Top ten Denver women you've probably dated

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Big illustrations below.
It's a dating jungle out there, and in order to survive, you need to know how to identify the animals -- especially the ones likely to tear you to shreds. With that in mind, Westword consulted with dating experts to zero in on the people who've contributed to the longest, most awkward nights of your life.

Our men's list is coming soon, but today, ladies are first. Check out the top ten Denver women you've probably dated, scientifically classified (sort of) and illustrated by the renowned Noah Van Sciver.

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Stalkasaurus Ex
Also known as: The Stalker

A representative of this phylum is generally characterized by an intense desire to know what her paramour is doing, and even thinking, at any given moment, morning, noon or night. Several texts a day to check on what the object of her affection is up to? Think again: She'll send dozens, especially if a response raises concern -- something that everything from a casual misspelling to a carelessly chosen emoticon is capable of doing. But that's no surprise, since she puts every action through its psychological paces, after which she usually assumes the worst about your relationship. Ask for a beer instead of soda? She'll conclude you can't stand to be around her unless you're hammered. Kiss her on the cheek instead of the lips? She'll accuse you of not being excited by her anymore. After a while, her paranoia tends to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. That's why she's known as Stalkasaurus Ex.

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Princesserous
Also known as: The Princess

The typical member of the genus Princesserous doesn't have a drop of royal blood in her veins, but she makes up for this deficiency by treating the rest of humanity like a collection of serfs born to satisfy her every whim -- and for those who fail to do so, no form of verbal torture is deemed too extreme to use against them. When hitting the town, she becomes apoplectic not only at inadequately obsequious waiters or anyone foolish enough to think she'd open a door herself, but also at fellow diners who talk too much, chew too loudly or look at her for too long -- or, alternately, who don't look at her long enough. Be sure to stop at the ATM before squiring her in public, because she'll order the most expensive item on the menu, take two bites before declaring it inedible and then blame you for it, even if she's the one who picked out the restaurant.

Continue to see more of the top ten Denver women you've probably dated.


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106 comments
Natasa Jasarovic
Natasa Jasarovic

you forgot "the wook" but for real this article pissed me off. dont categorize anyone u know?

Daniel Hancock
Daniel Hancock

They should do a top 10 westword post that you have probably seen

KP Morgan
KP Morgan

So tired of seeing these stupid classifications. Please kill this article.

Brian Daub
Brian Daub

Familiar with all, only dated a few.

Pheenix Wonder
Pheenix Wonder

lame, this could be anywhere, and I think it sucks.

sibicazo
sibicazo

This is the men too-horrible but true!!!!


Bryan Clark
Bryan Clark

actually you have summed up the dating scene quite nicely probably why i am still single.........

Bryan Clark
Bryan Clark

yep been there, not just Denver either

what
what

At least this is funny in the sense that it implies the author ever dated any woman. 

whosdp
whosdp

--Singlemomasaurus..."We're a package deal."

--Felineasaurus..."Love me AND my cat."

--Whatdoyoudriveasaurus..."You really think I'm riding in your five year old car?"

--Fourteendollaraglasswineasaurus..."There's this great new restaurant..."

--Curvysaurus..."Does this moomoo make me look fat?"


David Kelly
David Kelly

Dealt with one person who was so involved with other people around them. They didn't even notice I had left the restaurant. I also didn't pick up my share of the dutch treat dinner date. Left the whole bill and let them walk home from the restaurant.

Wil Sumner
Wil Sumner

Westword, post this shitty article again, people might like it the 7th time

Zack Beins
Zack Beins

I can't wait for the Westword to post this unfunny misogynistic article again!

Pam Stiffler
Pam Stiffler

Yes. I do have a sense of humor...just when you point one finger, 3 more point back at you.

Pam Stiffler
Pam Stiffler

Do you really think this shit doesn't apply to men? Getting sick of your 'humor' about women...put your whiney crap in your pants...where we women seem to find it.

Jason DrSoul Lewis
Jason DrSoul Lewis

This list is missing some. But Nympho Prolifica pretty much sums up most of the chicks I meet.

Kay Dirling
Kay Dirling

This was mildly entertaining the first time it was posted, but it still doesn't have anything to do with Denver specifically. Give it a rest!

Naomi Wolinsky
Naomi Wolinsky

Your list is SO lame. It has nothing to do with Denver per se. The list of the reader you posted, was far more spot on an entertaining.

Mus Mus
Mus Mus

After 3 postings (maybe 4) this one's a little old, don't you think?

Chad Hill
Chad Hill

LOL her name is "The Clapper" and her number is 303-the-clap.

umno
umno

this mean and sexist


Heather Moss
Heather Moss

This is too funny, even though these types of people are everywhere. I can't wait for the one that rips on the men!

Addahville Bladdah
Addahville Bladdah

Reduce them to cartoons?.. No, most of them do a pretty good job of that on their own.

Addahville Bladdah
Addahville Bladdah

They forgot one.. Humorlessasaurus.. based on the comments below.

Alexis Kenyon
Alexis Kenyon

Yuck! This is a super sexist article... Where were the editors when this got published? It's not okay to lock women into demeaning stereotypes. This makes women and men feel bad. Jesus, people. Come on!

Mike Martin
Mike Martin

LOL Me neither but it just popped into my head

Eric Smiles
Eric Smiles

Now that was a memory that I didn't need to recall, lol.

Sara Huang
Sara Huang

Has anyone who puts these lists together ever lived outside of Denver? If yes, y'all hopelessly lack perception and observation skills. Sorry!

Andrea Jane
Andrea Jane

This is amazing! Ha! Can't wait for the Denver douche sequel!

Colleen Luckett
Colleen Luckett

@heather batmo etc long name - I'm a Colorado Native. I actually think the imports are the problem. ;-)

Matt Morava
Matt Morava

There's a natural animosity and mistrust between men and women, we tend to hurt each other with intention and without, but humor is a source of healing for all. We all need to come down off of our pedestals and laugh at ourselves.

4foxy.illuminati
4foxy.illuminati

@Pam Stiffler looks as if you're pissed because at least one of these stereotypes nailed you.  :-)

cblack970
cblack970

@Pam Stiffler UR JUST MAD U FIT ONE OF THE PROFILES!ITS HUMOR,AS IN A JOKE,BITCHASOREASS!HA


4foxy.illuminati
4foxy.illuminati

@Naomi Wolinsky I agree.  The list would have been funnier had it contained the "Intellectus Pretentious".  You know, the woman who tries to appear clever though the use of pseudo intellectual phrases like "per se".  :-)

4foxy.illuminati
4foxy.illuminati

@Alexis Kenyon Obviously you and your pictured girlfriend will label anything which doesn't bash men as "sexist".  :-)

iamasylum5280
iamasylum5280

@Alexis Kenyon , seriously? You are offended by this? How silly that you waste your energy getting upset about a funny article. There is plenty of funny men bashing as well. It's FUNNY. Think about the energy you put out getting upset about something like this. That can't be a very fulfilling or enjoyable life. 

McShyster
McShyster

@Eric Smiles 

 ... Vagina Dentata !

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