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Adam Cayton-Holland's blogging tips for Monica Owens: day two

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Monica, oh Monica.

It's day two at the RNC for former First Daughter of Colorado Monica Owens, and the Denver media has gotten wind of your glorious presence in St. Paul. Last night it seemed that every television I walked by – at the gym, at a restaurant, at a bar – was broadcasting your waxen visage. Your father once declared, erroneously, that "today, all of Colorado is on fire." All of Colorado may not be on fire, Monica, but my pants certainly are. And it’s not because I’m a liar.

But while you certainly are looking good at the RNC, girlfriend, your 9News.com blogging -- which I talked to you about yesterday -- is still lackluster at best. For instance, you write in your latest blog: "We were very surprised and excited that First Lady Laura Bush and Cindy McCain dropped by the convention to speak to us… they are definitely two of the most poised and elegant women that I have ever met."

It’s clear you have not been paying attention to my advice.

First of all, First Lady Laura Bush "poised"? Pshaw! The woman has the wild-eyed look of a feral, cornered rabbit, like she’s either going to dart the fuck away or go straight for your jugular, Bunnicula-style. And since when is applying makeup with a shotgun "elegant"? The only excuse I can possibly think of for her makeup job is that she's spent the past eight years getting ready for The Dark Knight by dressing like the Joker. Otherwise, she looks about as elegant as a Texas whore who one day dreams of singing alongside the piany.

But I guess for a lesbian high-school volleyball coach, Cindy McCain is kind of elegant.

That’s beside the point, though, Monica. This is about you and your blogging and how it’s boring the few remaining tears I have left from guffawing at Sarah Palin as the vice-presidential choice right out of me.

"We began yesterday with a Colorado Delegation breakfast in which we heard from John McCain’s son, Andy McCain, Utah Governor Jon Huntsman, Secretary Dirk Kempthorne and Secretary Jim Nicholson," blah, blah, fucking blah. Are you kidding me, Monica? You have unlimited access to meeting the greatest powers in the Republican Party and the best thing you can blog about is breakfast with Andy, Jon, Dirk and Jim? Get in there and get your hands dirty, girl: report! Tell us what motor oil Cheney drinks in the morning. Let us know what pet-names Joe Lieberman and the Devil have for one another. Give us something.

But you know what the saddest thing is? Your blog entries are littered with ellipses. You know, "..." This indicates to me that they’re not even publishing all that you’re sending them. That some poor summer intern at 9News who really only took the job to Kathy Sabine-gawk is charged with sitting there, poring over your laborious prose and siphoning some sort of palatable entry.

And all the poor rube can come up with is shit like this: "We then went to the Smash Mouth concert which was put on by Citizen’s United."

Smash Mouth! I didn’t even know they still existed! Apparently they do, and they’re rocking out for white people in Minneapolis. How impossibly lame is that? Just of hand, the bands that I can recall performing at the DNC in Denver include Death Cab for Cutie, Nada Surf, Kanye West, N.E.R.D., The Cool Kids and Rage Against the Machine. Meanwhile, Monica Owens and the rest of the Republicans are rocking out to fucking Smash Mouth! You might as well be walking on my balls, Monica. You’re killing me.

I’m starting to think this relationship between us may not work out. I know I shouldn’t talk like that, Monica -- of course I know that. But you’re really going to have to give me something to hold on to here soon. Otherwise, I may have to end it. -- Adam Cayton-Holland


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