Our letter to Jay Cutler now that the Broncos are planning to trade him
Dear Jay --
First of all, congratulations on proving that passive resistance is still a viable strategy in this day and age. After all the comments and complaints you made about Josh McDaniels' attempt to trade you for his old buddy, Matt Cassel, you've proven that silence can be a person's most powerful weapon. Mahatma Gandhi would be proud.
Now comes the hard part -- waiting to see where you'll be heading -- and once again, zipping your lips is the way to go until a trade takes place. Don't call up ESPN and make public statements about not wanting to wind up in some NFL shithole -- because a shithole is probably your destination (De-troit! De-troit! De-troit!). And once you land in that shithole, for God's sake, don't call it a shithole. Talk about how wonderful the people are, how excited you are to be getting the chance to make a fresh start, and how great the place is, even though it's really a shithole (De-troit! De-troit! De-troit!). Emphasize that you want to become a part of the community, and then actually go out and do it. Volunteer your time at schools. Serve dinners at homeless shelters. Make every attempt to prove that you're not the spoiled brat you've appeared to be since February at least.
No, it's not going to be fun -- but you can do it. And you should also hold your tongue when you find out that your new teammates aren't nearly as talented as you are. Deliver positive comments about their toughness and resolve in the press conference following your regular-season debut even though you were sacked nine times in the first half. Remember: This is what you asked for. Embrace it and move forward, secure in the knowledge that you'll no longer be disrespected in a terrific place like Denver. Instead, you'll be the new king of a shithole (De-troit! De-troit! De-troit!).