Five things I already miss about election year 2012
Now that most of the dust has settled from November's election, President Barack Obama is finally dropping the presidential hammer -- "I got yer fiscal cliff right 'ere, mother*ckers!" -- and Mitt Romney has retired from politics into the private sector, working as a busboy at the Salt Lake City Marriott or something. But the election has left us all with points to ponder and warm, fuzzy feelings to sustain us until the next epic throw-down in 2016. Here is a list of five things I already miss about election year 2012. Honorable mention: Vice President Joe Biden bringing back the word "malarkey."
I'm really gonna miss all the talking about vaginas -- things that should go in them like transvaginal probes, and things that should come out of them, like more babies. And of course things that should NOT go into them, like unmarried penises, anything belonging to other women, and birth-control devices.
And I'm really going to miss all the accurate medical information about vaginas, like how they shut down rape and can leap tall buildings in a single bound.
All the crazy talk about women having abortions just confused the hell outta me, because apparently ladies have other parts connected to vaginas -- a mess of wacky tubes and whatever, but thank sweet baby Jesus that I was told these mysterious "up in there" things weren't important, abortions are only for dirty whores, and as long as I find a good man to marry me and keep me honest and pure, everything about my strange, sheltered lady-parts will be right as rain, since my vagina and its attachments aren't really my business, anyway.
I learned so much about classism from the 2012 election. I learned that 47 percent of the people in the United States don't pay income taxes, are dependent on the government and are victims who refuse take personal responsibility and care for their lives.
What a bunch of codswallop! For the love of little green apples, why don't these filthy, lazy, welfare-draining, marijuana-addicted poor people just get decent jobs, pay their fair share of taxes and stop begging for change outside of every local Starbucks? Don't these scuzzy degenerates know that the hard-working, taxpaying citizens of this great nation need that spare change to tip the baristas?
Rich folks are very much put-upon in this country, expected to fork over wads of fold so that nearly half the population can drink malt liquor, eat canned tamales, smell their own armpits and watch The Daily Show. And middle-class people get all the attention. It seems like every politician who was running for office this year vowed to cut their taxes and buy them all ponies. Sure, ponies are majestic creatures and make great suburban pets, but who is going to end up feeding them and walking them? I'm going to miss learning about classism because before this election, I was under the mistaken and naïve impression that things like food, clothing, shelter and access to health care and education for everyone were what technologically and socially advanced societies held as the standard of a social covenant.
I'm seriously going to miss how interesting Facebook got during the election. There I was, checking my feed like 78 times a day so I wouldn't miss out on any adorable photos of pets in packing boxes, vid clips of whatever Daniel Tosh said the day before, photo clusters of the same jar of organic, gluten-free, all-natural, local vegan mayonnaise or heartfelt paragraphs about how Fifty Shades of Grey completely changed the face of human sexuality, when all of a sudden, the entire tone of Facebook transformed from lighthearted banter and first-world nostalgia to a sweaty, screaming, Bud Light-fueled professional wrestling brawl circa 1989.
No more out-of-focus pictures of toddlers' birthday cakes or status updates about using extra fabric softener. Instead, the entire site was Romney supporters telling Obama supporters they were flower-f*cking hippie, red commie, utopian homosexuals, and Obama supporters telling Romney supporters that they were racist, sexist gun-toting, Jesus-freaking huckle-bucks.
This shit got real-real -- it was family member against family member, friend against friend, everyone using badly photo-shopped memes as weapons, and some guy I went to high school with that I talked to maybe twice defriended me because his therapist told him that political discourse was "triggering." Election night culminated in keyboard warfare the likes of which I'd never seen before, and haven't seen since (I may have gotten hammered and told everyone on my friends list to "eat gubmint cheese and suck my big, fat exit pole") but the morning after it was back to puppies, kittens, daises, e-share groupons and vid clips of baby monkeys eating soup.
I miss Facebook having a pulse.