Handicapping Big Brother 10

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CBS’ reality series Big Brother starts its 10th season this Sunday, July 13, with a whole new cast of housemates. And this year, they’re claiming that the show is returning to its roots: no stunt casting, no Z-list celebrities, no ex-lovers, no estranged siblings. Nothing other than a brand-spanking-new group of people to annoy the crap out of America.

But who’s got the best shot of remaining in the house this season? Here’s a rundown of the new contestants, and their (sometimes completely arbitrary and unfairly reasoned) position of elimination.

Robert "Memphis" Garrett, 25, mixologist and party planner from Los Angeles, CA

I have no problem with people who are born with odd names. I do have a problem with people who give themselves nicknames because they’re desperately trying to be something they’re naturally not. In this case, Mr. Garrett is trying to be Memphis-y, whatever that means. Also, dude: Mixologist? You’re a bartender. Embrace that, brother -- on your way home after the first vote. Evicted: 1st

Renny Martyn, 53, hair salon owner from Metairie, LA

Let’s count the strikes against Ms. Martyn. She’s an older woman, which doesn’t usually play well in this traditionally young-chick’s game. She’s a socialite, which will come off as haughty. And she seems like sort of a tongue-clucking scold, which won’t be put up with for long. She’ll go home damned with the faint praise: “She was sort of hot for 53.” Evicted: 2nd

Michelle Costa, 28, real estate agent from Cumberland, RI

As a realtor, Michelle will talk about nothing but the house itself, not the people in it. After a couple of weeks of endless (and unrequested) information about market fluctuation, bridge loans, curb appeal and appraisals, she’ll be asked to leave. She will, however, immediately find work on HGTV as the host of a new show called Never Stop Talking About Houses. Evicted: 3rd

Steven Daigle, 35, geographic consultant from Dallas, TX

What in the hell is a geographic consultant? Does he work for Mapquest or something? Anyway, the more important part of his résumé is that he’s a bull rider on the gay rodeo circuit. As the requisite gay man, he’s probably safe from immediate elimination; since he’s self-described as “outrageous,” he’ll probably play the Puck card and piss people off enough to get voted out sooner rather than later. Evicted: 4th

Brian Hart, 27, telecommunication account manager from San Francisco, CA

Ah, a “telecommunications account manager.” In other words, the annoying guy whose job it is to get you to switch your long distance carrier. What a fun guy to have around. The very fact that he’ll constantly interrupt meals to talk about the great deals available from AT&T means that he should go quickly. Evicted: 5th

Bryan Ollie, 27, marketing sales representative from Bloomington, MN

The bible-thumper of the group, Ollie has been set up to be outraged by the behavior of some of the younger women, and probably Steven’s “lifestyle choice.” He’ll be smart enough to hold back his true opinions of things for a few weeks, but once that dam breaks, head for the hills, Martha. Evicted: 6th

April Dowling, 30, finance manager from Higley, AZ

Dowling has been publicized to be something of a crazy person -- whether that turns out to play on the small screen is another question. But it’s true that she spent some time in Arizona’s infamous “tent city” for drunk driving, and that she refuses to take her anti-anxiety meds. In real life, her odds of lasting would be pretty low; on reality TV, the nuttier you are, the longer the producers prevent your explusion. Evicted: 7th

Jessie Godderz, 22, bodybuilder from Huntington Beach, CA

Okay, first, Jessie spells his name with the feminine “ie” ending, which loses him points. But maybe it’s a tribute to Jessie Spano from Saved by the Bell, which gains him some support by the majority of the rest of the house who totally loved that show. But then he’ll get that body grease stuff all over the furniture, which will get him tossed on his glutes. And not even the power of the Bell will be able to save him. Evicted: 8th

Jerry MacDonald, 75, retired marketing executive from Magnolia, TX

Depending on whether he comes off as your favorite grandpa or the mean old bastard who used to yell at you while he was sitting in a lawn chair, watering his lawn by hand because he had the damned time, he’ll either last for a good while or go almost immediately. Since he’s apparently spent his retirement watching all the previous material (on TV and online), odds are he knows enough to play the good ol’ guy -- but his housemates will know that he’d be unbeatable, and never let him get into the final four. Evicted: 9th

Libra Thompson, 31, human resources representative from Spring, TX

Libra seems like an intelligent woman, and a fair judge of character. This will get her far. However, the fact that she is, in fact, not a Libra but a Leo will break in the latter stages of the game, making everything she’s said up to that point fall under a shroud of suspicion. She’ll leave with some grace, and then waste it all in a foxy-boxing match with Omarosa on Celebrity Fight Club. Evicted: 10th

Dan Gheesling, 24, high school teacher from Dearborn, MI

Dan will hide in a closet on Day One and won’t be discovered until Libra is packing her things on her way out of the house. He’ll then try to fit in, but his skin will be so pale, and he’ll be so malnourished by this time that his very appearance will disturb viewers. Dan won’t be so much voted out as quietly escorted to a high-security recovery center -- to be prepped for a grand comeback in Big Brother 11. Evicted: 11th

Angie Swindell, 29, pharmaceutical sales representative from Orlando, FL

Angie is the traditional non-threatening, fly-under-the-radar player who never seems to draw attention to herself, never making enemies, never causing trouble. Which is fine, until she gets to the final two and fades from figurative to literal invisibility, and everyone forgets about her completely. Evicted: 12th

Keesha Smith, 29, waitress from Burbank, CA

A proud employee of Hooters and faithful member of PETA whose heroes are her Mom and Dad? It’s like the American Dream put on a blond wig. Her only minus here is that she talks about not knowing a “sole” when she came to California. So she’s got this contest wrapped up, so long as there’s no spelling involved. Evicted: Not. Winnah!

For a look at the way CBS is promoting Big Brother 10, screen the video below. -- Teague Bohlen

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