Shmucks of the Week: The threesome from hell
I have very few rules in life. Don't eat ice cream right before bed, unless you want heartburn. Don't watch Jimmy Fallon right before bed, unless you want heartburn. And never, ever, under any circumstances, get high and drunk on a Monday night and have a threesome with another dude and a chick from Niwot named Serena -- especially if Serena looks like the type of girl a Springer Show producer would stop on the street, and especially if Serena's six-month-old is sleeping nearby.
It's a rule I've managed never to break over the years, unlike that damn Fallon rule. But, as the Post and every other outlet reported this week, two local men recently showed they just didn't have the restraint. As you can imagine, it didn't end well.
It all went down early Tuesday morning, after a night of drinking undisclosed amounts of alcohol and doing undisclosed sorts of drugs. I'm guessing bucket-loads of whiskey and cocaine, but it could have been troughs full of Miller High Life and meth. They're trivial details, really. What matters is that at some point in the night, Mrs. Brooks decided it would be a good idea to allow two men named Ruffin (her husband) and Clint (not her husband) to have sex with her.
Now most guys -- and certainly every guy named Clint -- aspires to have a threesome in his life, or at least wouldn't turn one down. But this, friends, was what us straight folk call "not the cool kind" -- a threesome of the two-guy-one-girl variety that has very little upside. And at some point in the rendezvous, something clearly went awry. Parts touched. Eyes locked. Swords crossed. Something went down, and either Clint or Ruffin -- probably both of them, and probably right around the time the drugs wore off -- decided their manhood had been threatened. They started fighting, rolling around the floor. Presumably naked. More parts-touching. More eye-locking. More manhood perceived lost.
Now at this point, you have to figure they were on the verge of waking the baby. And while Serena Brooks will tolerate two half-cocked men sharing her on a Monday night, she will not -- will not! -- allow those men to wake her sleeping child!
So she stabbed them. Because, you know, everyone knows the way to break up a fight between two guys who were just moments earlier rochambeauing for the honor of first insertion is not to sit naked on the bed, softly calling them back to your bosom. No, that would never work. Everyone knows you have to stab them each in the back.
So this is what she did. And it worked! They stopped fighting. And this, it seems, led directly to what had be the most awkward car ride in the history of awkward car rides, as Clint Cadigan, 27, and Ruffin Griffin, 28, drove together to Boulder Community Hospital.
"Dude, that bitch is crazy!"
"I know, right? One minute you're getting your flute cleaned, and the next minute you've got a steak knife in your spine!"
"Seriously! Hey, you think I should take the highway or surface streets?"
Upon arriving at the hospital, their wounds were treated and were not considered life-threatening. But according to authorities, doctors were not able to revive their dignity.
And so, it is with perhaps the least reservation in the history of Shmuckdom that I pronounce Serena Brooks, Ruffin Griffin, Clint Cadigan -- participants in the Threesome from Hell -- this week's Shmucks of the Week award. Here's hoping at least someone got off before the knives came out.
For more shmucks, see the Shmuck of the Week archives.