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Penis-size map: Coloradans' units may be small -- but not compared to the Chinese!

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Penis size matters -- at least judging by the amount of time we spend obsessing about it. Which is why we were thrilled to check out the Penis Size Worldwide Map on view below. Or at least we were until we found out how the United States stacked up -- especially in light of a survey showing that Colorado doesn't measure up very well compared to our fellow states.

Last year, the evil bastards at Condomania released a report intended to determine the states whose dudes had the biggest shlongs. And Colorado came in 40th!

Seriously. States a lot smaller than ours -- even Rhode Island! -- were far higher on the dick-size roster than we were. And while it's nice to know we outdistanced Utah and Wyoming, well, it certainly made talking to guys from size-leader New Hampshire more than a little awkward.

There's no redemption globally, either. The average U.S. dick is listed at 5.1 inches, or 12.9 centimeters -- that bigger digit is a real argument in favor of the metric system, isn't it? Unfortunately, that puts us in the second-lowest of five divisions, a helluva long way shy of Congo (7.1 inches, 17.93 centimeters), as well as Sudan (6.4 inches, 16.47 centimeters), Mexico (6.2 inches, 15.1 centimeters), Ukraine (5.5 inches, 13.97 centimeters) and, well, most of the rest of the globe.

Thank goodness for China (4.3 inches, 10.89 centimeters). We'll be traveling there to take a public shower very soon.

Get the bad news yourself here. To enlarge the map, just poke at it -- just like you do with a penis! Except this time, use your cursor.

Bad news, right? But the cartographers put it into perspective. The map viewer contains the following message: "Think we invest 5 times more in research on penis enlargement and breast size increase than in Alzheimer's. This means that we will all be gorgeous, but we won't remember what we used it for."

That's the long and the short of it.

More from our News archive: "King Tut's penis: It's missing from him, and the new DAM exhibit."


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15 comments
Dean Katanovich
Dean Katanovich

Based on all the investments made in penis enlargement products, I assume Americans will soon catch up with Sudan and Congo : )

Harusami
Harusami

Maybe if Americans can stop obsessing on the size of their dicks and tits, and focus on enhancing the the size of their hearts and largeness of their compassion, we can have a world worth saving.

TVo
TVo

I find it hard to believe that we were outranked by Mexico.

Matt in Boulder
Matt in Boulder

This map is about as useful as a random number generator. Take a look at the variety of sources they used for the data. Some data was self reported, some was measured. Some came from guys seeking penis enlargements, some came from random samples.

This "news" article should be placed in the "web site traffic generator" section because it ain't news but it might drive traffic to the site...

Jeff
Jeff

The larger varieties appear to be close to the equator, except for those poor souls in the Phillipines...What happened to the gray countries?

The big kahuna
The big kahuna

By the looks of the map, we should probably allow some more people from below the border to bump up our average.

Dan Pope
Dan Pope

Looks like the evil bastards at Condomania must have hired the Schapiro Group to write this report!

D.T. Pennington
D.T. Pennington

It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean.

Which still sucks. You know, being in a landlocked state.

Michael Roberts
Michael Roberts

For your mouth to God's ear, Harusami. Thanks for the post.

The big kahuna
The big kahuna

The illegal immigration debate has finally been explained; it's just penis envy.

Asdf
Asdf

You can't cross the ocean in a dingy.

Michael Roberts
Michael Roberts

Hilarious take, D.T. -- and one deserving of being a future Comment of the Day. Congrats.

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