Where have you gone, Sunshine Megatron?
Oh, hell. Sunshine Megatron, millionaire titan of obnoxious Internet humor, name-changing scoundrel of dubious sanity and random Denver transplant is closing up shop on T-Shirt Hell, his notorious and wildly successful T-shirt site. That's bad news for all those hoping to stock on up casual wear emblazoned with the likes of "I Fucked the Olsen Twins Before They Were Famous" and "I Beat Cancer (By Cancer I Mean Children)."
Last we heard from Sunshine Megatron, he was living the high life in a strangely empty Curtis Park loft across the street from Denver's homeless shelters. He didn't seem to know why he'd decided to move there, of all places, in late 2007 after stints in ritzy locales all over the country; maybe he'd busted a gasket after one too many Cristal champagne and Cheez-It binges. Then, last week, shoppers at T-Shirt Hell got an update from Mr. Megatron in an online letter explaining that he's pulling the plug on the operation come Tuesday, February 10. He won't even attempt to sell the still-lucrative enterprise. Why? Because, as he puts it, he's crazy.
Crazy about all the haters, anyway. The folks who pepper him with hate mail because they don't get the joke about slogans like "It's not gay if you beat them up afterwards." Folks like the Olsen twins, who sent him a cease-and-desist letter. And maybe the folks pissed off about the time Megatron raped and killed a mountain panda in the hills of Shaanxi. (It's true. He swears it.)
So that's it. Goodbye and fuck you from Sunshine, sayonara to all you shitheads. As Megatron put it on his site, "I have enough money to move on to something more rewarding. Maybe I'll start my own hooker farm or maybe I'll practice sleeping."
Turns out he hasn't begun planting slut seedlings just yet. As he noted in a recent e-mail, he's in Los Angeles now, "writing/producing/filming/funding my own Hollywood motion picture." Maybe it's Transformers 3, the one in which Megatron shits Lexus Hybrids.
And, yes, that means he's given up on his peculiar desire to live in one of the crappiest locales in all of Denver. "My place in Denver is currently for sale as well," he writes. "If you know anyone that wants to live in that notorious loft, let me know."
Who knows? For the right buyer, he might even clean out the dead midget hookers in the closet.