Denver News Blog

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An outsider could never tell by looking at the peaceful streets of Denver that numerous alley battles are raging across the city. Behind the scenes, the Mile High City's typically liberal residents turn into territorial trash monsters. Even I, a sidewalk-snow-scooper-for-next-door-seniors type of neighbor who can barely squeeze out a plastic grocery bag's worth of trash per week, have been yelled at -- at gun point! -- for placing my paltry parcel of waste in the wrong dumpster in the alley behind my house.

So, naturally, when I first saw the hand-painted garage-wall sign pictured above, I was less surprised at the content than the high-quality of artistic skill! Look how evenly the letters are spaced on every line. The bold-faced brush stroke used in the words "Stop" and "Ecocycle" show the professional touch of a typesetter. The sign is direct, helpful and courteous. I was momentarily curious if the visual communication had stopped the miscreant(s) from their dirty dumping. However, I could not bring myself to lift the lid and look into the dumpster. I learned long ago to keep my nose out of other people's garbage, thank you very mulch!

Every week it seems like another $300 million must be slashed from the state budget. Even if there is no money left to pay for the 2009 state income tax refunds next year, Governor Ritter should plan to send out one "Colorado Cash" coupon for every $100 worth of state income tax owed by the state. What a helpful reminder to take advantage of all the services that our income taxes make possible!

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The city landscape is littered with beauty salons that use cute puns for names. The Mane Event, The Hair Porte and Loose Ends are all clever, but they don't quite raise the hackles like a salon called Curl Up & Die. That the salon pictured above is located in a strip mall of Middle Eastern markets and boutiques only reminds us that, in any culture, beauty is a struggle by scissors and shampoo.

"Prebles" will be jumping at the chance to lure the 2026 Winter Games to Colorado. It'll be the fiftieth anniversary of the city's historic 1976 Olympic snub, and Denver no longer feels mousey about the future!
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The study of neighbors through their lawn decoration...

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Figure 39. East Colfax: Emperor penguin on the edge

All of the exotic creatures that come to Denver eventually end up on East Colfax Avenue. So, it should be no surprise to find a penguin perched on a porch in the neighborhood named for the city's most celebrated street. Sandwiched between the bitterly cold Stapleton and utterly inhospitable Lowry neighborhoods, East Colfax is an incredibly rich environment that is teeming with life and extraordinary bio-diversity. It is a magnet for penguins and people who are drawn to a rich feeding ground of urbanity. Here they can meet their social and cultural needs on the edge of the city, free from exclusions and covenants of new urbanist ideology.

The Emperor Penguin pictured above perfectly captures the neighborhood spirit. The penguin's plywood perch on the down-sloping porch roof suggests a homeowner with a lifelong love of sledding. That the bird is frozen in a descending position indicates a preference for "going down" over "heading up." The precarious placement at the eave hints at a desire for the excitement that comes from continually living life on the edge. The plunging penguin also intimates at an offbeat solution to scare away pesky pigeons that are impervious to the plastic owls available at local garden shops.

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After staring at the above photograph for a little while, it becomes obvious that all of the monsters in this Mash Bash wear roughly the same size of clothing and have similar tastes in fashion. A surprise porch appearance by a man of similar size and taste then made it clear that a significant portion of the homeowner's wardrobe has been used to create this dazzling display. That he went to this much work to fill his yard with zombies makes me think that he will spend a significant amount of time dusting the snow off of them for the big Halloween weekend. Look below for detailed photos of the Lotto Zombie and the dog-humped mailman...

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"A toast to City Councilman Rick Garcia for being chosen as a finalist to the post of Regional Director of the U. S. Department of Housing and Urban Development! And may he bring affordable housing to the nation with the same success that he did in the West Highland neighborhood!"

In response to the Balloon Boy hoax, The Cell reopens its, "Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere -- Understanding the Threat of Terrorism exhibit as...
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Upon entering the exhibit, each visitor will receive a card with the biography of someone whose life has been forever ruined by an act of hoaxsterism. A short film, narrated by Kim Christiansen and John Elway, details the insidious spread of global hoaxsterism.
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Look below to continue your cartoonagraphic tour...

University Hills ghost catcher

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On every block of every day, the constant cacophony of construction equipment sounds the death knell for the tiny tract houses of the University Hills neighborhood. Murdered by McMansions, the ghosts of the original homes wander the streets seeking residence in the remaining clapboard ranchettes. The ghost invasion is freaking frightening. Calling a ghostbuster is very expensive, so many homeowners are forced to find a suitable do-it-yourself solution. The contraption pictured above is called a ghost catcher and is hung from trees to block the major entry points to a home. The dangling ropes must be spaced no farther than six inches apart to effectively capture ghosts. Apparently, it's working really well -- just look at all the ghosts that have been snared!

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The study of neighbors through their lawn decoration...

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Figure 38. Platt Park. Passersby can talk to the trees

It is an amazing coincidence that this lumbering display sits in the neighborhood named for the Denver pioneer who's fortune was felled by logs. Vermont-educated James H. Platt served in the Civil War and was a four-term U.S. Representative from Virginia before he moved to Denver in 1887 and spent his life saving's to open the Denver Paper Mill in 1891. He borrowed another $700,000 for an expansion that was completed just as the Silver Panic of 1893 sent Colorado's economy into the tank. Platt died from mysterious circumstances while on a family fishing trip in June of 1894. While boating alone on a lake near Georgetown, he fell into the water and drowned. By 1900, eastern bondholders had foreclosed on the property and sold off all of the equipment.

As pictured in figure 38, logs in Denver now live free of the tyranny of the wood pulper and can bask in the Platt Park sun as yard art. The vertical stance and pairing of these logs indicates that this is a collaborative work created by cohabiters who believe in cooperation and communication. Filling the hollowed interiors with branches and dried long-handle dipper gourds suggests that these yard artists have familiarized themselves with the arranging of vegetable matter through their jobs in the food service and grocery industries. The matching shovel accents propose a romanticized work ethic that strongly intimates an Obama "Hope" poster is hung prominently on the living room wall.

Look below for details of the Platt Park stump lovers' pad...

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Rolls Royce sightings are extremely scarce in Denver. After the first glimpse, the eye scans the immediate surroundings for tycoons, starlets and/or a gloved butler prepping his chamois for a loving buff. Seeing an unattended Rolls is even more rare. And, when that Silver Shadow sits before an open garage door, the eye is even busier casing the space for loosely anchored luxury items. With all that furtive glancing, the feverish passerby of this Montclair home can't miss the warning sign posted above the trash barrels on the fence next to the garage. Banish the thought of some snarling guard dog. Beware of the (capitalist) pig, whose bite is always worse than its bark.

Recent news accounts from Eaton, Commerce City and Aurora, demonstrate that social behaviors and youth coaching practices are changing, and all will have a profound impact on the evolution of youth football...

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#1. For starters, the customary coin toss, used to determine which team will kick off, is being replaced with a Coach's Ultimate Fighting Match. The winning coach determines if girls will be allowed to play in the game.

Look below to the new team uniforms for girls...

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The yard pictured above clearly showcases how "American Crapitalism" has ruined the world's best holiday. Halloween is an ancient autumnal ritual of impersonating the dead and tossing bones into bonfires to placate evil spirits. It is celebrated on October 31, because that is the one day of the year when the boundary between the real world and the underworld dissolves. However, in America, the flesh-eating goblins and roaming packs of the living dead have all been replaced with animated airblown-rising vampire coffins, terra cotta jolly double-pumpkin chimineas and trick-or-treat strawberry Care Bears. If you scan this yard long enough, you'll probably even see a light-sensor-activated permaplastic bag-of-doggy-doo novelty from Hallmark that blinks on and off, wails with a recording of demoniacal laughter and opens to reveal a cache of fun-size Snickers bars.

Look below to see the gory details...

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The study of neighbors through their lawn decoration ...

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Figure 37. Ruby Hill: Mixing themes gives yard art a new slant

The Ruby Hill neighborhood is unlike any other in Denver. Ruby Hillers seem to have a different perspective on life than most other Denverites. Perhaps it has something to do with the neighborhood's location. While most of Denver looks toward the Front Range of the Rocky Mountains to get their bearings, the Ruby Hill neighborhood is built on land that tilts down to the western bank of the South Platte River. Most of the homes have great views of the eastern horizon. This is the neighborhood where Denver looks back on itself, and not surprisingly reveals a very wicked sense of humor.

The display pictured in figure 37 is a classic example of the mix-n-match method of yard artistry that showcases the neighborhood's unusual perspective. Combining a nude male and clothed child statue could be considered a big mistake, but the black plastic planter suggests that the naked guy is only hiding behind the sunflower to take a "pee in the potty." The laughing child statue further indicates that from this perspective, public exposure is indeed fun, and funny! A good sense of humor is probably what is keeping this display off of the yard-art offender registry list. Many other mirthful mix-n-match yard art mash-ups exist throughout Ruby Hill, and include the reflective grilling Madonna.

Look below for more examples of yard art boners in Ruby Hill ...

Smokin' mechanics on duty

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In today's competitive economy, small businesses must offer more services to a wider range of consumers -- and this Denver mechanic is providing customers with the best of both worlds. Storefront signage states that all makes and models of auto mechanic specialist services are offered to drivers, while "tabacco" products, glass pipes and accessories are available to smokers. Additionally, by mixing the spelling of both the English word "tobacco" and the Spanish word "tabaco," the word "tabacco" appeals to two language groups simultaneously! Old-timers are welcomed by the stated fact that the business has been around since 1980, while new customers are enticed with the fresh-start promise of a Grand Opening. The only thing missing on this storefront is a great motto, like, "We stop your car from smoking, so you don't have to."

Since Dick Wadhams was named the State Chairman of the Colorado Republicans, the party has lost control of the state Senate, the state House of Representatives, the Governorship, one U.S. Senate seat and one U.S. House of Representative seat. But Dick is not depressed. He is energized! Like General Motors, the G.O.P. is too big to die. Taking a page out of the auto-industry restructuring play book, all Dealin' Dick Wadhams has to do is declare political bankruptcy, void his commitments to social issues and market his candidates like the 2010 models in a car ad...

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Click "Continue" to read more about "Dealin' Dick Wadhams.

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Move over swine flu, the latest epidemic to hit Denver is an outbreak of ghosts. Granted, most are made of rags, have tissue for brains and dangle from the low-hanging branches of maple trees, but the photo above proves that more mischievous spirits do exist. Yes, ghosts must be real, because why else would someone take a perfectly serviceable late-model automobile and doll it up with fake ghostbusters paraphernalia?

And you can tell that this a dead serious ghostbuster. Look at that perfect parking job, with the front wheels angled toward the curb to prevent accidental rolling, as per the driver's training manual. Be prepared for an infectiously frightening Halloween this year.

Golden moments in the lives of Denver Nuggets basketball players...

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The study of neighbors through their lawn ornaments...

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Figure 36. North Denver: Welcome to the Broncomania District

There are days when it seems that every resident in the city of Denver only owns four different shirts -- one for each of the town's professional sports teams -- and they choose which shirt to wear each day by which team is currently playing a game or doing the best in their respective national standings. Fashion is, of course, for fair-weather fans. True sports fans show their pride through the installation of yard art. If winning is everything in sports, the city-wide competition for front-yard football festoonery is handily won by the residents living north of Colfax Avenue.

The yard pictured in figure 36 perfectly demonstrates the passion of the north-side Broncomaniac. Repeated visits reveal that the inflatable Broncos player and porch banner are installed every game day at exactly one hour before kickoff, and suggest that football has moved beyond entertainment for this household and into the realm of ritual. That the team receives priority placement when hung in conjunction with Halloween decorations hints that sports has become this yard artist's religion. The faded colors of the pennants hanging in the window implies that these are holy objects of veneration and they have hung in the same spot for many seasons. The permanency of the piece pales in comparison to the pole and the pebble...

Look below for more examples of North Denver landscape Broncotechture.

The study of neighbors through their lawn ornaments...

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Figure 35: Goldsmith. Crafty thrifter turns table lamps into landscaping lights

Goldsmith is a neighborhood that is easy to miss. East Evans, South Quebec, East Yale and Interstate 25 define the borders of this Southeast Denver neighborhood that is bisected by the Highline Canal and checkered with whole streets of unincorporated Arapahoe County renegades who refuse Denver annexation. Goldsmith's most distinguishing feature is that it is completely featureless. This is the suburban anyplace where American dreams seek shelter from life's uncertainties. Great pains are taken on the small comforts of a spotless driveway and a newly mowed lawn. Yard art is mostly the discount-garden-center variety with an occasional nod to Hobby Lobby. Personal flourishes stick out like a sore thumb.

The home pictured in figure 35 stuck out immediately for daring to turn tacky table lamps into Grecian landscape lighting. The placement of the table lamps intimates that they were spotted at a garage sale and immediately loved for being too ugly to have indoors, but too beautiful not to have at all. The brass assembly and wiring required in the four-piece light grouping indicate that this is the home of a retiree with little interest in boating, camping or golfing. The bronze and turquoise paint job hint at immediately available spray paint colors. That the lights are all placed at waist level suggests a yard artist who wants his skillful handling of rock and brick design to be noticed.

Just in time for the high holidays...

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​Editor's note: In this week's cover story, longtime Westword cartoonist Kenny Be strikes back at GLAAD, which recently named Kenny the "worst" of July. Pick up a copy, or click through here to see the full cartoon.

Sweet Relief: On-again, off-again mop-up ROOGY Joel Peralta takes a walk in a bridal gown by Lisa Ramfjord Elstun, while curveballer Rafael Betancourt gets more than his fair share of strikes in a Coors can crochet dress by Katie Wells.

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Pitcher Adam Eaton swings in a cocktail dress by Asha Monique, while center fielder Eric Young, Jr. hits his first career home run in an evening dress by Rachel Tai...

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Colorado Frockies manager Jim Tracy shows who's boss in a power-fringe ensemble from Team Firefox, and Matt Murton comes from way out of left field in a duct-tape and plastic-tarp gown designed by Izzy Bristow...

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Pitchers and catchers: Pitcher Jeff Francis winds up in a side-slit dress by Francis Roces and catcher Paul Phillips swings in a bridal gown by Rae Marie...

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Stitch and pitch: Happy hooker Greg Smith throws some curves in a cocktail dress by Tran Wills, while sinker-baller Greg Reynolds works the stitches of a power suit by Kotomi Yoshida....

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A baseball card collection featuring Colorado's boys of summer (dresses) sporting the fashions of Denver designers. Shortstop Chris Nelson rocks a miniskirt by Haley Mariah, while pitcher Samuel Deduno covers the mound in an apron by Margo Cory...

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