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Top ten Denver men you've probably dated

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Big illustrations below.
When we published our post featuring the top ten Denver women you've probably dated, we promised that Denver men would be spotlighted soon.

And the time has come. Check out our crowd-sourced, extremely scientific (okay, not really) look at the masculine animals in the Denver dating jungle, with illustrations by the incomparable Noah Van Sciver.

Have you encountered one of these creatures and lived to tell the tale? Find out below.

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Juicefera
Also known as: The Juicehead

The Juicefera wants to get big by any means necessary, including the use of human growth hormones or turning his buttocks into a target for steroid-filled hypodermics. When he's not watching his every flex and thrust in the nearest mirror, he prefers to wear clothing that would be two sizes too small even if his muscles weren't puffed up like fleshy bounce houses, and he's prone to engaging in rage at the least provocation. Moreover, he likes it when he loses control. His idea of a great date is taking a companion to the ViewHouse, then waiting around until he decides someone has looked at him sideways (whether the guy actually did or not) and going MMA-berzerker on his ass. Be prepared to spend a lot of time at police stations. Also: microscopic penis.

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Sportus Constantino
Also known as: The Sports Addict

The Sportus Constantino's idea of dressing up for a big night out is to put on a replica jersey -- the one that cost a month's rent to purchase -- and head to the Blake Street Tavern, where he'll spend the entire evening looking from screen to screen without once casting his gaze on you. He doesn't care if it's a playoff game or an exhibition match between amateur curlers. He can't look away, and neither can he resist shouting out his take on the action even if he has no idea what's going on. (Make that especially if he has no idea.) If you try to join in with the sports chatter, he'll be so thrilled he may start to hyperventilate. But at a certain point, you'll realize he's not listening to a word you're saying. He's so mesmerized by televised balling that he'll never get around to the other kind.

Continue to see more of the top ten Denver men you've probably dated.


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83 comments
knucklekandi33
knucklekandi33

My last boyfriend was a little bit of them ALL! excluding the nature one! Lol! Lucky me!

Kathryn Hobson
Kathryn Hobson

Anyone else notice that all the illustrations are of white guys? That's Colorado for ya.

Sam Shefcik
Sam Shefcik

Ok what is bad is I am a mix of 4 out of 10 of these.

Craig Maybell
Craig Maybell

New Yorker transplants. Ask Caroline Younger above.

Craig Maybell
Craig Maybell

They're all transplants from Oklahoma and Michigan.

BlondyVanWeirden
BlondyVanWeirden

So happy that I finally hit 60, lost (most of) my libido, and can readily mock and ridicule the dolts that are pursuing female company in the dreary, dismal dating scene that is Denver.

Mus Mus
Mus Mus

Huh. Ok, that's 4, I think. If you post it tomorrow as well you'll tie!

Rebecca Repp
Rebecca Repp

Yes the hipster is missing. They all wear glasses, facial hair and have dark hair. They know more than anyone else about everything. They pride themselves on knowing random bits of information then act like you are not cool for not knowing it. You've dated one of them, you've dated them all.

Lavette Clardy
Lavette Clardy

Never dated any of these, but what about "the Dreamer". The ones who dream about doing this and that but nothing ever happens.

Cassie Muldrow
Cassie Muldrow

I'm really shocked at the lack of Denver Hipster Guy. Wears shirts with kid themes and grandpa hats. Obsessed with his strange facial hair. Lives for classic punk rock and rockabilly music.

Justin Vonesh
Justin Vonesh

Still waiting for the right guy to come along

Caroline B. Younger
Caroline B. Younger

I recently moved to Denver from New York City and dated a Denver guy....and I enjoyed your list but you missed one....I call them the "New Age Asshole" :)

Craig Maybell
Craig Maybell

They're usually transplants from Cali. They don't count. They usually just stick around until they drop out of school or their trust fund runs dry and need to go back to their parents' basements where they morph into "politically conscious" LiberTARDians and/or WoW addicts (often both).

Craig Maybell
Craig Maybell

....and more often than not, the aforementioned "misses" originate from out of state. #DieYuppieScum

Mus Mus
Mus Mus

Is this the second time you've posted this? Or the third? I think you posted the one about the women five times.

Craig Maybell
Craig Maybell

...as if Cricket has stringent hiring standards, themselves.

Cara Louise
Cara Louise

Hm given you've had to refute a number of negative comments towards your own publication, going to go with, you really don't know what you're talking about. Try hiring a real graphic artist too, might help.

Andrea Jane
Andrea Jane

Or the Menver Peter pan? Ya know the one who hasn't found the one on various dating sites yet is in LoDo trying to pick up college girls?

Craig Maybell
Craig Maybell

Which is the same as any hetero female that continually makes poor decisions in life in spite of the multitude of early warning signals.

Craig Maybell
Craig Maybell

Actually, these guys should be thankful they never dated the likes of YOU.

Craig Maybell
Craig Maybell

And the award for stating the obvious in a Lamebook thread not to be taken seriously goes to....Jada Jada.

Craig Maybell
Craig Maybell

I reserve plenty of scorn particularly for the lads.

Craig Maybell
Craig Maybell

Why stop there? Isn't always Bush's fault, too?

Heather Boyle-Noland
Heather Boyle-Noland

Where is the Engi-nerd and the Trustifatian? And the hipster-yoga-wiser-than-thou-douchebag?

Zanna Duckworth
Zanna Duckworth

Nailed it, Laura. I was pretty disappointed with the Westword list.

Laura Cook Newman
Laura Cook Newman

A big misses: 1. the craft beer snob. 2. The festival junkie 3. The "probably-gay-because-he-loves-brunch-so-much" guy. 4. Perpetual training for some race/event/mud run/marathon/triathlon aging athlete. 5. The "I've climbed every 14'er and you should too" dude. 6) self-defined "foodie" who's never worked a day in their life in food service. And last but not least: 7) All of the Above. aka "The Classic DB".

GuestWho
GuestWho topcommenter

@Laura Cook Newman   rofl!

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