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Mad, mad, mad, mad State of the Union

Categories: News
Why bicker about the nuances of President Bush's State of the Union address Tuesday night, when you can create your own version of it! Using Westword's cutting-edge text-processing technologies, we have created a Mad Libs version of parts of Bush's speech (if you don't know what Mad Libs are, feel very bad about yourself, then go here).

Want Bush to grovel before the new Democratic majority? Make him do it! Want universal health care? Here's your chance! Dreaming of deploying all religious-right nut jobs to Iraq? Go fucking nuts! Minutes of fun, guaranteed. Post your best creations in the comments section.

STATE OF THE (NOUN)

This rite of (NOUN) brings us together at a defining hour — when (PLURAL NOUN) are hard and (NOUN) is tested. We enter the year 2007 with large (PLURAL NOUN) underway, and others that are ours to begin. In all of this, much is asked of us. We must have the will to face difficult (PLURAL NOUN) and determined (PLURAL NOUN) — and the wisdom to face them (ADVERB).

Some in this Chamber are new to the House and Senate — and I (VERB) the Democratic majority. Congress has changed, but our responsibilities have not. Each of us is guided by our own (PLURAL NOUN) — and to these we must stay faithful...

Spreading opportunity and hope in America also requires public schools that give children the (NOUN) and (NOUN) they need in life. Five years ago, we rose above partisan differences to pass the No Child Left Behind Act — preserving local (NOUN), raising (PLURAL NOUN) in public schools, and holding those schools accountable for (PLURAL NOUN). And because we acted, students are performing better in (NOUN) and (NOUN), and minority students are closing the (ADJECTIVE) gap...

A future of hope and opportunity requires that all our citizens have affordable and available health care. When it comes to health care, government has an obligation to care for (PLURAL NOUN), (PLURAL NOUN)and poor (PLURAL NOUN). We will meet those responsibilities. For all other Americans, (ADJECTIVE) health insurance is the best way to meet their needs...

Extending hope and opportunity in our country requires an immigration system worthy of America — with laws that are (ADJECTIVE) and borders that are (ADJECTIVE). When laws and borders are routinely violated, this harms the interests of our country. To secure our border, we are doubling the size of the (NOUN) — and funding new (NOUN) and (NOUN)...

It is in our vital interest to diversify America's energy supply — and the way forward is through (NOUN). We must continue changing the way America generates electric power — by even greater use of (NOUN), (NOUN) and (NOUN)... We must continue investing in new methods of producing ethanol— using everything from (PLURAL NOUN), to (PLURAL NOUN) to (PLURAL NOUN)...

The (ADJECTIVE) and (ADJECTIVE) extremists are different faces of the same totalitarian threat. But whatever slogans they chant, when they (VERB) the innocent, they have the same wicked purposes. They want to (VERB) Americans ... (VERB) democracy in (LOCATION)... and gain the (PLURAL NOUN) to (VERB) on an even more horrific scale...

this war is more than a clash of arms — it is a decisive ideological struggle, and the (NOUN) of our nation is in the balance. To prevail, we must remove the conditions that inspire blind (NOUN), and drove 19 men to get onto airplanes and come to (VERB) us...

In order to make progress toward this goal, the Iraqi government must stop the (PLURAL NOUN) in its capital. But the Iraqis are not yet ready to do this on their own. So we are deploying reinforcements of more than (NUMBER) additional (PLURAL NOUN) and (PLURAL NOUN) to Iraq. The vast majority will go to Baghdad, where they will help Iraqi forces to clear and secure neighborhoods, and serve as advisers embedded in Iraqi Army units. With Iraqis in the lead, our forces will help secure the city by chasing down (PLURAL NOUN), (PLURAL NOUN), and roaming death (PLURAL NOUN)...

In such courage and compassion, ladies and gentlemen, we see the (NOUN) and (NOUN) of America — and these qualities are not in short supply. This is a decent and honorable country — and resilient, too. We have been through a lot together. We have met (PLURAL NOUN) and faced (PLURAL NOUN), and we know that more lie ahead. Yet we can go forward with confidence — because the State of our Union is (ADJECTIVE) ... our cause in the world is (ADJECTIVE)... and tonight that cause goes on. — Joel Warner


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