A vote for Mark Udall is a vote for Europarodo
The strangely cheery flier appeared in the mail last week.
"Europe, it sure is a nice place to visit…" read its cover, emblazoned with pretty pictures of beautiful tourists spots across the pond. By golly, it sure is! The flier was eagerly ripped open, in expectation of some exotic trip offer or at least a coupon for a Rick Steves DVD.
Big whammy: It was one of those political attack mailings flooding mailboxes these days, this one aimed at U.S. Senate candidate Mark Udall. Sure, Europe may be fun for a vacation, explained the brochure -- but "we can’t afford to let our American economy become more like Europe." Udall apparently favors a cap-and-trade pollution policy that’s fared poorly in Europe, the flier notes.
Oh, come on! Is "European-like" the worst slander Udall’s opponents can muster? Can’t they at least suggest he’s a terrorist or has terrorist pals or once uttered the word "terrorist" or something? What’s so bad about Europe, anyway? Come to think of it, the fact that Udall wants to make Colorado more European makes us inclined to vote FOR him. Here are some other Eurotrashy elements he should bring to this fair state if he wants my unqualified support:
• Canals for everyone
• High-speed monorails, preferably with Tom Cruise hanging off the side
• Siesta, followed by tea time
• Mayonnaise on our fries and Marmite on our toast
• Rachel Weisz
• An underground super-collider thingy that may, just may, destroy the universe
• The exhilarating sense of anxiety that comes from being in a place only 70-odd years out from a genocidal, totalitarian regime
• Supermodel first ladies
• Sketch comedy consisting entirely of men dressing as ladies
• Legalized prostitution (I'm just sayin'…) -- Joel Warner