Five things I already miss about election year 2012
Undecided voters are among the most misunderstood voters out there, and election year 2012 was not only stressful for them, but also for me because I was white-knighting them. Registered voters who had already made up their minds on who to vote for with more than a couple of weeks to spare were flinging all sorts of disparagement and insults at undecideds, accusing them of being ignorant, lazy, stupid, detached from the American political process, and being coddled by politicians, thus causing the election discourse to be unnecessarily dumbed down to the level of a preschool classroom complete with naptimes and little boxes of milk.
That was just rude.
These undecided voters were being unfairly targeted for ridicule by folks who think they are so superior because they took the time and effort to research the candidates, their platforms and past voting records, and wanted to properly and thoroughly assess how current and future domestic and foreign policy leanings could potentially affect their lives and those of their families and friends.
Every chance I got I made sure to tell those bookish, uppity, intellectual types that undecided voters deserved the utmost respect for being involved in the political process at all, and Google-searching presidential candidates takes time away from really important things like watching people pop zits on YouTube, downloading porn and old Adam Sandler movies -- and chilling. Politics is confusing, what with all those people on cable news channels talking about what candidates wanna do rather than what they are wearing and who they are sleeping with, and it's just easier to wait until the last minute to make important decisions like who to vote for, and which diet vitamin water makes you fart less.
I was thinking to myself in late 2011, "ZOMG! I sure wish that there were more political advertisements to enhance my mental stimulation and emotional well-being!" And like a fairy-wish granted to me on a massive 'shroom trip, they appeared. There were candidate and issue ads on the television, radio, on the sides of buses and taxicabs, on T-shirts, hoodies, bumper stickers, ballpoint pens, pet toys, frozen dinners, yard signs and on the caps of my Grammy's IBS medication bottles.
And then the ball dropped on 2012, and it got really crazy.
Apparently the surfeit of political ads enhanced the well-being of everyone around me as well. I found it charming when neighbors on each side of me had opposing yard signs -- one had "Obama/Biden" and the other "Romney/Wossisface" -- and every day one sign would be defaced in some way, and the next day the other one would have a steaming pile of fresh dog crap in front of it. When Halloween came around and parents in my neighborhood were ordering their children not to trick-or-treat at houses with window signs of candidates they didn't support, I thought that was adorable. And when I had to watch hours upon hours of television ads I found them very helpful, because otherwise how would I have heard that Mitt Romney had lamps in his houses made from the skins of poor people, or that Obama wore togas and wanted to hook up vacuum cleaners to rich peoples' wallets?
I heard some people complaining that there were just too many ads, but I thought there weren't enough ads, because how else was I going to learn about President Obama's secret plan to use helicopters to drop birth-control bombs and free abortion coupons on urban centers, or Romney's secret plan to bathe in the blood of poor people under the serene light of every full moon so that he could achieve immortality? I'm going to miss all the ads, most of all because now my emotions are in check, my neighbors are back to complaining about the price of cold cereal at the supermarket, and none of the things each presidential candidate said would happen actually happened. I'm bored now. I can't wait until the 2016 election -- or early 2014, when the ads will start up again.