Fox 31's Ron Zappolo struggles to report story of elderly woman squeezing Dick

• Obviously with your spelling abilities, you are showing your intelligence level.

• HI WANT TO KNOW THE REAL SCOOP? I WORKED IN AN ELECTRONICS LAB ON 120TH AND INDUSTRIAL LANE IN BROOMFIELD COLORADO TESTING PARTS FOR "SPACE SATTELITES" WE HAD TO SHOCK THEM WITH 4 MILLION VOLTS TO MAKE SHURE THEY WUOLD HOLD UP. AGAINST WHAT? HMMMM? WELL ANY WAYS WENT ON BREAK ONE DAY AND STARTED WALKING NEXT DOOR WERE THERE WAS A HANGER i LOOKED IN AND SAW WELL A FREAKING SPACE SHIP THE HULL WAS SHAPED LIKE AN ARROW HEAD WITH A OVAL BUBBLE ON TOP IT HAD 6 WINGS AND 20 SMALLER WINGS MAID OUT OF WHAT APEARED TO BE BLUEISH TITANIUM? IT WAS HOOKED TO A CHUNK OF STEEL ABOUT 4 BY 4 FEET THICK! TO TEST THE ENGINE THE HANGER DOOR CLOSED AND AN EXPLODEING SCREAMING BANGING NOISE STARTED 100 TIMES LOUDER THAN A JET CAR! AND A BLINDING PURPLE BLUE AND GREEN LIGHT FLASHED OUT OF THE WINDOWS WITCH i FOUND OUT WERE ABOUT THREE INCES THIS AND BLACK WITH THE SAME STUFF YOUR MICROWAVE DOOR IS MAID OUT OF. THE GROUND WAS SHAKEING SO BAD I HAD TO CROUCH DOWN TO NOT FALL OVER SUDDENLY TWO MEN WITH MACHINEGUNS SLAMMED ME FACE DOWN ON THE GROUND AND ASKED ME A BUNCH OF QUESTIONS ABOUT WHAT I SAW I THEN LIED MY ASS OFF AND SAID JUST A BRIGHT LIGHT THEY SAID IF I CAME BACK THEY WUOLD PUT ME IN MILITARY PRISON AND THAT WHEN I SAW THE JUDGE HE WUOLD GIVE ME A LIE DETECTER TEST TO PROVE I SAW THE SHIP AND THEN WUOLD BE PUT TO DEATh! MAKES YOU WONDER HOW MANY MISSING PERSONS ARE JUST PEOPLE WHO SAW SOMETHING? ONE WEEK LATER ON BREAK I MET A GUY SMOKEING ON THE EDGE OF WERE YOUR ALOUD TO BE HE WAS ABOUT 27 HE LOOKED ABOUT 90 YEARS OLD WITH DISCOULERD SKIN THAT WAS FALLING OFF! I ASKED HIM WHAT IS THAT THING THAT LOOKS LIKE ITS OUT OF STAR WARS HE SAID EXACTLY THAT ITS A MILITARY SPACE CRAFT THAT GOS HALF THE SPEED OF LIGHT AND THAT IT WAS NUCULEAR POWERD BASICALLY A ATOM BOMB WITH WINGS STRAPPED TO IT HE SAID THEY MAID HIM WORK ON IT HE GOT THE JOB EXPECTING TO WORK ON JETS AND HAVE A GOOD LIFE INSTEAD HE WAS PUTTING NUCULEAR FUEL CELLS IN THIS MONSTROSITY HE SAID ALL HIS CO WORKERS THAT WERE THERE WHEN HE STARTED SKIN FELL OFF AND THEN DIED! AND THAT HE IS NOT ALOWWED TO LEAK INFORMATION OR QUIT HIS JOB HE TRIED TO QUIT AND THEY FORCED HIM BACK TO WORK WITH GUNS SO BASICALLY YOU WORK THERE INTELL YOU DIE WITH IS 2 OR 3 WEEKS GEUSS THATS A GOOD WAY TO KEEP SOMETHING SECRET JUST KILL THEM ALL! HE SAID HE IS GOING TO DIE SOON AND DOSENT CARE IF HE TELLS ME THAT IF HE GOT CUAGHT HOPEFULLY THEY WUOLD KILL HIM i WUOLDNT WANT TO LIVE WITH MY SKIN FALLING OFF IT WAS GROS HE WAS YELLOWISH WITH WHITE CRUsTY SKIN CHUNKS THAT HE WUOLD SCRATCH OF THICK LAYERS TOo AND IT WUOLD BLEED HE ALSO HAD GREEN AND PURPLE BOILs ITS MAKEING my STOMACH TURN THATS A GROSE MENTAL PICTURE THINK I MIGHT PUKE! IT MAKES SENSE WHY YOU WUOLD WANT TO GET SHOT! SO THERE YOU HAVE IT THERE IS A SPACE SHIP THAT CAN GO TO JUPITER IN HALF AN HOUR PRETTY COOL IF YOU DONT MIND CANCER! WHO KNOWS MAYBE JUST THE SLAVES THAT FUEL IT UP GET CANCER? MAYBE ONE DAY i CUOLD GO ON MURRY OR SOMETHING AND TAKE A LIE DETECTER TEST ON NATIONAL TV BUT I AM SURE NOT EVERYBODY NEEDS TO KNOW THEY ARE JUST SLAVES FOR AN INTERGALACTIC EMPIRE? GO CHECK IT OUT IF YOU WANT IT WAS 10 YEARS AGO SO MOST LIKELY IT WAS MOVED IM SURE WITH PEOPLE LIKE ME THE NEWS WUOLD BE ALL OVER IT BUY NOW BUT WHO KNOWS YOU MIGHT SEE SOMETHIN IF YOU GO IN THE RIGHT BUILDING THE SECURITY IS REALLY STUPID THERE YOU CUOLD WALK RIGHT IN AND PRETEND TO BE WORKING AND NOBODY WUOLD NOTICE THEY ARE QUIT STUPID REALLY MAKES SENSE THUOGH THEY CANT HAVE WATCH TOWERS AND TANKS LOL THAT WUOLD GIVE IT AWAY BUT SERIOSLY GO CHECK IT OUT JUST LISTIN FOR LOUD NOSES OR LOOK FOR STRANGE LIGHTS! OH AND TO WHO EVER RUNS THIS SITE PLEASE ERASE MY IP ADRESS I REALLY DONT FILL LIKE DIEING BUT I WUOLD LIKE EVERYBODY TO KNOW ABOUT THIS ALLRIGHT THANKS

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• I hope they had to photograph his privates for the trial. I imagine the court transcript would read as follows... Prosecution: "So, Mister Dick (If that really is your name..) would you like to explain to the court just why your testicles are the colors of the rainbow in this photograph labeled evidence 12B?" <Slide tray clicks and hums, displaying photo> [A collective gasp of horror echoes in the courtroom] Narrator: "And Another first for CourtTV...But we'll be right back after this word from Ball Park Franks..." [Cue commercial]

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