris Farley, Mark Ruffalo, Tony Shalhoub and (Malcolm in the Middle's mom) Jane Kaczmarek; adult actress Kayla Kleevage; musicians Les Paul, Liberace, Steve Miller, Jerry Harrison and Al Jarreau; bands: Violent Femmes, Underground Sunshine, Die Kreuzen, Killdozer, Garbage and The Frogs; world curling champion Nicole Joraanstad

Famous Wisconsin Democrats:
18th Secretary of Defense Les Aspin; former United States Senators William Proxmire and Gaylord Nelson; current United States Senators Herb Kohl and Russ Feingold; United States Representatives Tammy Baldwin and David Obey; Milwaukee mayor Tom Barrett; Eleanor Roosevelt's special friend Lorena Alice Hickok

Famous Wisconsinites with Denver Connections:
Elizabeth Bonduel McCourt a.k.a. Baby Doe Tabor; fifth,tenth and fourteenth Colorado governor Alva Adams; 38th governor Richard Lamm; Chedd's Gourmet Grilled Cheese Sandwich founder Dirk Bruley; Metro Denver Chamber of Commerce business recruiter Laura Brandt; artist Mai Wyn Schantz; toy designer Gwen Austin Yuffa; rock ’n’ roll poster designer Jay Vollmar; 2008 DNC deputy CEO for public affairs Jenni Engebretsen

State Nickname: America's Dairyland, The Badger State, the Cheese State (official); Up Nort, Wizzconsin, the Buick State, Minnesota Junior (unofficial)
Population: 5,556,506
Racial Distribution: 86% white, 6% black, 1% Native American, 2% Asian, 5% Hispanic
Per Capita Personal Income: $30,898
Unemployment: 6.3%


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Delegating Denver #54 of #56: West Virginia

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West Virginia

Total Number of Delegates: 39
Pledged: 28
Unpledged: 11

How to Recognize a West Virginia Delegate:
If a Sasquatch sighting is ever confirmed, it will no doubt happen in West Virginia. There already are rumors circulating that the state's governor, Joe Manchin III, is actually a shaved version of a yeti creature whose policies benefit only him and his Sasquatch cronies. As proof, detractors point to the severe lack of government economic incentives that perpetually forces college graduates to leave the state to find work, resulting in a 10 percent population loss since 1950. As a result, the only jobs available are in coal mines, where humans cannot see or disturb the Sasquatches!

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Delegating Denver #53 of 56: Washington

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Washington

Total Number of Delegates: 97
Pledged: 78
Unpledged:19

How to Recognize a Washington Delegate:
A smiling Washingtonian is more an indication of a nearby photographer than an invitation to friendship. Washingtonians will be extremely polite and helpful, but don't expect to exchange personal information. As the saying goes, they are as "warm as a Washington winter." Their aloofness has been identified as a pathological disorder called the Washington State Superiority Complex. Studies show that residents of the Evergreen State have very high opinions of themselves, and that they maintain their hipper-than-the-rest-of-America attitude by engaging in a statewide pecking order of "coolness." Seattle Democrats with standard-issue haircuts, black-rimmed glasses, thrift-store clothes and MySpace pages are the "Starbuck Socialists" at the top of the heap. Just below them are the homegrown alterna-conformist hipsters from the ’70s who now live in Kirkland and on Bainbridge Island. The pretentious wannabes who live in Port Angeles, Bellingham and Vancouver are still considered cool enough to feel superior to residents of Spokane, Renton and Yakima — and on down the list to Walla Walla and, lastly, Tacoma. Psychologists believe that the superiority complex is also a way for Washingtonians to hide or project their feelings of inferiority onto one another (and eventually onto the rest of the United States), possibly for the same reasons that they themselves feel inferior —i.e., six-month-long rainy, gray winters, being stuck between Oregon and Canada, and an inability to keep a professional sports team happy. This means that while in Denver, Washingtonians will be the delegates with unreasonably high expectations for the Obama presidency, combined with unbelievably low opinions of America's ability to meet them. Because of this, they will most likely be the delegates to get totally wasted on the final night of the convention and trash their hotel rooms.

Famous Washingtonians:
Suquamish leaders Chief Seattle and Chief Kitsap; first black settler and state founder George Washington Bush; Microsoft founders Bill Gates and Paul Allen; upscale shoe salesmen Everett and Elmer Nordstrom; artists Robert Motherwell, Dale Chihuly, Chuck Close and Edward Kienholz: cartoonists Hank Ketcham, Gary Larson and Megan Kelso; literary firebrand Mary McCarthy; World Trade Center architect Minoru Yamasaki; internment camp autobiographer Monica Sone; edgy authors Chuck Palahniuk, Matthew Stadler and Dan Savage; TV personalities Bob Barker, Dyan Cannon, Russell Johnson, Adam West, Craig T. Nelson, Rainn Wilson and Jean Smart; TV travel geek Rick Steves; danseurs Merce Cunningham and Robert Joffrey; musicians Bing Crosby, Jimi Hendrix, Oleta Adams, Kurt Cobain, Sir Mix-a-lot and Rachel Trachtenburg; bands Soundgarden, Screaming Trees, Pigeonhed, Harvey Danger and Death Cab for Cutie; speed skater Apolo Anton Ohno; skier Steve Mahre.

Famous Washington Democrats:
57th Speaker of the United States House of Representatives Tom Foley; 21st governor Gary Locke, 22nd governor Christine Gregoire; former United States senator Henry M. Jackson; current United States senators Patty Murray and Maria Cantwell; United States representative Jim McDermott; state senators Eric Oemig and Rosa Franklin; state representative Steve Hobbs.

Famous Washingtonians With Denver Connections:
Newsman Bill Hosokawa; songbird Judy Collins; former Denver Broncos John Elway and Karl Mecklenburg; Colorado Rapids mid-fielder Ciaran O'Brien; U.S. House District 6 (sacrificial) Democratic candidate Josh Hanfling.

State Nickname: The Evergreen State, the Chinook State, Ecotopia (official); The Evergray State, the Mildewed Hellhole, Drunktopia (unofficial)

Population: 6,395,798
Racial Distribution: 78% white, 4% black, 2% Native American, 7% Asian, 9% Hispanic
Per Capita Personal Income: $33,332
Unemployment: 8%


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Delegating Denver #52 of 56: Virginia

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Virginia

Total Number of Delegates: 101
Pledged: 83
Unpledged: 18

How to Recognize a Virginia Delegate:
The American Civil War ended in 1865, but not for Virginians. The battles that rage daily are no longer between the Union and the Confederacy, but between the "come-heres" who move to Northern Virginia and the "from-heres" who live in Southern Virginia. The feud between the NoVAs and the SoVAs, as they are most frequently called, started 143 years ago, when carpetbaggers decided to relocate to Arlington, Virginia, after Reconstruction. Shocked SoVAs, weakened by a lack of air-conditioning and a bounty of mint juleps, were powerless to do anything beyond griping and social snubbing. Fredericksburg has historically been considered the dividing line between the groups, but sharp increases of SUV registrations, Starbucks locations and property values in Harrisonburg, Charlottesville and Richmond seem to indicate that the NoVAs are gaining ground. Despite their differences, the two warring factions remain distinctly Virginian. A mutual distrust of one another is what ties NoVAs and SoVAs together. In Denver, Virginians will be the smiley delegates who are the most standoffish. They will be the people who take ten minutes to perform a five-minute task, in a thinly disguised act of passive aggression that they pass off as Southern charm. Not surprisingly, Virginians display their co-existing personality contrasts in the parallel universe of fashion by wearing striped shirts in both horizontal and vertical patterns. They are casual summer dressers. Females will wear only capri pants in a full range of colors that correspond to body weight. For instance, 120 pounds is to white as 400 pounds is to navy, with tones changing at every ten-pound increment in between. Black capris are reserved for formal occasions. Males will wear khakis and frequently sport bow ties during parades and picnics. All are fond of short-cut hairstyles that don't bunch under sun hats.

Famous Virginians:
America's first celebrity, Pocahontas; America's first president, George Washington; ninth United States president William Henry Harrison; twelfth U.S. president Zachary Taylor; explorers Meriwether Lewis and William Clark; early civil-rights activists Nat Turner, Dred Scott and Booker T. Washington; writers Willa Cather and Tom Wolfe; journalist Katie Couric; actors Warren Beatty, Shirley MacLaine, Rob Lowe and Sandra Bullock; comedians Wanda Sykes and Jason Sudeikis; musicians Ella Fitzgerald, Jimmy Dean, June Carter Cash, Bruce Hornsby, Neko Case, Keller Williams, Jason Mraz, Aimee Mann, Steve Earle, Missy Elliott, Mike Watt, Pharrell Williams and Chad Hugo; bands GWAR and Dave Matthews Band; tennis champ Arthur Ashe; televangelists Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson.

Famous Virginia Democrats:
Third United States president Thomas Jefferson; 4th U.S. president James Madison; 5th U.S. president James Monroe; 10th U.S. president John Tyler; 28th U.S. president Woodrow Wilson; 69th governor and 2008 United States Senate candidate Mark Warner; junior senator Jim Webb; Falls Church City Councilman Lawrence Webb.

Famous Virginians With Denver Connections:
Colorado capital city namesake and Kansas Territory governor James W. Denver; Colorado First Lady Jeannie Ritter; CBS4Denver news readers Tom Mustin and Ericka Lewis; Denver Nuggets point guard Allen Iverson; Palmer Divide bluegrass banjo player Mickey Stinnett.

State Nickname: Old Dominion, Mother of Presidents, Mother of States (official); the Peanut Belt, Ham Country, Old Virginia, East Virginia (unofficial)

Population: 7,642,884
Racial Distribution: 67% white, 20% black, 5% Asian, 7% Hispanic
Per Capita Personal Income: $33,671
Unemployment: 5.1%


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Delegating Denver #51 of 56: Virgin Islands

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Virgin Islands

Total Number of Delegates: 9
Pledged: 3
Unpledged: 6

How to Recognize a Virgin Islands Delegate:
Blown (way) off course during his second voyage, Christopher Columbus chose a religious theme and named this grouping of islets for the virgin handmaidens of some obscure marriage-avoiding saint. He was going through his idealistic phase (pre-tyrant), and hoped that the sail-by edict would be enough to convert the natives into Catholics. Instead, the islands attracted pirates, who loved the hidden harbors as a place to dock their ships. The beautiful white-sand beaches also gave them a perfect spot to lay out their towels and gawk at one another's booties. And that's how America's cruise vacation industry began! The only trouble was that the islands belonged to Denmark. The United States wanted them badly and started making offers in 1845. Finally, in 1917, an arrogant U.S. government claimed that it had intelligence reports showing German plans to use the islands for launching U-boats of mass destruction, and forced the Danes to sell for $25 million. Today the U.S. Virgin Islands are a haven of American prosperity and proud home to both the largest oil refinery in the Caribbean and Captain Morgan's new worldwide rum distillery. It's also a popular port of call for compulsive snorkelers and cautious honeymooners. In return, Virgin Islanders are prohibited from voting for the United States president and collecting Social Security. They will be extremely easy to detect on the streets of Denver. Females will look like movie stars making guest appearances on Sesame Street circa the 1980s, with their outdated pastel-hued cruise-wear pantsuits. Their shoes will be low-heeled strappy sandals in citrus colors from the Essentric Shoe Boutique. Males will wear comfortable, color-coordinated shirt-and-slacks ensembles with matching fabric shoes in aquamarine, oyster and lavender from Asfour Department Store.

Famous Virgin Islanders:
Anti-slavery activist hero Denmark Vesey; Liberian nation-builder Edward Wilmot Blyden; Father of Impressionism Camille Pisarro, socialist labor leader Frank Rudolph Crosswaith; black nationalist turned conservative firebrand Roy Innis; beloved national librarian Enid M. Baa; sitcom psychiatrist Kelsey Grammer; video vixens Karrine Steffans and Jasmine St. Claire; "I Don't Want to Set the World on Fire" songwriter Claude A. Benjamin; basketballers Tim Duncan and Raja Bell; baseballers Joe Christopher and Midre Cummings; runners Bruce Sewer and Iroy Chittick.

Famous Virgin Island Democrats:
United States representative Donna Christian-Christensen; 27th governor Charles Wesley Turnbull; 28th and current governor John deJongh; senators Pedro "Pete" Encarnación, Louis Patrick Hill and Lorraine Berry.

Denverites With Virgin Island Connections:
2004 Virgin Islands Olympic team and current University of Denver head swim coach Brian Schrader

Territory Nickname: American Paradise. Island Nicknames: Rock City (St. Thomas), Love City (St. John) and Twin City (St. Croix) (official); Duty Free Town (St. Thomas), Straw Hat Town (St. John) and Fruity Rum Drink Town (St. Croix) (unofficial).

Population: 108,708
Racial Distribution: 9% white, 76% black, 1% Asian, 14% Hispanic
Per Capita Personal Income: $17,200
Unemployment: 11%


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Delegating Denver #50 of 56: Vermont

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Vermont

Total Number of Delegates: 23
Pledged: 15
Unpledged: 8

How to Recognize a Vermont Delegate:
Vermont has a reputation as a haven for hippies and trust-funders, but loaded wannabes are only fooling themselves if they think they
can be a Green Mountaineer simply by relocating and becoming a hobby farm-uh. True Vermonters are more rare than a warm welcome in a Northeast Kingdom ski town. But don't call these independent individuals unfriendly: They’re just too busy fighting off McMansions and Wal-Marts to befriend idiot transplants in search of a fictitious Utopia. Life in Vermont has always been about hard work (well, at least from 5 a.m. until breakfast). Vermonters are the Americans to call when cows need to be milked, equal rights defended, wars won and mountains moved. They are the selfless servants who keep their noses to the grindstone in order to accomplish the miracles that others take credit for. They'd rather make a better world than muck around in other people's bullshit, damn ya! Of course, that kind of attitude means they don't spend a lot of time glad-handing, and will stick out at the Democratic Convention like social sore thumbs. Mostly, they’ll keep to themselves until provoked, and then they’ll talk too loudly and laugh at the wrong parts of a conversation. While their arms flail, their eyes will dart wildly in search of the exits. Remember the “Dean Scream”? Aiyah, ’nuff said! Vermonters will be the delegates who are all dolled up in their dress dungarees, handmade sweaters and rubberized loafers. Males will wear plaid wool hats with the earflaps down and have a tendency to slowly drift toward the dooryard. Females will settle comfortably into any situation, then take out their knitting and get to work on the pieces they need to sell (in craft co-ops from Bennington to Burlington) to pay for the winter's heating oil.

Famous Vermonters:
21st United States president Chester A. Arthur; 30th United States president Calvin Coolidge; original apostles of the Mormon Church Joseph Smith, Brigham Young and Heber C. Kimball; Seventh-Day Adventist Church founder Rachel Oakes Preston; Panama Canal engineer Lindon Wallace Bates; Spanish-American War hero Admiral George Dewey; tractor-happy John Deere; dental laughing-gas pioneer Gardner Quincy Colton; rodeo jeans inventor Harry David Lee; Alcoholics Anonymous founders Bob Smith and Bill W.; land-mine-banning Nobel Prize winner Jody Williams; master painter William Morris Hunt; pioneer snowflake photographer Wilson Bentley; “American Elf” cartoonist James Kolchaka; indie-art sensation Miranda July; entertainer Rudy Vallee; Weather Channel beefcake Jim Cantore; singer-songwriter JoJo (full name: Joanna Noelle Blagden Levesque); skiers Andrea Mead-Lawrence, Suzy "Chapstick" Chaffee and the Cochran family; snowboarder Ross Powers.

Famous Vermont Democrats:
77th governor Madeleine M. Kunin; 79th governor and current Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean; senior United States senator Patrick Leahy; United States representative Peter Welch; state House Speaker Gaye Symington; Senate Majority Leader John F. Campbell; Assistant Majority Leader Claire Ayer.

Famous Vermonters With Denver Connections:
Colorado silver king Horace W. Tabor; gangland bunko-artist organizer Lou "The Fixer" Blonger; eighth lieutenant governor David H. Nichols; bon vivant and city builder Barbara Mcfarlane; renaissance man Gregory Ego; University of Denver skiing coach David Stewart.

State Nickname: The Green Mountain State (official); Gateway to Montreal, Little Canada, Brrrmont, Vermonster Island (unofficial)
Population: 623,908
Racial Distribution: 97% white, 1% black, 1% Asian, 1% Hispanic
Per Capita Personal Income: $30,740
Unemployment: 5.6%


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Delegating Denver #49 of 56: Utah

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Utah

Total Number of Delegates: 29
Pledged: 23
Unpledged: 6


How to Recognize a Utah Delegate:
Based on national news stories, most Americans would think it was easier to get a second wife than a second drink while visiting Utah — as if residents of the Beehive State were a bunch of polygamists who repressed recreational refreshment to maximize their reproduction abilities. That's ancient history. Utah liquor laws have been somewhat relaxed since the 2002 Salt Lake Winter Olympics, and polygamists are rarely seen outside of the Costco in St. George. Forget weird and wacky: The news about Utahns is their steadfast willingness to assist a stranger. It still may be the last place in America to get a full-strength beer after 10 p.m., but it’s the first place for courteous emergency roadside service. Getting a flat tire in Utah is like winning the karma lottery. Within minutes, thirty cars will stop to offer help. While assisting strangers with a smile, Utahns will break down tasks along gender lines, putting males in charge of car repairs while the females set up tables and whip up a quick snack from bags and boxes of recently purchased Costco groceries. Mormons on a mission, or not, Utahns win followers through friendliness and favors. Utah delegates in Denver will be the ones wielding their winning ways with the other state's delegates. They are the door-holders, the reservation-makers and the sign-painters. They will dress in crisply pressed casual dress pants topped with button-down long-sleeved shirts that are embroidered with vaguely familiar but unplaceable Utah-based corporate names like Novell, Xmission, iBAHN and Altiris. Conversely, their hair will be wash-and-wear. Females will wear easy and adorable choppy-layered cuts, while males will wear side-parted short cuts and sport full mustaches that accentuate the sparkle in their eyes.

Famous Utahns:
Hotel founder J. Willard Marriott; hearing aid inventor Harvey Fletcher; television inventor Philo Farnsworth; Gore-Tex inventor Bill Gore; leadership scold and productivity-tool publisher Stephen Covey; Atari and Chuck E. Cheese founder Nolan Bushnell; machine gun and semi-automatic handgun inventor John Browning; ninth and seventeenth National Security Advisor Brent Scowcroft; bank robber Butch Cassidy; film director Hal Ashby; actors Wilford Brimley, James Woods and Patrick Fugit; porn star Jaime Bergman and squirt star Cytherea; Playmate Charlotte Stokely; Internet "fratirist" Maddox; pop-rock acts the Used and SHeDAISY; sibling pop group the Osmonds; Dancing With the Stars siblings Derek and Juliann Hough, sibling athletes Andre and Kevin Tyson; basketballer Devin Brown; footballers Steve Young and Merlin Olsen.

Famous Utah Democrats:
Sixth governor (and grandfather of Bruce, great-grandfather of Laura) George Dern; twelfth governor (father of Scott Junior and Jim) Scott Matheson; former U.S. attorney Scott Matheson Jr.; United States Representative Jim Matheson; former Salt Lake City mayor Rocky Anderson; attorney general candidate Jean Welch-Hill; community activist Luz Robles.


Famous Utahns With Denver Connections:
Jack Kerouac On the Road inspiration Neal Cassady; sitcom actress and comedy club headliner Roseanne Barr; two-term Colorado Higher Education commissioner Marshall Crawford; Western artist Nathan Solano; polygamist Warren Jeff's brother Seth Jeffs.


State Nickname: The Beehive State, Deseret, the Salt Lake State (official); Land of the Mormons, Land of the Saints, Land of Multiple Mothers, Plural Wife Paradise (unofficial)
Population: 2,550,063
Racial Distribution: 85% white, 1% black, 1% Native American, 2% Asian, 11% Hispanic
Per Capita Personal Income: $24,977
Unemployment: 6.3%


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Texas Loves You Anyway

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Karen Brooks of the Dallas Morning News certainly isn't the first person to take umbrage with Westword cartoonist Kenny Be's point of view, especially his Delegating Denver , an online series devoted to profiling the 56 state and territory delegations.

But in this case, Brooks wasn't insulted because Kenny was mean; she was insulted because he wasn't mean enough!

In an "open letter to Westword writers" (which was nice but not necessary, since Delegating Denver is all Kenny), posted in the paper's political blog, she writes:


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Delegating Denver #48 of 56: Texas

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Texas

Total Number of Delegates: 228
Pledged: 193
Unpledged: 35

How to Recognize a Texas Delegate:
This state may be huge and populous, but the Lone Star mystique can be summed up in the image of George W. Bush and Jessica Simpson driving a Ford F-150 pickup to the corner fireworks stand, where they stop and shop with one hand while carrying a six-shooter in the other. It's the celebrity state with the larger-than-life image that makes up in hellfire what it lacks in precision. Texans are famous the world over for their enthusiastic desire to fix things that are not broken. And, as evidenced by George Bush's Iraq project, Jessica Simpson's Dallas Cowboy QB football-busting scheme and Dr. Phil's Britney Spears rehab program, Texans won't take "STOP!" for an answer. Why, it even caused Dallas oil magnate Clint Murchison Jr. to start demolishing the unique, historic pre-WWII stone-trimmed Victorian commercial blocks that transformed downtown Denver into the architecturally insignificant district it is today. While all Texas delegates share this same "fix fixation," it will be easier to spot them in Denver according to their unique regional differences. Delegates from Dallas will love to dress up and eat breakfast at Burger King while looking down their noses at fellow patrons. Friendly Houstonians will continue ongoing conversations, and often start new ones, through stall walls in public restrooms. Austin is the new Berkeley, and delegates from the state's capital will dress like librarians, often reaching for a sweater when the temps dip below 76º F, and talk exclusively about dogs and composting. All will sport hairstyles that reflect the adage that everything is bigger in Texas. East Texans will wear their big hair in lofty cotton-candy coiffures, while west Texans will let it hang, often in tails and braids, to prevent the nesting of scorpions.

Famous Texans:
Ex-President Dwight D. Eisenhower; fashionista Todd Oldham; writer Larry McMurty; journalists Stone Phillips and Dan Rather; film director Richard Linklater; TV producer Gene Roddenberry; actors Tommy Lee Jones, Renée Zellweger, Matthew McConaughey, Farrah Fawcett, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Steve Martin, Jennifer Garner, Woody Harrelson, Eva Longoria Parker, Bill Paxton, Sissy Spacek, Ethan Hawke, Jerry Hall, Larry Hagman, Ann Miller, Owen, Andrew and Luke Wilson; musicians Kris Kristofferson, Beyoncé Knowles, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Cat Power, Don Henley, Win (Arcade Fire) Butler, Johnny and Edgar Winter, Johnny Mathis, Janis Joplin, Buddy Holly, Lyle Lovett, Trini Lopez, Marcia Ball, Ornett Coleman, Erykah Badu, Oran "Hot Lips" Page; ZZ Toppers Billy Gibbons, Frank Beard and Dusty Hill; biker Lance Armstrong; fame-baiter Jessica Simpson.

Famous Texas Democrats:
36th United States president Lyndon Baines Johnson; 69th United States Secretary of the Treasury Lloyd Bentsen; 29 & 32nd governor Miriam "Ma" Ferguson; 45th governor Ann Richards; 10th United States Housing and Urban Development Secretary Henry Cisneros; United States representatives Ruben Hinojosa, Sheila Jackson-Lee and Eddie Bernice Johnson.

Famous Texans With Denver Connections:
Suburb namesake and former governor Daniel I.J. Thornton; former governor Bill Owens; former mayor Federico Peña; Broncos players Javon Walker, Jarvis Moss and Sam Adams; South Park co-creator Matt Stone; Real World: Denver resident Alex Smith; TV family counselor Bill Engvall; Libertarian Party presidential candidate Christine Smith; DIA “Mustang” sculptor Luis Jimenez.

State Nickname: The Lone Star State, the Banner State, the Jumbo State (official); The Big Hair State, The I Tell You What State, Land of Pearl and Tabasco (unofficial)
Population: 23,507,783
Racial Distribution: 48% white, 12% black, 1% Native American, 3% Asian, 36% Hispanic
Per Capita Personal Income: $29,372
Unemployment: 7.5%

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