Big feet, big trunks: Ten of the country's most eligible elephant bachelors
Ken Bohn, San Diego Zoo Ranchipur, a 43-year-old bull at the San Diego Zoo, tries to pick up 42-year-old Cha Cha. "Hey baby. Are you wearing space pants? Because your ass is out of this world!" "Oh, like I haven't heard that one before. Dick."
"Caution: A Herd of Bull Elephants is Coming to the Denver Zoo," this week's cover story, looks at the Denver Zoo's plan to build Asian Tropics, a new exhibit that will be capable of housing up to eight male elephants. The plan is (literally) a big deal, because so few zoos are equipped to keep the bigger, more aggressive bulls.
But in order for zoos to breed the endangered Asian elephants -- an industry-wide goal -- they need males. Plus, there's a 50-50 chance that the 250-pound elephant babies produced by such couplings will be boys. In light of those two facts, the Denver Zoo decided to step up to the plate and build what will likely be the largest male-capable zoo facility in the U.S.
In light of that fact, we here at Westword decided to compile a list of the ten most eligible elephant bachelors, as recorded by the 2007 Association of Zoos and Aquariums Asian elephant studbook -- and as imagined by us. Tell me about it, stud.
Coco, 38, Columbus Zoo and Aquarium, Powell, Ohio
SAM w/ K seeks BBW to be FWB. WTR.
Single Asian Male with Kids seeks Big Beautiful Woman to be Friends With Benefits. Willing to Relocate.
Sabu-hit, 21, Dickerson Park Zoo, Springfield, Missouri
SM NM ISO SF for X. WAA.
Single Male Never Married In Search Of Single Female for Extreme Adult Situations. Will Answer All.
Groucho, 39, Fort Worth Zoological Park, Fort Worth, Texas
FSM seeks NM, LS or WiF. D/D only. AL a plus.
Financially Secure Male seeks Never Married, Legally Separated or Widowed Female. Drug and Disease Free only. Animal Lover a plus.
Thailand, 44, Houston Zoological Gardens, Houston, Texas
BHM w/ K WLTM SPF. Must be NS. LD okay.
Big Handsome Male with Kids Would Like To Meet Single Professional Female. Must be a Non-Smoker. Light Drinker okay.
Billy, 24, Los Angeles Zoo, Los Angeles, California
SM ISO MOTOS for PNP and SWS.
Single Male In Search Of Member of the Opposite Sex for Party and Play and Sex Without Strings.
Packy, 47, Oregon Zoo, Portland, Oregon
TDHM seeks SF w/ SOH. IPT FTA and W/S.
Tall Dark Handsome Male seeks Single Female with Sense of Humor. Is Partial To Fun Travel Adventure and "Water Sports."
Dalip, 42, Miami Metrozoo, Miami, Florida
MBAM WLTM BBW for SSW on the DL. Me: W/E, TYVM.
Married But Available Male Would Like to Meet Big Beautiful Woman for Sex Without Strings on the Down Low. Me: Well Endowed, Thank You Very Much.
Ranchipur, 43, San Diego Zoo, San Diego, California
VGLM ISO VGLW for TLC and RPG. XOXO.
Very Good Looking Male In Search of Very Good Looking Female for Tender Loving Care and Role Playing Games. Hugs and Kisses.
Indy, 38, Rosamond Gifford Zoo at Burnet Park, Syracuse, New York
BHM seeks SCF or TV for LDR. CD need not answer this ad.
Big Handsome Male seeks Single Christian Female or Transvestite for Long-Distance Relationship. Cross-Dressers need not answer this ad.
Sneezy, 36, Tulsa Zoological Park, Tulsa, Oklahoma
SALTM LFG of SF for some F2F fun. NSA.
Single and Loving It Male Looking for a Group of Single Females for some Face to Face fun. No Strings Attached.