Tim Tebow: Ten things non-sports fans should know about The Chosen One
Tim Tebow is big news. In fact, he's such big news that it's no longer acceptable for non-sports fans to not know who he is. Don't worry: Westword has your back. For all of you who think NFL stands for National Forensic League and spend your Sundays and Monday evenings crocheting or tossing cabers or engaging in whatever other weird hobbies you have (crocheting cabers?), we present Ten Things Non-Sports Fans Should Know about Tim Tebow.
Meet Tim Tebow.
10. Tim Tebow is a quarterback for the Denver Broncos.
Let's start with the basics: The Denver Broncos are a football team. And pop culture tells us that the quarterback is always the sexiest player on any football team. See: James Van Der Beek in Varsity Blues. The quarterback is also important when it comes to actual football-ing; something about calling plays or whatever. But mostly, the quarterback is the sexy guy that gets to date the head cheerleader. See: The first season of Glee.
9. Tim Tebow is even sexier than James Van Der Beek.
That's how you can tell he's a quarterback. See: His Jockey photo, which caused one woman to have "multiple, small orgasms," and his Jockey commercial, which is shot in a dark locker room from waaaaay too far away but still manages to be hunk-a-licious.
8. Tim Tebow is not a particularly good quarterback.
He's best known for one thing: making incredible comebacks to win un-winnable games at the last minute. See: Last Sunday's victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers, a game Denver was supposed to lose. Still confused? Check out this list of Tebow-like business ideas from Westword scribe Alan Prendergast. As it makes clear, Tim Tebow playing football is akin to learning nothing in the first nine weeks of a ten-week language course and then suddenly being gifted with the ability to "speak in tongues" during the last class.
7. That "speaking in tongues" thing is a religious joke.
That's because Tim Tebow loves Jesus. Like, a lot. So much so that it's inspired conspiracy theories as to who might really be behind his football glory. The son of missionaries, Tim Tebow has never been shy about repping his Christianity. Once, during a break from football-ing, Tim Tebow gave circumcisions to poor kids in the Philippines.
6. Tim Tebow likes Jesus so much, he prays on the field.
This is also known as Tebowing. According to something called the Global Language Monitor, the roots of the word -- and the ensuing phenomenon -- can be traced back to October 23, 2011, when Tim Tebow took a knee "and was photographed in a moment of prayerful reflection" during a celebration of the Broncos' victory over the Miami Dolphins. (For more on the Dolphins, see: Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.) Nowadays, everyone and their mother does the Tebowing. Or Tebows? Whatever. You get it.
Page down for our top five.