What If? WTF?

The ever-thinning Rocky Mountain News and CBS 4 News are going into hype overdrive over "What If? Colorado," the ghastly, state-funded reality show being staged here (http://www.whatifcolorado.com) in an effort to boost our general awareness of disaster preparedness issues. The campaign, launched by the Colorado Office of Emergency Preparedness, also boosts awareness of the buttload of cash coming our way from Homeland Security that's being wasted on reality shows rather than paying for good old-fashioned duck-and-cover instruction in our schools.

This morning's Rocky has a gloriously goofy piece by Lisa Ryckman profiling the contestants in the show, who will spend time in a downtown bed-and-breakfast wrestling with power outages and anthrax scares and such. One of the lucky nine happens to be an editor at the Pueblo Chieftain. What the article doesn't reveal, though, is that hordes of other daily journalists applied for the gig but were turned down. Well, maybe not hordes. But we have learned about one failed media-minded contestant and have obtained a copy of his rejected application. Yes, it's THIS GUY:

Asked what five items he would need in case of emergency, our failed applicant responded:
1. Family-size Famous Pizza with anchovies
2. Case of Rebel Yell (for disinfectant purposes)
3. The Miles na Gopaleen Golden Book of Synonyms, Puns and Clichés
4. Small, sharp knife (in case of tracheotomy)
5. Web cam (if power available) or squirrel (for vitamins)

Other applications are still being leaked our way. Tune in for more. — Alan Prendergast