This weekend, just say no to porn
If there were an award for the catchiest first paragraph in a press release e-mailed to Westword this week, the one from Laguna Beach-based New Life Ministries would win it, no contest.
"As the pastor stepped up to the podium to preach his Sunday morning sermon, he opened what he thought was the Power Point outline of his talk. The image displayed on the ten-foot screen was a shocker of biblical proportions -- a naked couple engaged in an explicit sex act. Church leaders discovered files full of similar images on the pastor's computer; his pornography addiction was exposed."
What what?! Turns out the press release is hyping Every Man's Battle, New Life's weekend-long just-say-no-to-porn workshop, which is coming to a super-secret location in the Denver area this weekend. For the low, low price of $1,375 -- less if you're a pastor -- porn-addicted and unfaithful men will receive a two-night stay in a hotel and seminars on how to resist temptation with a capital T.
"The EMB workshop is for men who find themselves pulled into use of pornography, those who seek out sexual gratification through compulsive masturbation, massage parlors, or prostitutes, or those who have been involved in extra-marital affairs," says the Every Man's Battle website.
Most men attend reluctantly, urged by a wife who's threatening divorce, the site says. And usually that wife is threatening divorce because the husband "acted out" his addiction to pornography -- and the wife ended up with The Clap! "Our biggest goal is to help reach men before the problem ever becomes a consuming addiction," the site says.
It's a shame no one told South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford about the workshops.
Or Jon Gosselin. The. Most. Important. Husband. In. America.
But it might not be too late for Denver-area philanderers to get some help. To sign up, men -- or their fed-up wives -- should call New Life's 24-hour hotline at 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Once you're registered, New Life will send you an e-mail with the location of the workshop. Let's hope it's nowhere near Kitty's on Colfax -- or anywhere a man could get his hands on the back pages of Westword.