Our letter to Josh McDaniels now that the Broncos are planning to trade Jay Cutler
Dear Josh --
First, an admission: We're disappointed that you and Jay Cutler didn't develop a fine bromance. You guys seemed perfect for each other. I bet the two of you could have rocked the hell out of Rush's "Tom Sawyer."
But we're moving on, and it's good that you are, too. Yes, you bear a good share of the responsibility for this breakup because of the dopey way you mooned after Matt Cassel despite just hooking up with a new fella -- and instead of coming clean and saying "sorry" after being caught, you acted like nothing had happened. Bad call, dude. No wonder you've spent the past few weeks sleeping on the couch. On the other hand, who could have guessed that Jay would go into full-frontal tantrum mode in response to this whole thing? Can you say "psycho"? We knew you could.
Don't be in too big a rush to get rid of him, though. Sure, it's a drag to be dealing with all this drama -- but unlike the Colorado Rockies, who took the first quarter-way decent offer for Matt Holliday, and got far less than they should have as a result, be patient. Wait until the bidding gets crazy before pulling the trigger -- and if things don't heat up to your satisfaction, feel free to lie. Tell one franchise that another one promised to give up first-round picks for the next five years, then go back to the first one and say their rival countered with six of them. It's not that hard -- and if Cutler is right, you've done it before. Also, don't send Cutler to a shithole simply out of spite, no matter how good it might feel to do so. But if said shithole comes up with the best package, ship him there immediately, and try not to gloat (De-troit! De-troit! De-troit!).
And when you find a new quarterback? Treat him right. Be loyal. Be true. Buy him flowers if you have to. Because if you don't, you could wind up with a reputation as a bad boyfriend. And who'll want to be in a bromance with you then?