Blogs

Here's a brief look at some of the items America is desperate to learn about today:

Dana Perino
Dana Perino, raised and educated here in Colorado, is taking over as White House spokeswoman in the wake of Tony Snow’s resignation. Congratulations, Dana, and hopefully all that spinning won’t make you too dizzy!

Ghetto Handbook
A police officer in Houston was suspended for distributing a handout called Ghetto Handbook: Wucha Dun Did Now? that purported to teach readers to understand Ebonics. What he did done was probably get his ass fired for being a racist prick.

WWE wrestlers suspended
Ten WWE wrestlers were suspended for steroid use. Wait, when did they update the policy? I thought you could only get kicked out of the WWE for not using steroids.

Selvin Young
Everyone loves an underdog, and Selvin Young is the underdog of the day, after an impressive performance in his two preseason appearances launched him to No. 2 on the Broncos running back depth chart. Way to go Selvin, but watch out. In the future, everyone will start at running back for the Denver Broncos for fifteen minutes.

What is Labor Day
With Labor Day around the corner, everyone wants to know why they’re getting the day off work. I’ll give you two answers: officially, to celebrate the achievements of American labor. Now the real answer: Who cares? It’s a day off from work. – Cory Casciato

Many psychologists have evaluated Michael Tate, but none of them know for sure what’s wrong with him. He committed murder and all the doctors, depending on if the defense or prosecution calls them to the stand, want the jury to believe that he is insane or he is not.

Testimony in the ninth day of the 19-year-old’s murder trial for a three-year-old crime began with Dr. Donald Jacobs, who evaluated Tate twice before the murder took place, once as a child at the Denver Children's Hospital when Tate was 8 and again at a residential treatment facility in Aurora when Tate was about 14. On the first evaluation, Jacobs testified, he diagnosed the youngster with bipolar disorder.

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After a twisted two weeks, Denver’s City Council approved a ballot initiative to make pot the lowest law enforcement priority in the city. The citizen’s proposal, brought forward by Mason Tvert’s SAFER Denver campaign, stumped a few councilors, including Chris Nevitt, who defended the initiative’s message even as he derided it as a simple, symbolic effort. Council at first considered adopting a similar ordinance in order to have the courts strike it down. But this week, in true democratic fashion, city leaders opted to put the question to voters. Amid the brouhaha, four councilors and the Mayor admitted to — or didn’t deny — using pot in the past.

Though Denverites won’t decide on the SAFER Denver proposal until November, the peanut gallery on the Denver Post website went wild in recent weeks. Surprisingly, few people commented on the city leaders’ admissions (except to say ‘Ha, you can smoke pot and be successful’). Instead, the yappers focused on pot’s illegality. Here’s a sampling of comments:

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Here's a brief look at some of the items America is desperate to learn about today:
Britney Spears no pants
I think the reasons for searching the phrase “Britney Spears no pants” are pretty self-explanatory. In case I’m wrong, I’ve included the photograph and a link to a press release, which I will summarize here: Britney Spears went out without pants on. Shocker.

Phosgene
A forgotten sample of the choking agent phosgene, used widely in World War I, was found in the files of U.N. weapons inspectors. It’s like the time I found my months-unwashed gym uniform at the bottom of my locker in high school. Unlike the samples, which are supposedly safely sealed, my uniform was exposed to air and there were several casualties.

Polydactylism
Today’s word of the day is polydactylism, which means extra fingers or toes. The sudden interest was sparked this kid’s recent birth. He’s got twelve fingers and twelve toes, so he should have a real jump on his peers when he starts studying math.

Giant spider web
A giant spider web consisting of over 200 yards of webbing has engulfed a huge swath of a Texas state park. Best line from the story: “There are times when you can literally hear the screech of millions of mosquitoes caught in those webs.” This makes me nostalgic for the wave of insectsploitation movies from the ‘70s. I think I’ll have to go out and rent Kingdom of the Spiders.

Michael Jackson beer
No, this does not mean that the once King of Pop is going into the brewing business. This is the other Michael Jackson, the esteemed beer writer. He was found dead in London. In memoriam, I’m going to go get drunk on really good beer now.

Just when their current digs got decorated by an awesome new monster man mural[[1]] by Jesse Ledoux, Andenken gallery announces it is moving to a new location at 29th and Larimer. We like the present space, but it’s beginning to be clear that the contemporary urban art regularly featured at Andenken and frat boy bars like nearby Giggling Grizzly don’t exactly mix as well as one might expect. So we’re cool with it.

To check out the last show at the spot they’ve been at since 2001, head to 2110 Market tomorrow night for “Generation Gap” featuring a solo exhibit by Amanda Marie, a storybook stencil artist from Fort Collins.
The opening runs from 7-10pm. Call (303) 292-3281 for more info. – Jared Jacang Maher

So if you’ve been following the headlines closely, you may have already seen the Bloomberg News item
reporting that top hedge-fund managers make more in ten minutes than the average American worker earns in a year. The average annual pay of a truly motivated manager runs around $650 million — 22,255 times the average working stiff’s salary. Or you might have stumbled across the Steve Lipsher shocker in the Denver Post revealing that oversized second homes in Aspen contribute the bulk of that toddling town’s greenhouse gases, even though they’re occupied only a few weeks out of the year.

Meanwhile, we have mayors of towns a few miles from Aspen clamoring for increased severance taxes to deal with the impact of the gas boom on the Western Slope.

The obvious solution? Energy production taxes will only you get you so far. What we really need is a consumption charge on hedge managers who have trophy homes in Aspen. If they only live there 90-odd days a year, so much the better; the fee increases by a factor of 22,255, just on general principle, for being an energy-sucking absentee greedhead. That’s the kind of fee structure hedge managers understand.

Send the dough to the folks in Rifle, Parachute and other places being pillaged to develop the resources for the hedgehogs to consume. Simple, eh?

Next week: How to solve Ted Haggard’s tuition woes. -- Alan Prendergast

Tags: Aspen, Steve Lipsher, Rifle, Parachute, severance taxes, greenhouse gases

Alex Komarnitsky is a Boulder resident who likes to post things to the Internet (he was briefly famous for his Christmas light webcam). He posted this grotesque and incredible photo of a wasp defending “its” territory on a peach (apparently he grows peaches, too!), along with a bunch of other photos of peaches being assaulted by various flying beasts, which can be found here. – Cory Casciato

Offense Report No: 07-5822293
Date: 08-26-07
Type of Offense: Trespassing. Threats
Location of Offense: West Denver
Officer J. Craig reports:
“Investigation revealed that unknown suspect entered victim’s apartment through the closed/unlocked front door. After unknown suspect enter victim’s apartment unlawfully and without victim’s permission, he took approximately two-three steps into the living room and shouted, ‘Turn that fucking base down! I’m sick of that fucking base!” Shocked and terrified, victim [a 47-year-old male] demanded the unknown suspect leave his apartment immediately. Unknown suspect [a male in his 50’s] replied, “Fuck you! I will knock your ass!”, exited the apartment through the front door and entered the apartment across the hall. Victim called police.” – Jared Jacang Maher

Day eight of Michael Tate's murder trial was a glimpse into the early years of the now19-year-old, who has plead not guilty of murdering his friend’s father because he was, perhaps he still is, insane. Although Tate was a juvenile at the time of the crime, he is being tried as an adult. And as the jury listened to the testimony in his case, news broke that Governor Bill Ritter established a 7-member clemency board to review clemency petitions by people sentenced as adults for crimes that they committed as juveniles.

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KHOW talk-show host Peter Boyles is widely reviled by folks who disagree with his ultra-hardline stance on immigration reform -- so much so that's he's become one of the most controversial and divisive figures in Denver media. As a result, a statement he made during his August 30 morning drive-time program was especially surprising. According to him, the topic he takes more heat over than any other is his contention that people who personalize their affiliation with area sports teams -- crowing about "My Broncos," "My Rockies," "My Buffies" -- are misguided and stupid.

Seriously? More locals despise Boyles for what Daffy Duck once memorably described as "pronoun trouble" than for his seemingly wholesale embrace of every notion that pops into Tom Tancredo's head? Apparently so -- and sadly, this claim seems credible.

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Here's a brief look at some of the items America is desperate to learn about today:

Beth Mattek
Tennis star Beth Mattek is churning up the Internet today for her choice in, uh, “fashion” on the court. All I can say is if her sense of style sets a trend, tennis will quickly overcome golf as the sport with the most god-awful clothing associated with it.

Burning Man
The yearly freak festival kicked off Monday, but the big news this year that’s getting all the press is the early ignition of the Burning Man itself, which is usually burnt on Saturday, the second-to-last day of the festival. A San Francisco man has been arrested for arson for setting it alight. Remember grade school when there was always one kid who had to ruin a good time for everyone? That’s this guy, all grown up. Nice job, asshat.

Justine Ezarik
This videoblogger got a 300-page bill from AT&T for her iPhone and made a video post about it. Jesus. If these things catch on, there won’t be a tree left on the planet within two years. She told Gizmodo in an interview (her video is embedded in the interview) that the bill was only $274.81, but did cover around 30,000 text messages. Apparently AT&T felt each text deserved special mention.

Active Denial System
The Air Force apparently isn’t going to deploy its fancy ray gun in Iraq after all. Apparently, the fear of public backlash was the cause. Imagine, people having a queasy reaction to a weapon that makes the target feel like they’re being boiled alive. Torture at a distance is still torture, apparently.

Produce Paradise
Two brothers employed as produce workers make a funny video about the gangsta life of produce workers, then get fired from their jobs and sued by the company. Thank god we live in America, where our freedom of speech is a right, guaranteeing that the government can’t kill you for saying something, but big corporations are still free to make you wish you were dead. – Cory Casciato

Ever wonder what the world would look like if people disappeared tomorrow (or in 2012, if some of those conspiracy-theorist nuts are right)? Author Alan Weisman wrote a book about it, but for those too busy to read, he’s also created a handy interactive chart that hits the highlights. Some of my favorite points: cockroaches would die off in temperate climates (like Colorado) within three years (take that you little bastards!); the Earth will begin warming due to solar expansion by the time the depleted Uranium-238 in the U.S reaches its half life; and it would take 100,000 years or more for CO2 levels to return to pre-human levels. After poking around this thing, I’m now pretty interested in actually reading the book. Which is, I suppose, the point of him making it. – Cory Casciato

[Via Neatorama]

Terrorism, street crime, liberals wanting to take our guns. What’s a parent to do? Raising kids is hard enough without having to worry about the horrors that modern life is waiting to inflict on them at every turn. For parents that really care, there’s Bulletproof Baby, a company that produces the ultimate in personal protection for the little ones. Don’t believe it? Just go the site and watch the incredible video footage of the bulletproof stroller in action. Perfect for parents planning that vacation to Gaza, Iraq or Detroit! No self-respecting parent should be without their toddler taser, infants’ “my first” gas mask or comprehensive baby insurance.

Leo Tanguma's murals at Denver International Airport are rich with symbolism. The artist maintains the works have nothing to do with Illuminati's plans for one world government, but the internet, in all it's glory, is rife with people who won't be convinced.

For the most in-depth discussion out there on the "truth" behind (or under) DIA, head over to Coast to Coast and listen to the June 11 show.

Here's an interesting anaylysis of the symbolism in Tanguma's work.

Here's another one, this one is set to soothing world music and actually attempts to debunk the conspiracy theories.

This guy claims that on third of the amount of dirt moved to make the Panama Canal was excavated to build DIA. Why, you ask? To build an underground “filter” facility and shadow city where the human race will be cleansed of impurities. He also claims that you can use the murals as “an artistic creative measure of ALIENS....errrr...the alien agenda. The Nazi alien agenda.”

This one invites viewers to “judge it by(sic) yourself,” however, with wall-to-wall Gregorian chant set to the creepiest ambient electronica, this video leaves viewers with little option but to infer sinister, closed-door collaborations between the Illuminati and the race of reptilian humanoids who no doubt rule globe from underneath the airport.