As you may have heard, crazy millionaire Sunshine Megatron, creator of the notorious and highly successful website www.tshirthell.com, recently moved to Denver. Our newest celebrity may not stick around long, however, since he’s already growing weary of the Mile High City. To find out why, we gave Mr. Megatron a Denver pop quiz:
If Denver was a T-shirt, it would read: I'm with sucking
The best thing about Denver you've discovered is: Various streets and highways make leaving a breeze.
The worst thing about Denver you've discovered is: It's a little unsettling to see the wildlife in the mountains committing suicide.
The folks you run with around the country consider Denver to be: Overrated as Gilligan; which overshadowed his subtle nuanced performance as Maynard G. Krebs on The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis.
If you could party with one Denverite, it would be: Jesus
What Denver needs to make it a world-class city is: To relocate to Manhattan
The Denver strippers are bad because: Everything I've said about Denver having sub par strippers was false. I take back everything. (I'm hoping this declaration will convince the lynch mob of average strippers that have been camped outside my loft since your article was published to leave me alone -- and to get nose jobs.)
In order to stay here, you would have to be convinced that: Everything I have ever known about happiness was wrong.
Please write a haiku about Denver:
oh mile high city
dirty, boring, sad and cold
at least you're not Englewood
Curse Sunshine and his Denver-hatin’ if you want, but it’s better to be like Mr. Megatron’s favorite Denverite (Jesus) and turn the other cheek by suggesting local activities that will help convince him Denver and Colorado don’t suck. Maybe Mr. Megatron will even hang out with the author of his favorite suggestion and pen his lucky date a haiku or two. – Joel Warner
Tell ya what I do when the clink of an empty Cristal bottle reminds me of my own lonely and loveless hollowness, which I try desperately to disguise with asinine bravado: I get me over to the Adoption Services page at Denvergov.org. I think about Denver's need for qualified foster parents, and about the neglected and troubled children who could benefit tremendously from what little I have to offer. Self-absorbed though I am, I would make sure that the kid learned how to read and had a safe place to live at the very least. I indulge this fantasy of becoming a responsible parent for hours, sometimes days. I trip out on the idea that maybe all my wealth and success could help someone else, and it gives me -- get this -- a sense of meaning. When I'm in this altered state, I look at the city with different eyes. My curiosity about life and people is renewed, and I see that Denver has a lot to offer. It doesn't last long, though. You can bliss out on shared humanity for only so long before you remember how hot the strippers are elsewhere. That's when I gotta hit the fire escape and flee from all my bullshit emotions, get the party started again, you know, because as long as I can rant about how much Denver sucks, I don't have to consider how excruciatingly pointless my life is.
Posted at: March 14, 2008 2:17 PM