Popcorn Lung, September 6

Here's a brief look at some of the items America is desperate to learn about today:

iPhone rebate
In conjunction with the just-announced $200 price drop on the iPhone, Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced a $100 rebate for people that picked one up in the short time it was available before the price cut. So, if you were stupid enough to buy one of these overpriced gizmos, now you only look half as dumb.

Popcorn lung
A Centennial man has been diagnosed with so-called popcorn lung, damage to his lungs caused by the chemical diacetyl. The man reportedly ate two to three bags of extra-buttery microwave popcorn every day, and inhaled the steam to enjoy the aroma, which maximixed his exposure and subsequent damage. No word on whether the extra calories he got contributed to the better-known obesity-related conditions known as popcorn ass and popcorn gut.

Thursday night football
Are you ready for some football? It starts tonight with a clash between offensive powerhouses the Colts and Saints. Since both also have questionable defenses, I predict a final score of 48-38 Colts.

Cavemen
TV has finally hit rock bottom with this sitcom based on those already obnoxious enough Geico cavemen commercials. Thank god this trend didn’t take off twenty years ago or we’d still all be suffering through syndicated reruns of Where’s the Beef?

Fred Thompson
TV star Fred Thompson officially announced his candidacy for President last night. Is it much of a stretch to guess he’ll be the law and order candidate? I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist. On a more serious note, he does have valuable experience as White House chief of staff, CIA director and even a couple turns as the President under his belt. – Cory Casciato