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45 Second Video Game Reviews

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Why give something the considered judgement is creators would prefer when you can make a snap judgement in 45 seconds.

Assassin’s Creed
Xbox360

Okay, this one took me a little while just to figure out what was going on, the stupid kid in line ahead of me at Best Buy apparently had been playing all day because he’s really far into the game. Maybe I’ll just press the punch button a lot and see what happens. Okay, now people are chasing me. Is this supposed to be Jerusalem? Arg, punch punch punch… death. Ah crap, that little kid is coming back, I’d better get out of here before he realizes I destroyed his game.

Cooking Mama 2
Nintendo DS

I went into this one expecting something beyond extraordinary – what I got was some crazy J-pop insanity that relied on me cutting onions and carrots and throwing them in a pot to make a stew in a given amount of time. I’m not kidding. This is a game that you pay money for. I guess, in all reality it’s no different from Guitar Hero, but instead of pretending to be Eric Clapton you can pretend to be Eric Clapton’s mom. As heartwarming as it sounds I think I just wasted 45 seconds that could have been spent perfecting a real stew.

Guitar Hero III
PS2/PS3/Wii/Mac/PC/Xbox 360

I seriously can’t imagine why on Earth this game would possibly have been released. I mean, maybe once, sure, but a third one? Are you serious? I had the pleasure to blister through a Sonic Youth tune with the computer telling me that I was failing miserably with a slew of boo’s and beep’s. No matter how rapidly I pressed the color-coded, Simon Says style buttons the fun never rose above a level of stupid awe. After that I went home to grab my tennis racket away wail away at the remarkably easy to play “Kool Thing” without a computer telling me that I was doing it poorly.

The Orange Box
Xbox 360/PC

So, I’m handed the controller and before I know it I’m playing one of the side games from the "Half-Life 2: Orange Box" set, "Portal." Mark my words, you couldn’t have ripped the controller out of my hands after 45 seconds if you were waving a thousand dollar bill two feet from my head. This is the most amazing video game I’ve experienced since Asteroids. My mind is so far blown that the only way to reconstruct it is to have some sultry sassy computer tell me how poorly I’m living life.

Super Mario Galaxy
Wii

What the hell is going on here? Oh, okay, apparently the laws of physics don’t apply in Mario’s newest adventure… wait, let me jump off of this planet and… holy crap! I landed on the other side. This is like controlling a fat man on a unicycle. I love Mario physics, I’m going to go jump off the top of my building to see what happens.

-- Thorin Klosowski


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