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We signed up for this. As sports fans, we know our passion is a losing proposition, that our beloved will betray us, that caring deeply about things beyond any measure of control will inevitably lead to feelings of profound disappointment and impotence. We know this and still we care, we continue to lie to ourselves, rationalizing away this loss and justifying this win. Fans are, if nothing else, quixotic.

And when the season ends in inevitable disappointment, the smelling salts hit us almost immediately. Our delicate towers of bullshit are torn down like statues of Saddam and we begin speaking in relative terms. "That was a pretty good year," we say. "Not too bad, all things considered," or "At least we're not the Raiders." We might be bummed out for a little while, but for the most part, we just shake our heads, shrug our shoulders and transfer the self-delusion back onto other facets of our lives.

Yet even under the accepted rules of engagement, this has been a brutal week for Colorado sports. For those of you unencumbered by the burden of fandom, here’s a quick recap of the miserable week you were completely oblivious to:

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On April 29, the day after the Denver Nuggets were sent packing from the NBA playoffs by the Los Angeles Lakers, Channel 4 morning anchor Brooke Wagner expressed satisfaction that the previous night's game had been exciting and close. And indeed, the fact that the contest hadn't turned into another ritual humiliation like the three matches that preceded it provided the only compensation Nugs' fans could glean. But it wasn't enough -- not nearly enough. Over in the NBA's much-maligned Eastern conference, the Atlanta Hawks, who ended the regular season with a below .500 record, are in a 2-2 tie with the mighty Boston Celtics. Meanwhile, your Nuggets hardly put up a fight prior to the third quarter of the elimination game when -- how novel -- they actually decided to play some defense and held the Lakers to just 15 points. In the fourth, however, Kobe Bryant's crew put up a robust 28, making the pressure shots when required. As a result, the Nuggets became the first-ever fifty-win team to be swept from the first round of the playoffs. What a proud achievement.

Now, of course, comes the blaming, and Carmelo Anthony will get his share. Not only did he get busted on a DUI charge as the playoffs approached (hence, the debonair mug shot seen here), but he chipped in with subpar performances on the court. He scored 21 in the last game -- a decent number, but hardly the superstar-level production the situation required. Hell, he was outscored by J.R. Smith, who tallied 26 in six fewer minutes.

That's not to say Melo should be dealt at this point. He's the most gifted member of the squad, and the odds the Nuggets could get equal value for him in a trade are mighty slim. Still, something major needs to be done -- and here are five suggestions about what:

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Yet again the little-dog yapping of the Minnesota Mild has gone for naught. As we discussed yesterday, the would-be Hanson Brothers of the Great White North -- Derek Boogaard, Chris Simon and Todd Fedoruk -- were itching for a fight last night. Instead, the Bruised Brothers got a big, bad dose of Irritable Goalie Syndrome, as Avs 'tender Jose Theodore executed an evening of artistry that had the lima-bean-eating masses of Minneapolis crying in their frozen beer.

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What is it with these people from Minnesota, where the once-proud Minnesota North Stars have been replaced by the dainty Minnesota Mild?

Our sister paper in Minneapolis (and we do mean sister), City Pages, posts this story suggesting that the Avs are "pussies" because the great goon squad of Derek Boogaard, Chris Simon and Todd Fedoruk has yet to, er, beat the crap out of anyone wearing a Colorado jersey.

Is it our fault the fearsome threesome can't get their perv on? Maybe if Derek Boogaard could skate better than the average four-year-old, he'd actually be able to catch one of the Avs in order to pummel him.

As it is, Mild fans seem upset that the Avs haven't been sporting enough to willfully drop the gloves with a 6-foot-7, 285-pound monster. This strikes us as a fine display of common sense, as well as a course of action recommended by nine out of ten dentists.

So far in the series, it's also been a winning strategy, which may be what's really riling up the walleye-eating hordes of the Great White North. There's also the matter of Mild fans piling on Denver Post columnist Mark Kiszla for complaining in print that the Mild were getting too chippy.

Putting aside our general distrust of the Mild, we're not about to defend Kiszla. In fact, it's borderline embarrassing to have our city represented by a sports columnist inclined to complain that a hockey team of all things is playing too rough.

Especially when there haven't been any truly decent fights yet.

If Kiszla isn't careful, he'll start sounding like the announcer in Slap Shot who gets upset when the Hanson Brothers start knocking heads. (By the way, if you haven't checked out the Hanson Brothers' real-world Web site, it's more than worth the effort.)

Kiszla's chirping aside, the closest thing the Avs have to an enforcer these days is the somewhat-less-than-scary Ian Laperriere.

Which is another reason for the Avs to keep cool in tonight's contest.

So enough of the complaining about the Avs not wanting to drop the gloves. If the Mild wants blood, they can come get it.

If they can skate that fast.

-- Andy Van De Voorde

As the Colorado Avalanche prepares for its opening-round playoff game against the Minnesota Wild Wednesday night in St. Paul, the smell of musky machismo is wafting this way from the great white north.

Specifically, the stench of promised payback is emanating from six-foot-seven-inch, 258-pound Saskatoonite Derek Boogaard, one of three confirmed tough guys on the Wild roster (the others being Todd Fedoruk and Chris Simon).

The unfriendly giant, whose violent ways were expertly detailed by City Pages editor Kevin Hoffman last year in a story that came complete with film clips seems to be calling out Avs forward Ian Laperriere.

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I'll admit to taking no small amount of pleasure from having watched Patrick Roy raise fists against Red Wings goaltenders Mike Vernon and Chris Osgood on two separate and glorious occasions. Anyone who straps on a red helmet against the Avs is easy to hate. But, given Roy's off-ice history of violence, watching his son Jonathan skate full speed into an opposing goalie to pick a fight with someone who won't even defend himself just seems sad. During a Quebec Major Junior Hockey League playoff game Saturday night, Roy, goaltender for the Quebec Remparts, threw himself into a brawl that started in front of his net between several players on his team and the Chicoutimi Sagueneens. Not satisfied to fight one player, Roy skated to center ice, broke free of a referee who tried to restrain him, and skated full speed into the opposing goaltender who didn't put up a fist in defense. Roy could face suspension over the pummeling he gave the goalie. Time will tell if league's disciplinary committee will take either "I can't tend goal like my dad so I'm gonna fight like him," or "I'm just an asshole like my father only without the kind of talent that gives athletes a free pass" as reasonable defenses for his actions.

-- Sean Cronin

The Internet, unwieldy and nebulous as it may be, still has a number of defining characteristics. You can uncover trivial facts or basic information in just a few short moments. There’s the convenience of email, the power of search engines, social-networking capabilities, maps and directions, free music, stupid videos and, of course, copious amounts of porn. And there are haters. Lots and lots of haters.

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Though it's hard to begrudge a man the chance to make $1 million solely because he was in the right place at the right time, I hereby call for the revocation of Boulder resident Jameson Sutton's right to call himself a Rockies fan. At a March 13 press conference organized by sports collectibles auction house SCP Suctions, Sutton, 24, unmasked himself as the man who caught Barry Bonds' record-setting 762nd home run ball. Sutton also unmasked himself as one of the lowest forms of human being: those who would root for Bonds to hit a home run.

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The Avalanche have been very good to us. When the team arrived from Quebec in 1996, they showed up with a pair of first ballot hall-of-famers, almost immediately traded for another, won us our first major sports championship and galvanized a latent hockey base that has since become one of the most vociferous in America. Seven years ago, during our last Stanley Cup run, the Avs were – as painful as it is to admit – the Yankees of the NHL, loading the roster with players whose busted-up faces would someday become bronze busts. And just when the team seems to be hitting a rut, with attendance down and our marquee players banged up, Avs GM Francois Giguere reaches for his magic wand, taps the brim of his stove-pipe hat, and pulls out Peter Forsberg. As an encore, he covers an empty cage with a cloak, says a couple of magic words (in French-Canadian) and presto! It’s Adam Foote.

The crowd goes wild.

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Single-game tickets for Colorado Rockies games will go on sale Febuary 16, and yes, the club will once again rely on Paciolan (now owned by Ticketmaster) for Internet purchases. Paciolan is the California company that handled last October’s World Series ticket debacle, which infuriated so many baseball fans when it couldn’t handle the online crush. (Remember the “external, malicious attack?”) Hopefully, sales will go easier this time around.

They did for the National Western Stock Show, according to Kyle Baun, ticketing manager for National Western, which wrapped up on January 27. This year, as in years past, the Rockies were contracted to handle much of the phone and online ticketing for Stock Show events. And the job went smoothly. Of course, demand for tickets to the rodeo and other events doesn’t compare to the World Series, but Braun says he has seen Stock Show tickets scalped on eBay, craigslist and on the street.

Let's call it a rebuilding year for Paciolan. -- Jonathan Shikes

If you could predict the future, would you be a sportswriter? As cool as it would be to state unequivocally during the preseason, “Eli Manning will lead his team to the Super Bowl ” or, “the Vikings and Browns will both finish just one game out of a playoff spot,” if these writers really knew how the season would shake down, they’d be living like Biff Tannen in Back to the Future II.

But that won’t stop them from trying. Each year, usually the week before the regular season kickoff, the nation’s top sporting publications release their NFL preview issues, which include playoff prognostications. While these magazine’s editors certainly hope those issues have hit the recycling bin by the time the Big Game rolls around, yours truly has compiled them into a handy list and put them up against the picks my buddies and I drunkenly forecasted on the night of Sept. 2, 2007. Here’s how we fared against three of the top sporting authorities in the country:

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Great basketball teams often take on the personality of their star players. Without a dominant big man, the Dallas Mavericks are more of a perimeter shooting team keyed by Dirk Nowitzki. Steve Nash pushes the Phoenix Suns up and down the court. Tim Duncan leads the Spurs by playing solid D and scowling at the officials until he gets favorable calls.

So with two players starting the all-star game, why do the Nuggets still feel like they lack an identity?

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The 2007-2008 CHL All-Star Game - Tuesday and Wednesday, January 15th and 16th, Broomfield Event Center, 11450 Broomfield Lane.

Like Best Actress in a straight to DVD movie, the term “Minor League All-star” might sound like a backhanded compliment. But for those who wear the jersey of the Bossier-Shreveport Mudbugs and compete in front of crowds often topping out at 4,000 spectators, passion is more important than the paycheck. Beginning today, the two-night Central Hockey League (or CHL) All-Star Game at the Broomfield Event Center offers hockey fans more than the simple pleasures of hits and sticks.

Today, following a 6 p.m. banquet honoring the All-Stars and coaches, Denver’s Most Valuable Comic Josh Blue will perform his stand-up act (tickets are $95 and include a plated dinner). Tomorrow, festivities begin with a Fan-Fest from 4:30-5:30 p.m., where players and coaches will be available for autographs and pictures, leading up to the game’s opening face-off at 7:05 p.m. (tickets are between $18-45 and include parking).

Both events will feature a special guest appearance from the greatest of all sports trophies, the Stanley Cup, and Wednesday night’s post-game party at the Tap Room at the nearby Omni Interlocken Resort will provide fans with another opportunity to meet players and coaches.

Affordable prices, access to players and stand-up comedy – That’s minor league sports at its finest.
-- Mark Schiff

Last night, college football’s bowl season came to an end when the coveted ADT National Championship trophy was awarded to the Louisiana State Tigers following their defeat of the Ohio State Buckeyes in the Allstate BCS National Championship game. The corporate names littering that last sentence go a long way in explaining why college football can’t work out a simple playoff system. Devising a series of games in which teams square off head-to-head through a succession of rounds – a “tournament,” if you will – is the easy part: figuring out how to divvy up literally hundreds of millions of dollars between NCAA conferences while appeasing corporate sponsors, who put their names on everything from the fields to the trophies - that’s where things get a little more complicated. In honor of the grand mess that was the college football postseason, here’s a quiz to test your memory of the 2007-2008 bowl games and, more importantly, your brand awareness of the various sponsors that pony up serious cash to act as their benefactors.

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Here they are.com:

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