Top ten Denver women you've probably dated
It's a dating jungle out there, and in order to survive, you need to know how to identify the animals -- especially the ones likely to tear you to shreds. With that in mind, Westword consulted with dating experts to zero in on the people who've contributed to the longest, most awkward nights of your life.
Big illustrations below.
Our men's list is coming soon, but today, ladies are first. Check out the top ten Denver women you've probably dated, scientifically classified (sort of) and illustrated by the renowned Noah Van Sciver.
Also known as: The Stalker
A representative of this phylum is generally characterized by an intense desire to know what her paramour is doing, and even thinking, at any given moment, morning, noon or night. Several texts a day to check on what the object of her affection is up to? Think again: She'll send dozens, especially if a response raises concern -- something that everything from a casual misspelling to a carelessly chosen emoticon is capable of doing. But that's no surprise, since she puts every action through its psychological paces, after which she usually assumes the worst about your relationship. Ask for a beer instead of soda? She'll conclude you can't stand to be around her unless you're hammered. Kiss her on the cheek instead of the lips? She'll accuse you of not being excited by her anymore. After a while, her paranoia tends to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. That's why she's known as Stalkasaurus Ex.
Also known as: The Princess
The typical member of the genus Princesserous doesn't have a drop of royal blood in her veins, but she makes up for this deficiency by treating the rest of humanity like a collection of serfs born to satisfy her every whim -- and for those who fail to do so, no form of verbal torture is deemed too extreme to use against them. When hitting the town, she becomes apoplectic not only at inadequately obsequious waiters or anyone foolish enough to think she'd open a door herself, but also at fellow diners who talk too much, chew too loudly or look at her for too long -- or, alternately, who don't look at her long enough. Be sure to stop at the ATM before squiring her in public, because she'll order the most expensive item on the menu, take two bites before declaring it inedible and then blame you for it, even if she's the one who picked out the restaurant.
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