Continental Divided: Our guide to the ten states of Colorado

Categories: Colorado Day

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Noah Van Sciver
Is Colorado a state of mind? This state survived last year's secession movement, when a dozen counties wanted to leave Colorado (and, in one sad case, align with Wyoming), but Colorado is still separated by differences in geography, economy and philosophy. In honor of Colorado Day -- August 1, which commemorates the day that the Centennial State became official -- in this week's issue we take you on a trip through ten very distinct states of our state, everywhere from Methopotamia to the Land of Disenchantment to JesusHChrist!dom to Coolerado.

See also:
Fifty reasons why Colorado is the best state in the country

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Noah Van Sciver
10) Coolerado
(City and County of Denver, Boulder and a few pockets in the suburbs)

At the teeming center of the region's cultural ferment, the core of its educational, financial and political institutions, lie the Grande Douchey of Denver and its laid-back ally, the People's Republic of Boulder. The tastemakers of both cities have always felt themselves psychically apart from the vulgar plebes of the provinces, ever since Jack Kerouac found beatitude in what would one day be LoDo. Alas, the recent influx of craft beers, marijuana dispensaries and raw bars have upped the hipster quotient to an insufferable degree, drawing invading hordes of buskers, foodies, fixie pixies, ravers and new urbanists. Despite the long lines queueing up at the latest "urban eatery," the cognoscenti remain unimpressed; to act otherwise would simply not be cool.

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Noah Van Sciver
9) The Automan Empire
(The rest of the Front Range)

Inhabited by a nomadic race that can transport enough soccer gear for an entire team in the roomy humps of its minivans and sports-utility vehicles, the suburban wasteland that girds Denver and stretches along the Front Range is a sprawling tribute to restlessness. When not caravaning to office park from bedroom community, from big-box store to strip mall, or generally to hell and back, locals spread mulch and talk about "trading up" to that four-bedroom, three-car-garage neo-ranch in a newer, better, covenant-controlled subdivision that's just around the corner -- or soon will be.

Keep reading for eight more states of Colorado.


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22 comments
Latifah Abdul'laah
Latifah Abdul'laah

Very funny. Breeden a long time since I enjoyed one of your posts. This was a good one. I'm a proud native of Coolerado!

sbrunningman2
sbrunningman2

Coolerado should really be Transplantopia. I love how the place loads up with out of staters and than, as soon as the first real Blizzard or forest fire gets going, so do they. Had one neighbor a few years ago who went ape shit because it was cold in the winter- I am not making that up. Every time you talked to him, he whined about how it wasn't as sunny as "he was lead to believe". That wasn't the first or last time I saw that.

One even cami to me in amazement that I was going to go to work. The sun was shining, there was about 5" of snow, and he thought I was taking my life in my hands. That night, he asked for a ride to the grocery store.

Still, they are a definite step up from the REI crowd. Ahh, thank God for imbeciles.

ATSAH
ATSAH

Mesapotamia should say (Mesa County to Durango). Grand County is just south of Rocky Mountain National Park. 

groundskeeperwilly
groundskeeperwilly

Westwood doob smokers can't grasp the notion of real people.
Frackenstein you dolts need figure out what truly drives the state.. its not your green baggies. It's the stuff under the ground.

groundskeeperwilly
groundskeeperwilly

what a bunch of paranoid ass hats who wrote this article.

Seems tolerance eludes the left.

Paul Brown
Paul Brown

One of the best I've seen from Westword in a while. :) (Y)

Wit Knee
Wit Knee

Proud denizen of "Getoffmylawnland"

Jude
Jude

Pretty weird.

Jough
Jough

"Alas, the recent influx of craft beers, marijuana dispensaries and raw bars have upped the hipster quotient to an insufferable degree, drawing invading hordes of buskers, foodies, fixie pixies, ravers and new urbanists."


I can't help but laugh at the absurdity of comments like this.  These things and these people have made Denver up-scale and clean.  I would take all of these people over the street trash that would dominate the area without them.  Before craft beers and MJ, Denver was just another average medium sized city with some restaurants and some shops with nothing that actually stood out about it.  Now it's one of the most sought after cities to move to. 

Autumn Dawn Sims
Autumn Dawn Sims

Even though I live in the Ganja Gateway section of Colorado, Cheyenne Wells, Colorado to be exact. I've made many trips to Kansas and not once seen any State Troopers in the area.

Riley Nolan
Riley Nolan

Haha I'm glad westword finally took even shots at everyone. Love it!

sbrunningman2
sbrunningman2

Just a side note- Fracking has been done in Colorado for the last 50 years. Funny how it is just now a problem. Of course, since baggers like Bloomberg couldn't get their way, we have now become target #1 for every national idiot billionaire. They want to put paid on the state, I just don't think its going to happen.

Like Udall going all war on women when he is the one that pays his female employee's 80% o what he pays his male employee's, EVERYONE is starting to catch on to what a lying sack of shit everyone of the Radial Left is.

But if you need someone else impeached, go ahead, I guess.

meepsheepy
meepsheepy

@Jough Not true, the migration of hipsters and settlement of weed tourists is starting to turn the city into more of a loser Mecca than it was before (and remember, we've had a Juggalo problem for quite some time).

jwallick35
jwallick35

Too bad. Now more pretentious hipsters can flock here and leave their stain.

jwallick35
jwallick35

Surprising, since the dickheaded, snobs over at the Westword are generally nothing but a bunch of low-information hipsters.

Jough
Jough

@jwallick35 As long as they bring money with them, good.  The more money and people here, the more restaurants, events, ect come with them.  Luckily I get to enjoy those things more than people like you because I'm not some douchenozzle who hates people for no apparent reason. 

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