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Gary Faulkner: Five new missions for the Osama bin Laden hunter

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Gary Faulkner
The death of Osama bin Laden at the hands of an elite American strike team sure put a crimp in the travel plans of Gary Faulkner, the Greeley man detained on the Pakistan-Afghan border last June. Armed with sword and pistol, Faulkner told authorities he'd been hunting the terrorist leader for some time and was confident he'd nail him sooner or later.

The Navy SEALs may have beat him to the prize, but that's no reason for Faulkner to get discouraged. There are plenty of targets out there in need of the attention of a semi-amateur merc. Here are five of them.

1. Objective: Muammar Qaddafi, AKA Moamar Gaddafi, Muamar Kaddafi, Mummer El Kazzafi, Momo O'Daffy

Briefing: NATO air strikes and diplomatic scoldings have failed to take down the Libyan tyrant and his many aliases, but one man can succeed where nations can't. Mission requires infiltration of compound, stealth capture and live delivery of package for interrogation and waterboarding, so that global media can finally determine how to spell his name.

Directive: Proceed with extreme caution, but know that America's copy editors owe you an everlasting debt of gratitude.

2. Objective: Col. Walter E. Kurz, aka "The Fat Man"

Briefing: Despite a CIA-generated cover story of Kurz's demise, inserted in multiple variant endings of the 1979 quasi-documentary film Apocalypse Now, latest intel reports indicate that the renegade Special Forces colonel is still alive and engaging in "unsound methods" as he pursues his private retribution against insurgents in a remote corner of Cambodia. Mission requires making sense of muttered Kurz lines and murky, mind-bending symbolism of his operation (influences: Conrad, T.S. Eliot, peyote) while saving a generation of filmmakers from heading down the same rabbit hole.

Directive: Terminate. With extreme prejudice.

3. Objective: Denver Broncos' missing defensive line.

Briefing: The line has been missing in action for several seasons. Latest recon operations, including top-level decisions made on Draft Day, seem designed to perpetuate the line's fugitive status. Possible long-range conspiracy at work, but several key figures in disappearance, including suspect "Hoodie" McDaniels, appear to have gone underground.

Directive: Bring home at least one decent DT, so the boys can win a couple of games.

4. Objective: D. B. Cooper

Briefing: The legendary skyjacker won't be easy to find, but as a significant precursor of aviation terrorism, he needs to be tracked and neutralized. Could be holed up in Lost Dutchman mine, Judge Crater's nursing home or Denver's Civic Center Park, but also bears striking resemblance to several candidates running for Carla Madison's city council seat.

Directive: Don't be confused by multiple disguises. You can only hide wrinkles so many ways.

5. Objective: Donald Trump's lost dignity

Briefing: Pieces of the short-fingered vulgarian's dignity have gone missing since the early 1980s raids by commandos from Spy magazine, but the process has accelerated as his head covering has gone from mop top to shellacked comb-over helmet and his notoriety has grown among birthers and TV addicts. Suggest ransacking subject to see if any traces of missing material remain before embarking on search elsewhere.

Directive: Subject is erratic. Do not attempt to negotiate. High voltage required on initial contact.

More from our Follow That Story archive: "Gary Faulkner, on David Letterman show, says he and Osama bin Laden are 'two heavyweights.'"


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4 comments
Yawn
Yawn

We are family tree stalkers--genealogists--and what a surprise when Gary was found to be a "leaf" on the tree. Denver Post reports he was about 250 miles away. He surely kept the intrigue going. Hey, at least he was more attuned than the Pakistan government who had their version of West Point next door. So Gary is not bad in his hunting skills comapratively speaking. The US is still going to send a few billion to Pakistan foreign aid. Gary never sought the reward cash. your Mexican descent kinfolk say you are okay dude.

Satish Chandra
Satish Chandra

According to the American announcement, Osama bin Laden was not killed DURING the firefight but executed with a shot in the head AFTER he had been taken into custody. Like CIA kingpin K. Subrahmanyam's fake death, his death -- in preparation for a withdrawal from Afghanistan -- is a consequence of India having prepositioned five to six nuclear weapons in various cities/countries for the nuclear destruction of New Delhi and then the coast-to-coast destruction of the United states (see below) and may be similarly fake.

I am India's expert in strategic defence and the father of India's strategic program, including the Integrated Guided Missile Development Program and in my blog titled 'Nuclear Supremacy For India Over U.S.', which can be found by a Yahoo search with the title, I have shown that all terrorism and insurgencies in the Indian subcontinent and in much of the rest of the world are sponsored by the C.I.A. Both Pakistan's ISI and India's RAW function as branches of the C.I.A. and participate in terrorism and insurgencies throughout the Subcontinent, under direction of the C.I.A. The goal of the U.S. invasion and occupation of Afghanistan and partial occupation of Pakistan is eventual occupation and overt colonial rule over the Subcontinent as a whole; India is already under covert CIA rule. To end this, India has said that five to six nuclear bombs have been prepositioned in various cities/countries such as New Delhi, Washington and New York -- see my blog -- for the nuclear destruction of New Delhi and then the coast-to-coast destruction of the United States. Satish Chandra

Indian media people have been covering the white man's wedding as if he is India's prince. How many stories have you carried about India's sovereign (see my blog above) who is also the most intelligent, most handsome man on Earth whose toe-nail clippings are worth more to India and the world than the rest of the billion-plus Indians combined? RAW has been putting out a breathless story on the white man's wedding, in the Times of India, NDTV, etc., about every five minutes just as it promotes the AIDS woman and her gang-rapist son. It is all part of maintaining white rule over India (see 'What You Should Know About RAW' in my blog above).

India's emperor, Bahadur Shah Zafar, was kept in exile while the British ruled India just as India's sovereign is being kept in exile while the CIA rules India. Tens of millions of Indians killed by the British in just the ten years after 1857 -- depopulating entire regions so there weren't any men left to till the land -- and many more right up to 1947 is how you generate love and admiration for conquerors -- Americans doing the same in Iraq, Afghanistan, etc. call it 'pacification' -- loved and admired by one Swapan Dasgupta who wrote a column admiring me as "Quick Gun Murugan" about twenty years ago at which he was recruited by CIA-RAW. India will depopulate enemies -- to hell with love and admiration -- with nuclear bombs.

Satish Chandra

Michael Roberts
Michael Roberts

Thanks for weighing in, Yawn. We're going to make your post an upcoming Comment of the Day. Congrats.

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