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Photos: Twenty worst people of 2013

Categories: The Latest Word

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Featuring threesome seekers, cokehead judges, hockey dads from hell and, quite naturally, Wells Fargo.

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All illustrations by Kevin Cannon
20. Ron Nielson

Ron Nielson wanted to do something extra scary for the kids on Halloween. He decided it would be totally spooky - not to mention hilarious - to burn a cross at his Palm Bay, Florida home.

Yet Nielson's uproarious "prank" -- his words -- went awry when he doused the cross with gas and accidentally set himself aflame, destroying his comedic timing. Medics airlifted him to an Orlando hospital, where he was treated for second-degree burns over half of his body, and doctors struggled to get the punch line.

The 50-year-old is expected to try something more tasteful next year, like hanging an innocent sharecropper from a light pole.

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19. Bill Wisth

Bill Wisth is 6-foot-6 and weighs 350 pounds. He also really likes fish. These salient facts made him a regular at the all-you-can-eat fish fry at Chuck's Place, a family restaurant in Thiensville, Wisconsin.

But his devotion to Chuck's turned tragic one evening last spring. Wisth had already pounded twenty pieces of deep-fried goodness, yet still hankered for more. A waitress told him they'd run out. She offered to substitute a more expensive fish, but Wisth was rightfully outraged. The restaurant advertised all-you-can-eat, and he could still eat! He left in a huff, refusing to pay his bill.

Vengeance was his when he began picketing Chuck's with a sign reading "False advertising." Wisth was soon hailed as the Nelson Mandela of Thiensville. If his fight proved in vain, Golden Corral might restrict customers to 17 helpings of cole slaw. The implications were grave.

Yet Wisth's soaring star took a downward trajectory after the media interviewed a waitress. It turns out that Chuck's owner let Wisth run a tab when he couldn't pay for his meals. Worse, on the night in question, he was caught sneaking fish to his dining companion who hadn't ordered the special, a breach of all-you-can-eat etiquette so egregious it was like hitting on your aunt at the after-party for grandma's funeral.

Wisth was exposed as a mooch and an ingrate. Thiensville soon shifted its allegiance to a more deserving hero: The guy trying to remove the traffic camera on Maple Street.

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18. Judge Michael Cook

The first sign that Michael Cook might not be suited for the St. Clair County, Illinois Circuit Court came last spring. He and fellow judge Joseph Christ were vacationing at the Cook family hunting lodge north of St. Louis when police were summoned.

They arrived to find Christ, a father of six, dead in a bathroom. It seems he failed to read the fine print on a sizeable package of cocaine, which warned that excessive use may piss off your heart, causing it to launch a work stoppage.

Having a dead judge in your bathroom tends to arouse the curiosity of the feds, who started investigating. But that didn't temper Cook's own fondness for powdered happiness. He was later arrested on heroin and gun charges after leaving the home of accused drug trafficker Sean McGilvery. (Cook had dismissed a case against McGilvery two years earlier. No word on whether this entitled him to a house discount.)

The judge resigned and was whisked to treatment in Minnesota. He's pleaded guilty in exchange for 18 months in prison.

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17. Ernesto Yañez

Ernesto Yanez was a cop in Port Isabel, Texas before resigning to pursue a more lucrative profession: burglary. But the former lawman took some unusual lumps during his rookie season.

He and an accomplice burglarized a home in Rio Hondo, Texas, scoring a fine selection of tools. But Yanez accidently left his police-issue pager at the scene. So he called the homeowner at 2 a.m., claiming he'd left the pager behind when he saw someone breaking in while patrolling the area. Fortunately, he'd cracked the case, fingering notorious tool bandit Manuel Manzanares.

There was one small problem with this diversionary tactic: Manzanares didn't appreciate being ratted out, especially since he was Yanez's accomplice. So he in turn ratted out Yanez, allowing police to solve the burglary without lifting a doughnut.
Yanez's burglary business is now for sale, though it has yet to find an interested buyer.

Continue to keep counting down the twenty worst people of 2013.


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53 comments
carlray
carlray

oh come on Obama was the worst person of 2013 lol

Sterling Meeks
Sterling Meeks

With you now as my personal verbal punching bag by continuing take the bait, Westword may want to nominate you for Denver metro's 20 most gullible social media losers.

Sterling Meeks
Sterling Meeks

Grammar Nazi FAIL. First, this is the present -- not past -- tense. Second, the past participle of "run" it actually itself. Unlike a pathetic n00b like yourself, I actually paid attention in elementary language arts class.

Sterling Meeks
Sterling Meeks

Grammar Nazi FAIL. The past participle of "run" is itself. Pathetic little n00bie.

Nicholas C. Naranjo
Nicholas C. Naranjo

With you being the King Dweeb ;) can also add WW's undercover troll or maybe you used to work for them and are a failed write or you're just a person that has no life living in mommy and daddy' basement still. Either way you're still a dweeb.

Sterling Meeks
Sterling Meeks

There isn't enough room on the list to count all of the Lamebook DWEEBS I've encountered.....and we can now add Mark J. Pasty to the list.

Kasey Learned
Kasey Learned

Wow, Florida man... Florida is a fucked up place.

Mark J. Pastika
Mark J. Pastika

Nathan Dunlap's butt buddy Jonny Pansy Chickenlooper and Mark "skip " Udall...

Jason Back
Jason Back

haha nice, I lived in Thiensville, WI for a while and Chuck's place is great

rich282
rich282

anyone who fights a goose is my pick for hero of the millennium 

BurgerBaron
BurgerBaron

Paul Walker...He was so bad at being a person he's not even doing it anymore.


Arthur Martinez
Arthur Martinez

hickenlooper.he said he would end homeless,in ten years.its worse then it ever was.i say we make him sleep outside for a week.

Dan Ruisi
Dan Ruisi

I just don't have the energy or willpower to sift through five pages. Ever heard of BuzzFeed? They don't make us click through any pages.

RustyShackleford
RustyShackleford

You know, Westword/VVM, if you're so desperate for content you're resorting to click-bait lists as filler, there's no dishonor in simply saying "we got nothin'" and calling it a day...

Loren Bagola
Loren Bagola

20 people is not so much, 20 government decisions have more of an effect on all of us, then 20 people

Loren Bagola
Loren Bagola

Should be twenty worse Decisions by the Government in 2013

DonkeyHotay
DonkeyHotay

Where's my paragraph?  I rant and rave all day long on this rag of a paper, cutting and pasting the same tired dribble, and you unjustly ignore me?  May the Fist of Regulation visit you when you least expect it!

Edgar Mora
Edgar Mora

Can a whole state be chosen? It seems Florida has plenty of candidates.

Don Finley
Don Finley

Anyone that refers to someone else as tea baggers.

fishingblues
fishingblues topcommenter

@DonkeyHotay    I agree.  I think the donkey boy should have, at least, received honorable mention.  

DonkeyHotay
DonkeyHotay topcommenter

@DonkeyHotayFake


The word is drivel, not dribble, you stump-stupid stammering jackass.



fishingblues
fishingblues topcommenter

You don't like your boyfriend's balls in your mouth Merrell?  

DonkeyHotay
DonkeyHotay topcommenter

@fishingblues ... seriously ... didn't even get a nomination for Top Wasteword Commenter ... and now I can't even get the Rotten Tomatoes prize ... WTF ??


<< crocodile tears >>



fishingblues
fishingblues topcommenter

@DonkeyHotay   Donk, if you are so concerned about proper grammar, you  should have used a comma to separate your string of adjectives, i.e., between stupid and stammering.

fishingblues
fishingblues topcommenter

@DonkeyHotay @fishingblues                           donk:  your "FAIL" shtick is fast becoming trite.  Come up with some new material or prepare to become irrelevant. 

fishingblues_mama
fishingblues_mama

@fishingblues Fishy, dear, don't let those meanies get you upset; I don't want to have to wipe off your computer chair again....

Vizzini
Vizzini

Constantly attempting (and failing miserably)  to denigrate me by suggesting I am a non-English speaking illegal further illustrates the stunning depths of your delusions. You have offered not a single shred of evidence in support of this ruse you use over and over in a miserably flawed attempt to obscure the myriad logical fallacies strewn throughout just about every post you excrete on this site. 

As for you being one seriously sick, twisted, SOB... well, your posts speak for themselves.

fishingblues
fishingblues topcommenter

@robert_grahamcracker   You have already used that one dickweed.  Try something original.  I know it is difficult when you can't speak or understand our language.  

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