Gary Faulkner: Five new missions for the Osama bin Laden hunter

Gary Faulkner

The death of Osama bin Laden at the hands of an elite American strike team sure put a crimp in the travel plans of Gary Faulkner, the Greeley man detained on the Pakistan-Afghan border last June. Armed with sword and pistol, Faulkner told authorities he'd been hunting the terrorist leader for some time and was confident he'd nail him sooner or later.

The Navy SEALs may have beat him to the prize, but that's no reason for Faulkner to get discouraged. There are plenty of targets out there in need of the attention of a semi-amateur merc. Here are five of them.

1. Objective: Muammar Qaddafi, AKA Moamar Gaddafi, Muamar Kaddafi, Mummer El Kazzafi, Momo O'Daffy

Briefing: NATO air strikes and diplomatic scoldings have failed to take down the Libyan tyrant and his many aliases, but one man can succeed where nations can't. Mission requires infiltration of compound, stealth capture and live delivery of package for interrogation and waterboarding, so that global media can finally determine how to spell his name.

Directive: Proceed with extreme caution, but know that America's copy editors owe you an everlasting debt of gratitude.

2. Objective: Col. Walter E. Kurz, aka "The Fat Man"

Briefing: Despite a CIA-generated cover story of Kurz's demise, inserted in multiple variant endings of the 1979 quasi-documentary film Apocalypse Now, latest intel reports indicate that the renegade Special Forces colonel is still alive and engaging in "unsound methods" as he pursues his private retribution against insurgents in a remote corner of Cambodia. Mission requires making sense of muttered Kurz lines and murky, mind-bending symbolism of his operation (influences: Conrad, T.S. Eliot, peyote) while saving a generation of filmmakers from heading down the same rabbit hole.

Directive: Terminate. With extreme prejudice.

3. Objective: Denver Broncos' missing defensive line.

Briefing: The line has been missing in action for several seasons. Latest recon operations, including top-level decisions made on Draft Day, seem designed to perpetuate the line's fugitive status. Possible long-range conspiracy at work, but several key figures in disappearance, including suspect "Hoodie" McDaniels, appear to have gone underground.

Directive: Bring home at least one decent DT, so the boys can win a couple of games.

4. Objective: D. B. Cooper

Briefing: The legendary skyjacker won't be easy to find, but as a significant precursor of aviation terrorism, he needs to be tracked and neutralized. Could be holed up in Lost Dutchman mine, Judge Crater's nursing home or Denver's Civic Center Park, but also bears striking resemblance to several candidates running for Carla Madison's city council seat.

Directive: Don't be confused by multiple disguises. You can only hide wrinkles so many ways.

5. Objective: Donald Trump's lost dignity

Briefing: Pieces of the short-fingered vulgarian's dignity have gone missing since the early 1980s raids by commandos from Spy magazine, but the process has accelerated as his head covering has gone from mop top to shellacked comb-over helmet and his notoriety has grown among birthers and TV addicts. Suggest ransacking subject to see if any traces of missing material remain before embarking on search elsewhere.

Directive: Subject is erratic. Do not attempt to negotiate. High voltage required on initial contact.

More from our Follow That Story archive: "Gary Faulkner, on David Letterman show, says he and Osama bin Laden are 'two heavyweights.'"