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“After 20 years of training, he finally found his calling.”

And that calling was to restore the honor of his molested younger brother by donning a mask that looks like what Spiderman would wear if he joined the Blue Man Group and went all vigilante on Chile’s criminals.

Mirageman, by writer/director Ernesto Diaz Espinoza, will also likely be the best South American marital arts action hero B-movie you will ever see.

The free sneak preview screening at the Oriental Theater, this Saturday will also probably be the worst South American marital arts action hero B-movie you will ever see.

This is because you will probably never see a South American marital arts action hero B-movie again. Ever. Which means this could be the coolest thing you do all weekend. Especially since the star of this impossibly specific genre film, Marko “The Latin Dragon” Zaror, will be at the Northwest Denver theater [[1]] signing autographs and roundhouse kicking fans in the head, live and in person.

Before he was cast as a sullen Chilean asskicker who does clapping pushups, jumps down stairs and beats up gangs of Spanish-speaking ninjas, Zaror was a stunt double for The Rock in The Rundown. Kind of like a mix between Bruce Lee and Bruce Wayne, the hero of Mirageman[[2]] is backed by “one helluva kickass funky soundtrack,” promises the press release.

The South American marital arts action hero B-movie experience begins at 7:30 at the Oriental Theater, 4335 West 44th Avenue, (303) 455-2124. – Jared Jacang Maher

The big news in Denver this week revealed some odd and heartbreaking instances of animal and child abuse, as well as two free speech issues at Colorado public schools.

Yappers commenting on the Denver Post and Rocky Mountain News websites responded to the former in full force. Here are a few gems:

On Denver native Scott D. Clark, an auditor for the federal government, who ripped off a duck’s head in a Minnesota hotel:

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Here's a brief look at some of the items Americans are desperate to learn about today:

Two Headed Turtle
A rare, two-headed turtle is the star attraction at a Pennsylvania aquarium store. If P.T. Barnum were alive today, he would be running a website about shit like this and coining sayings about how there’s a sucker searching the web every fifteen nanoseconds.

Ryan Adams
There’s something about Minnesota and Ryan Adams. After a notorious drunken trainwreck of a show there in 2003, he performed a sort of dumbass encore last night when he flipped out about sound problems and left the stage suddenly, refusing an encore. Adams may be drug and booze free these days, but he still sounds like a drip (see Michael Roberts's "Ryan Adams Is Prolific as Ever," August 2 and our expanded web coverage of the interview here) and acts like a jerk.

Whateverlife
The 17-year-old geek wunderkind founder of whateverlife.com, a site that provides ways for MySpacers to spruce up their profiles, has turned a hefty profit on her initial investment of a few bucks to register the domain. The lesson? School is for losers. Drop out today and spend that time figuring out a way to turn an obscene profit on the Internet. Or, like, whatever.

Double D Kennels
Michael Vick’s spiritual successor is breeding steroid-enhanced dogs, presumably for fighting. I have a suggestion for an appropriate punishment for the special kind of idiots involved in dog fighting: let them fight their own dogs, all of them at once, barehanded. If they win, they go free. If they get eaten, well… it’s a dog-eat-dumbfuck world sometimes.

Xenu
Star magazine is reporting that Tom Cruise is building a $10 million bunker on his Telluride property to ride out the impending invasion of the space lord Xenu. His spokesperson vehemently denies the allegation. Xenu could not be reached for comment, but his spokesthetan says no invasion is impending, and besides, Scientologists are all bugfuck crazy, anyway. – Cory Casciato

As reported in this September 28 Rocky Mountain News article, Colorado State University's student communications board is slated to meet on October 4 to determine if J. David McSwane, student editor of CSU's Rocky Mountain Collegian newspaper, should be punished for approving a September 21 editorial reading "FUCK BUSH."

Of course, mainstream newspapers won't spell out the profane word in question, even if it's at the center of the issue -- which explains why the Rocky went with "F---" in the story accessible above. That's fairly unobtrusive, though, compared to the way local TV stations have been handling the matter. Many outlets have physically cut out all the letters in "FUCK" other than the "F." But the award for most variety goes to a September 23 package on Channel 4, which featured three -- count 'em, three -- approaches to the problem. In one shot, the entire word was digitally smeared to make it unreadable. In another, a piece of black tape was pressed over the "UCK." And in a third instance, correspondent Howard Nathan held the page in such a way that two of his fingers covered the "FU." Inventive!

As for Channel 31, the station made a laudatory choice on its website -- including a link to the image seen here in a text report about the Collegian controversy. That way, surfers can decide for themselves if they can handle looking at the editorial sans scissoring, black tape or anyone giving a finger or two.

By the way, the upcoming issue of Westword will include much more about the McSwane matter. -- Michael Roberts

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108-degrees today, but I’ve stopped caring about the heat. I experienced my first earthquake! It was very small and brief, but it still managed to send me flying from my bed and into the doorway for safety. I think I’m the only dork who has ever cowered in a doorway during an earthquake.

It looks like college won’t be happening this semester since I waited so long to get the ball rolling. I’ll have to wait for the winter semester to start in October. Of course by that time I’ll have a job and won’t be interested in any higher learnin’. Classic Orvedahl!

The roommate and his dog are settling in. I’m still analyzing his every purchase for clues. He chose furniture from Office Depot over Ikea and then said he enjoyed the Transformers movie. Stormclouds gather … I drank a few bottles of wine and tried to have a conversation with him but ended up passing out at some point. I’m sure he’s feeling good about his new living situation, stuck with a snooping creep who happens to be a blackout drunk.

I’ve realized I took a lot for granted in back in D-town. The abundance of good Mexican food (even though we’re two hours from the border, the food is garbage out here), but also the bike friendliness, the great bars, Watercourse Foods, etc, etc, ad nauseum. I’m excited to come back and visit; it will be nice to venture outside without wilting like a daisy.

I’ll see your ass this winter, Denver, and you better have a parade for me. Or at the very least some enchiladas.
-- Andrew Orvedahl

Andrew Orvedahl is a comedian, and person, born and raised in Denver who recently moved from sweet Denver to Riverside, California. He hopes this Week in the Life blog series will provide a tiny glimpse into the magnitude of regret he feels.

Since the first one in February, the event series known as Untitled at the Denver Art Museum has transformed the new Hamilton wing from a huge crumpled piece of tin foil into a huge crumpled piece of tin foil that serves booze. Add some interesting special events combining music, live performance and food – and voila! Suddenly tin foil becomes an awesome spot to spend a Friday night. Who knew? Well, everyone it seems. At least every underground art-partier sick of drafty warehouses and cramped galleries.

Tonight’s line-up should be just as interesting. Cello indieboy Ian Cooke is slated to croon along with experimental sonic duo Beatrix*JAR. Apparently the only instruments used by these Minneapolis-based circuit benders (known in real life as Bianca Pettis and Jacob Roske) are old Casio keyboards and other Goodwill-salvaged music toys that have been spliced and interconnected into contraptions that seem themselves almost artful.

Then there’s the performance piece titled The LEGS Project by local performance artist/fashion person Damaris Drummond. The YouTube teaser included above is maddeningly abstract – but what do you expect from a woman who spent last Valentines Day nailing pig hearts to the inside of a box? Thankfully, the only animal parts that LEGS involves is chicken feathers – along with house paint, vinegar, confetti and an old-school Schwinn. Hmmm. It’s interactive, so, uh, get involved with art, art goers! If you dare.

Untitled #8 starts at 6pm at the Denver Art Museum, 100 W 14th Avenue, free with regular museum admission ($10 for Colorado residents). Call (720) 865-5000 for more info. – Jared Jacang Maher

The swastika was known as an ancient religious symbol for Hindus and Buddhists before was appropriated by the Nazis in the 1940s. Since then, the pinwheel-like character has become the symbol of racism, fascism and other very bad isms.

Unfortunately, it is also makes for some very functional architecture.

Maximizing window space was likely the reason why the U.S. Navy designed a Coronado, California barracks building with four L-shaped wings. That was about forty years ago. It wasn’t until the recent introduction of Google Earth that everyone discovered what birds, satellites and space aliens have known all along: the seemingly innocuous building is actually AN ENORMOUS FUCKING SWASTIKA OHMYGOD!!!

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This awesome list of the world's weirdest and stupidest conspiracy theories features the DIA as headquarters for NWO underground base conspiracy (See our story, "DIA Conspiracies Take Off," August 30, for the full scoop on this one and some even weirder theories about our beloved airport), alongside such gems as Stephen King killed John Lennon; World War II never happened, but was staged as an elaborate plot to trick the world into pacifism; Nazi doctor Josef Mengele was actually the Zodiac killer, the Boston Strangler and the anthrax-letter mailer; and my favorite, The Beatles were a project of British psychological warfare designed to undermine the morals of American teens.

The whole site is worth a look, as the authors tear apart a number of wacko conspiracy theories with intelligence and biting sarcasm. -- Cory Casciato

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107 degrees today. The hottest temperature ever recorded on Earth’s surface was 134-degrees. I can’t fathom those extra 27 degrees. The Sun is dying, and I got a new roommate today. His name is John, he’s from Florida and he’s working on his Ph.D. in Mayan Archeology.

I have a two-bedroom apartment, so to save some money on rent, I’m renting out the second room. This is a Craigslist connection, so he could be cool, or he could be a serial killer on the run. That’s the magic and mystery of Craigslist!

It’s weird having a stranger around. We both go for the fridge door at the same time, and then both step back. We have to learn the dance of strangers. When he is gone I scrutinize the food he has purchased, his movie collection, and his dishes. I’m hunting (okay, snooping) for personality secrets. The soymilk says vegetarian, but then the sliced turkey throws me off. Backsliding veggie or maybe lactose intolerant? Wait, there’s some cheddar. Dammit!

He says he’s from Florida but here’s a collectible cup from Park City, Utah. I knew he was a serial killer.
-- Andrew Orvedahl
Andrew Orvedahl is a comedian, and person, born and raised in Denver who recently moved from sweet Denver to Riverside, California. He hopes this Week in the Life blog series will provide a tiny glimpse into the magnitude of regret he feels.

View the full piece here.

RTD crew party boyz ACT and JIVE get hoppin’ with a funky purple kangaroo recently painted in a filthy alleyway off Federal Boulevard and 3rd Avenue. – Jared Jacang Maher

Kid Nation, the new CBS reality series, premiered last week. And if you somehow missed all the hubbub over the summer about whether or not this series was appropriate or not, then let the matter be settled with a quote from the end of the first episode.

“I’m only eight. I’m a third-grader. I think I’m too young to be doing this.”

Couldn’t have said it better, Jimmy. (That’s not supposed to be read in a Peter Graves/Captain Oveur, Airplane! voice, by the way.) Jimmy was too young, as he maintained steadfast in the face of peer and host pressure. And he voluntarily left the show in the first episode, thereby proving himself to be the wisest of all forty kids there (plus the producers, handlers, and host). He was 8 freaking years old. What were you doing at 8? The only society I was building at 8 had to do with Star Wars action figures and the sandbox in my backyard—and even that ended because it was snack-time. And I’m sorry, but who are these parents who think that this is a good idea?

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The two men accused in the plot to kill Amateur Poker Tour owner Matt Sowash appeared in Jefferson County Court today, September 26.

Last December, Herb Beck, left, invested $36,000 in the poker company, which the Colorado Bureau of Investigation is currently investigating for securities fraud. In March, he hired private investigator Christopher Steelman to look into APT; he believed Sowash was hiding money from him and other investors. The two then allegedly plotted to kill or extort money from Sowash, and sent him threatening e-mails on June 18.

But the following week, Steelman went to the victim to warn him of what he said were Beck’s intentions, and he also provided the information to the CBI investigator.

Last month, Steelman and Beck were both charged with conspiracy to commit first-degree murder, conspiracy to commit kidnapping, and extortion. In court today, prosecutor Jim Stanley said he’d reached an agreement with Steelman’s public defender that Steelman's bond should be reduced from $500,000 to $10,000 and the murder and kidnapping charges dropped. The judge agreed.

Steelman exchanged a relieved glance with his wife, Lataine, before officers escorted him out of the courtroom. She had brought their four-year-old son and seven-month-old infant, and as she fed the baby in the hallway, she cried. “It’s good, but I wish it was lower,” she said of the reduced bond. “Because with the kids, it’s hard. The kids need him.”

Lataine Steelman said she couldn’t believe that things “turned out so bad” after her husband talked to the police. “He got involved with the wrong people, I guess,” she added.

Beck’s case was continued to next month, and his bond remains at $500,000. -- Jessica Centers

Topics discussed: ABC reality TV show "Kiddie Porn Nation," Britney Spears, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad, Notre Dame football.

A few things that are good early in the morning: breakfast burritos, blow jobs, strong coffee, forgiveness for last night’s sins, that first cigarette of the day and banana lumpia from Tropical Grill…

I love banana lumpia. Love, love, love. And in particular, I love banana lumpia when it’s made by Leah Eveleigh at Tropical Grill, which opened a few months back in the dead husk of what was once a half-decent Hawaiian restaurant in Aurora. This week, I finally got the chance to write about the place (a task taken on, more or less, as an excuse to shamelessly gorge myself on banana lumpia and a little bit of everything else off Eveleigh’s Filipino-Hawaiian, Pac-rim, straight-up tropical menu) and though not everything I ate there was wonderful -- I had some issues with the halo halo, for example, because it looked (and tasted) kinda like pudding gone wrong -- enough of it was that now I’ve become a full-fledged addict.

Between runs for more banana lumpia, I started chasing down all the restaurant news that’s been breaking now that summer’s over. The end of August and beginning of September are murderously slow in the industry, but when the weather broke, so did the logjams of news. In Bite Me, you’ll find all sorts of openings, closings, chefs going AWOL and at least one piece of news that made me happier than just about anything has all year.

Anything but that banana lumpia, anyhow.
-- Jason Sheehan