Tim Tebow: Ten things non-sports fans should know about The Chosen One

By Melanie Asmar Thu., Jan. 12 2012 at 1:24 PM

Meet Tim Tebow.

Tim Tebow is big news. In fact, he's such big news that it's no longer acceptable for non-sports fans to not know who he is. Don't worry: Westword has your back. For all of you who think NFL stands for National Forensic League and spend your Sundays and Monday evenings crocheting or tossing cabers or engaging in whatever other weird hobbies you have (crocheting cabers?), we present Ten Things Non-Sports Fans Should Know about Tim Tebow.

10. Tim Tebow is a quarterback for the Denver Broncos.
Let's start with the basics: The Denver Broncos are a football team. And pop culture tells us that the quarterback is always the sexiest player on any football team. See: James Van Der Beek in Varsity Blues. The quarterback is also important when it comes to actual football-ing; something about calling plays or whatever. But mostly, the quarterback is the sexy guy that gets to date the head cheerleader. See: The first season of Glee.

9. Tim Tebow is even sexier than James Van Der Beek.
That's how you can tell he's a quarterback. See: His Jockey photo, which caused one woman to have "multiple, small orgasms," and his Jockey commercial, which is shot in a dark locker room from waaaaay too far away but still manages to be hunk-a-licious.

Denver Broncos

8. Tim Tebow is not a particularly good quarterback.
He's best known for one thing: making incredible comebacks to win un-winnable games at the last minute. See: Last Sunday's victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers, a game Denver was supposed to lose. Still confused? Check out this list of Tebow-like business ideas from Westword scribe Alan Prendergast. As it makes clear, Tim Tebow playing football is akin to learning nothing in the first nine weeks of a ten-week language course and then suddenly being gifted with the ability to "speak in tongues" during the last class.

7. That "speaking in tongues" thing is a religious joke.
That's because Tim Tebow loves Jesus. Like, a lot. So much so that it's inspired conspiracy theories as to who might really be behind his football glory. The son of missionaries, Tim Tebow has never been shy about repping his Christianity. Once, during a break from football-ing, Tim Tebow gave circumcisions to poor kids in the Philippines.

6. Tim Tebow likes Jesus so much, he prays on the field.
This is also known as Tebowing. According to something called the Global Language Monitor, the roots of the word -- and the ensuing phenomenon -- can be traced back to October 23, 2011, when Tim Tebow took a knee "and was photographed in a moment of prayerful reflection" during a celebration of the Broncos' victory over the Miami Dolphins. (For more on the Dolphins, see: Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.) Nowadays, everyone and their mother does the Tebowing. Or Tebows? Whatever. You get it.

Page down for our top five.

Tags:

Denver Broncos, Tim Tebow

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Youknowit

Dan Caplis ought to be his assistant.

newman8520

Youknowit: Assistant? Heck, Danny could be the Grand Overlord of MumboJumbo.

When he’s not busy questioning if a Colorado earthquake istied to the treatment of poor, persecuted Timmy, he’s talking about a game day ‘halo’,which was a smoke ring on a calm day, very likely coming from a nearby power plant. And verily he says unto us, that beams of lightfrom a picture into the sun might be more than just basic optics. (By the way, it is hard to tell, but if thathappens to be Dan on the left side in the ‘rays of light’ pic with Tebow that hetouted a half dozen times on his show, he’s got another screw loose.)

It is such a classic and pathetic form of Selection Bias masqueradingas religiosity, that even Caplis should be ashamed. If only he had any shame.

All this, and Dan still finds time to tout himself as theguy who looks honestly at public servants and even their spouses and theirintentions when travelling and taking plane rides. How ironic.

Because this is also the week that the infamous JackAbramoff was a phone guest on his show. Acting in the gutless wonder role, Caplis, who knows full well aboutformer congressman and current state school board chairman Bob Shaffer’s MarianaIslands ‘fact finding’, resort hopping, and sail surfing trip that was essentiallysponsored by Abramoff. Did thattruthseeker Dan ask if Bob Schaffer was part what Abramoff called the corrupting,arrogant environment where Abramoff tried to control legislation (including Marianatextile manufacturing and immigration laws) by inappropriate travel, meals, and gifts, especially to housemembers? Of course not.

Facts, logic, and tough questions on the Caplis show? What a joke. Hocus pocus? Plenty of that. Jmo.

LONG LOST NOSTRADAMUS TEXT PREDICTS THAT TIM TEBOW WILL WIN A SUPER BOWL !!!!!!!!!

Nostradamus predicted a Tim Tebow Super Bowl Victory! Long lost text of Nostradamus has recently been unearthed. Lo and behold, a few of them seem to be referring to Tim Tebow. Take a lookat these two quatrains which Nostradamus wrote in Old French sometime in the mid-1500s:

The Prophecies; 11.1 412Le cheval jeune, le vieux surmontera, Et les onze contens seront unis ensemble,En caige de fer le grande fera treisner, Entree l’coupole du palais, sera prins l’or.

TRANSLATION:LINE 1: HE YOUNG HORSE SHALL OVERCOME THE OLDER, LINE 2: AND ELEVEN PARTICIPANTS WILL UNITE TOGETHER, LINE 3: IN ARMOR OF STEEL THEY WILL MAKE THE GREATASSAULT, LINE 4: ENTERING THE DOME, THEY WILL SEIZE THE GOLD.

INTERPRETATION:LINE 1: Tebow plays for the Denver Broncos. Theolder may refer to John ElwayLINE 2: There are 11 players on each side of thefootball fieldLINE 3: Football helmets and pads are often called“armor”LINE 4: Both this year’s and next year’s Super Bowl is played in a dome!

The Prophecies; 11.1 417Un leader de lumière apprendre son fort,la levée des hommes dans sa fraternité Qui onc ne feut si gentillesse,Sceptiques durance les tiendra 'agenouillent comme lui.

TRANSLATION:LINE 1: A LEADER OF LIGHT WILL LEARN OF HIS STRENGTH,LINE 2: LIFTING THE MEN IN HIS BROTHERHOOD,LINE 3: NEVER WAS THERE ONE FILLED WITH SUCHKINDNESS,LINE 4: DOUBTERS THAT FOR LONG THEY SHALLKNEEL LIKE HIM.

INTERPRETATION:LINE 1: Tim Tebow is often referred to as a leaderLINE 2: Many in his team call Tebow inspirationalLINE 3: Tebow is considered one of the kindest people on EarthLINE 4: He has many doubters, and people everywhere are “Tebowing”

Harusami Is

Oh super! When the Broncos lose the Super Bowl maybe all these Apocalypse idiots will STFU.

Carolyn Tiburzi

He is made of the stuff that make great movies. An excellent athlete, role model, focused, caring, humble, proud, well-grounded, clear-thinking, young man. I just love this guy.