Medical marijuana critic vs. U.S. Customs: William Breathes's Jamaica travel diary, Part 1

baddog.jpg
Bad dog!
As it turns out, German shepherds have a pretty fucking good sense of smell.

I learned this after a quick flight from my honeymoon in Jamaica last week to the lovely Miami International Airport. Miami isn't really known for their tolerant stance on drugs, as Jose Duran at our sister paper, The Miami New Times, recently pointed out. So I shouldn't have been surprised when I stepped off a plane from one of the world's known cannabis hot spots and was greeted by Fido and three dudes wearing blue fatigues and combat boots.

"Oh, hello poochy," isn't the most natural reaction to have, but it's all I could squeak out. As much as I had prepared for this moment in my head, you never really believe shit like this will happen to you even when it's actually happening.

"Sir, could you please put your bags over there."

"Sure thing," I said, dropping my bags by the wall. "How old is the dog?" I asked for some reason I still can't fathom.

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Jamaican Sensi
The handler looked at me with absolutely no sense of humor in his eyes, then directed me to empty my pockets. Finding nothing there but my phone and wallet, he pointed the dog to sniff around my bags. Tail wagging and sniffing everything, the little bastard immediately indicated that my bags smelled -- and the bag he hit on first is the same one I take to Red Rocks every summer. Smiling, the guard gave the dog a treat before looking at me for a few uncomfortable seconds and asking: "Were you smoking marijuana in Jamaica?"

It took everything in me not to laugh. "Yes, I was," I said, needlessly adding that it was my honeymoon. I looked over at my wife, who was surprisingly calm, as if she half-expected this as well.

The cop then took our passports and wrote a huge "K-9" on both of our entrance paperwork. I expected them to search my wife and I right there or take us to some private room. But instead, both of us walked all the way to customs.

Even though I knew I was clean, every step was still heavy. I spent the last hour of the last night of my honeymoon not in bed with my wife, but picking over every piece of clothing and baggage I owned. Somehow over the course of eleven days, the seeds, stems and leaves I had been discarding after rolling joints had become lodged in everything I owned. When finished, I had found two tiny buds and a handful of stems, seeds and leaves -- nothing to a pot smoker, but likely enough to get me screwed coming back into the country. Satisfied that my cleaning job would be enough to de-scent myself, I puffed a joint by the water and went to bed.

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Cheap Flights to Colombo
Cheap Flights to Colombo

you are still young.free.. do yourself a favor.before it's too late, without thinking too much about it first, pack a pillow and a blanket and see as much of the world as you can.you will not regret it.one day it will be too late.

Cheap Flights to Colombo
Cheap Flights to Colombo

you are still young.free.. do yourself a favor.before it's too late, without thinking too much about it first, pack a pillow and a blanket and see as much of the world as you can.you will not regret it.one day it will be too late.

Cheap Flights to Colombo
Cheap Flights to Colombo

As I say, I have never in all these years thought of the matter in quite this way; but then it is perhaps in the nature of coming away on a trip such as this that one is prompted towards such surprising new perspectives on topics one imagined one had long ago thought throughly.

Cheap Flights to Colombo
Cheap Flights to Colombo

Every town you go to, they tell you what's special about their town. What they're number one at... This guy comes up and says, 'D'you know that we're the home of the world's largest frying pan?''...Really! That is great 'cause I'm writin' a new book called Things I Don't Care About.

Mary Jane
Mary Jane

They probably smelled the nanograms in your blood! Lord knows what your nanograms were after a two week honeymoon in Jamaica!!!

Thank you, Mr. Breathes. First, you've given blood for the cause of cannabis patients to be able to drive without discrimination. Now, you've taken another hit for the cause of allowing cannabis patients to walk freely through an airport. Sorry for the rude awakening from your honeymoon, but we're glad you're back safely in Colorado. Congrats!

FiveSenses
FiveSenses

Maybe next time you shouldn't shower for a week and bring the salad of onions and bad lettuce onto the plane with you. Then you'd be the guy who sits next to me.

The TSA would do us all a huge favor by making everyone light up before getting on the plane. That sweet smell beats the shit out of wet dumpster and bad lettuce, which is what most of my co-passengers are smelling like these days.

Michael Roberts
Michael Roberts

Hilarious post, FiveSenses.

wtf?
wtf?

We frequently vacation in Jamaica and have had the dog great everyone as they are in the gangway from plane to gate after arriving in Miami. Never seen anything like that in several trips routed through Dallas or Memphis. Looking forward to the rest of your report and reading what you thought of the ganja and the guys that sell it. We laugh when people think we travel from CO to Jamaica for the smoke.

Jay
Jay

Pre 9/11, I took a sunday to sunday cruise, and Jamaica was Saturday. I brought about an ounce in my shoes, and spent the 8 hour layover at Miami walking the parking garages, smoking joints.

The best stuff I've ever smoked was during that trip. Our entire floor smelled, even though we toweled the door.

Thanks for the trip report.

Jay

Robert
Robert

We must stop employing thugs like these -- cannabis is no threat to our nation, our people, or our borders.

Two tiny buds is not nothing for some people who use and need cannabis. I'm glad that some people have a superabundance, but for the slightly more parsimonious, having cannabis become lodged in everything they own is not so great a problem.

William Breathes
William Breathes

I'm putting "parsimonious" on my list of words to try and use in a day to day conversation this month. Thanks for commenting, Rob.

Hatemail
Hatemail

Nice write-up, Mr Breathes! Reminds me of being pulled over in butt-fuck, TX when I was a teen and nearly being cavity searched until the cops realized the dog was alerted to a SEED under my seat. In the part of TX I grew up in there is a huge meth problem, so cops even get a chubby to search your shoes during routine stops.

Those awesome, adorable dogs are being used for evil I tells ya!

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