Not actually Gonzolo Martinez, but an incredible simulation.
Tonight's episode of the Discovery Channel program I (Almost) Got Away With It, airing locally at 8 p.m., has a distinctly Denver flavor.
The show tells the tale of local-boy-made-bad Gonzolo Martinez, who was sentenced to almost half a century in prison for a shooting at a party only to escape from an Arkansas Valley lock-up and escape to Mexico, where, according to Discovery PR, "he became a successful drug dealer and border kingpin." After three years on the lam, however, he was recaptured. So where will he be enjoying his few minutes of fame? Supermax in Canon City. Congrats!
"It's hilarious -- since it didn't happen to me..."
Channel 31/The Deuce sponsored a contest asking viewers to share their worst Valentine's Day ever, with the winner/loser to be rewarded with a trip to Hollywood to see the premiere of the new Valentine's Day movie. A pretty standard promotion, all told -- but who knew it would prompt a revelation that's more Jerry Springer episode than light romantic comedy.
You see, the grand prize went to a woman who discovered that her ex-husband had been secretly boinking her own mother.
But there was nothing he could do to prevent cameras outside the building -- and he and his wife were both greeted by a gaggle of press, including a TMZ.com cameraman who tried to prompt a response from the Two and a Half Men star by declaring, "Charlie, you're awesome!"
Tuesday's episode of American Idol spotlighted Denver, giving the rest of the country an opportunity to check out Haeley Vaughn, Colorado's great Idol hope, not to mention Ty Hemmerling, the shapely contestant known as Bikini Boy. But last night's compendium of the audition rounds featured some additional Denver moments -- most notably a turn by Kansas resident Jessica Furney, who cannily sang "Footprints in the Sand," co-penned by persnickety judge Simon Cowell.
But whereas CBS gave its blessing to Focus's spot, it turned thumbs-down to a commercial intended to promote Mancrunch.com, a gay dating service. ManCrunch spokeswoman Elissa Buchter insists that Mancrunch didn't create an ad the firm knew CBS would reject just to get some publicity -- a dubious assertion. Still, we wish CBS had said gone along, because it's pretty damn funny. See for yourself above.
But arguably the most memorable moment came courtesy of Ty Hemmerling, dubbed "Bikini Boy" by judge Randy Jackson because he showed up wearing a revealing two-piece -- one he got to know intimately. "I basically spent three days in that bikini," he says.
Is the media beating this whole Jersey Shore thing to death? Definitely. Are we here at Westword going to join in on beatin' up the beat? Damn right.
Being the thoughtful and responsible journalists that we are, we decided to use the "Jersey Shore Nickname Generator" to create Guido and Guidette nicknames for the main 2010 political candidates (along with a few specially tailored suggestions).
We strongly suggest everybody refer to the candidates by the following names for the duration of the campaign season. We're pretty sure it will improve proceedings immeasurably, bro.
For a while, it looked as if the most notable thing to happen at the Denver auditions for American Idol would be the death of a dog left locked in a car by an idiotic wannabe from North Dakota.
Frankly, most of the contestants seen receiving golden tickets to Hollywood during last night's Denver-based show were underwhelming -- including Mark Labriola (he offered a decent though unspectacular rendering of Squeeze's "Tempted"), Kimberly Kerbow (a merely decent rendering of Ingrid Michaelson's "The Way I Am"), Tori Kelly (her take on John Mayer's "Gravity" didn't have much of it) and Casey James (he made it mostly because he willingly took off his shirt at the urging of Kara DioGuardi and guest judge Victoria Beckham, who seemed more interested in what hopefuls looked like than how they sounded).
Notable exception: Haeley Vaughn, a sixteen-year old from Fort Collins.
This Saturday, HBO will debut Temple Grandin, a biography about a CSU professor (played by Claire Danes) whose autism has given her an uncanny connection with cattle -- which makes this not just a movie but a moooo-vie. Check out the trailer above.
A select group of Denverites will receive a sneak preview of the film tomorrow night at the Denver Museum of Nature & Science; Dr. Grandin is scheduled to attend. It's an invitation-only affair, but one that HBO is pimping anyhow. Get the lowdown below:
Gary Magness and Lee Daniels share a "Precious" moment at the Denver Film Festival.
This year's Oscar nominations are out, and Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire earned six nods, including Best Actress (Gabourey Sidibe), Best Supporting Actress (Mo'Nique), Best Editing, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Directing (Lee Daniels) and Best Picture. This last category recognizes a film's producers, and while Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry are listed as executive producers in Precious's credits, the people being rewarded for doing the heavy lifting are Daniels and two Coloradans, Sarah Siegel-Magness and Gary Magness.
Actress Halle Berry is reportedly planning to star in a film called Who Is Doris Payne?. But plenty of police officers already know the answer to that question -- including the ones who just busted her for allegedly swiping a Burberry coat from a Saks Fifth Avenue in Costa Mesa, California.
Indeed, Payne, who's 79, has a long and storied career as a scofflaw in localities across the country -- including here in Colorado, where she spent more time in stir than she did stealing expensive diamond rings.
According to an entertaining 2008 Los Angeles Times article penned by DeeDee Correll, "the beginning of the end" of Payne's criminal career took place in Denver -- although that prediction has proven a bit premature.
Yesterday, I learned something so jaw-droppingly odd that I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. Turns out there's only one degree of separation between me and James Gandolfini, of The Sopranos fame.
How? Because I dubbed his voice in the scene on view here -- an excerpt from his heretofore unknown film debut, a late '80s cult flick called Shock! Shock! Shock!
"I'm just a little bit of comic relief in times of recession," says Andrew Woods. "I'm just there to kind of ease the pain."
Making light of sexual assault and rape isn't usually the best way to get a job -- or an invitation into the family living room. But for shock cartoonist Andrew Woods, a few lewd depictions of rape scenarios and all-out sexism gave him a one-way ticket to local stardom.
After being fired for "being too offensive" from the Rocky Mountain Collegian, Colorado State University's student newspaper (where I also worked), the amateur illustrator from Westminster managed to land himself a spot on MTV's Real World XXIII: Washington D.C..
Wondering how your friends and neighbors spent their evenings last year -- the ones who close their blinds, anyway? Turns out many of them were watching a dreary, seemingly endless movie in which Brad Pitt spends a long, long time looking like an ancient, quasi-computerized Billy Barty.
As evidence, check out this New York Times web feature that allows residents of numerous major cities, including Denver, to check out the ten most rented Netflix movies of 2009 by zip code. Click on the Denver thumbnail, then move your cursor over the map, and you'll soon discover that The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is atop the overwhelming majority of metro-area lists.
Among the exceptions? 80230, which preferred Slumdog Millionaire; 80203, Westword's zip, which went for Milk; and 80239, which loved, um, Twilight. Two out of three ain't bad.
On Friday, Late Late Show laff-maker Craig Ferguson talked about his impending trip to Denver, a city that makes him poop funny. But as last night's program proved, he survived this fecal mutation -- and, as a bonus, he came away with a new plan to take over the city using an army of "little people."
Ferguson, who came here for a Tattered Cover reading, started off his Colorado commentary, on view above, by complaining about how chilly the city was in comparison with his L.A. digs, declaring, "It's like living on a cold cloud." Then he added, "If I had an army of little people, I would take them to Denver, because they'd have the advantage over normal... regular height people, tall people. Because the tall people, like, had no oxygen at all, and an army of little people could take over using their height as an advantage, sucking the oxygen from a slightly lower altitude. They would feel stronger and mightier... They would use their smallness of stature to take over the entire town."
That's Scott McInnis's campaign strategy in a nutshell.
La La Vazquez, former MTV veejay and fiance of Nuggets starter Carmelo Anthony, knows a bit about love-themed reality shows -- especially the VH1 kind that star gold-toothed-'80s-rappers-who-once-had-relations-with-the-Russian-chick-from-Rocky IV and crazy bitches who cat-fight other crazy bitches.
But is she planning to produce a reality show of her own? Word is that La La, who has appeared on VH1's Flavor of Love, I Love New York, Real Chance of Love, Charm School and For the Love of Ray J, plans to produce a show called Love and Basketball, in which she and Melo would help lonely NBA stars find love.
Craig Ferguson, host of CBS's Late Late Show, specializes in oversharing -- an approach that frequently leads to comic gold. He did so again in this past Friday's broadcast, when he mentioned that he planned to spend the weekend in Denver.
Why? It was a secret, he says in the clip above (beginning at about the two minute point). He subsequently notes, "I like Denver, because when you take off from L.A. and your plane reaches cruising altitude.. and then it lands, right there, and that's you in Denver." He adds, "It's very high up, you can't breathe at all -- and it makes me poop funny. And I don't mean comedy funny. I mean kind of like, 'What the -- what?'"
Take note, visitor's bureau. Imagine how many people would visit Denver just to see if it did something special to their shit...
Denver International Airport has given rise to oodles of conspiracy theories involving Freemasons and the New World Order -- many of them documented in Jared Jacang Maher's 2007 feature "DIA Conspiracies Take Off."
So it's only natural that Conspiracy Theory, a new TruTV show hosted by none other than former Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura, should cast its suspicious gaze in the airport's direction for an upcoming episode.
In an interview with 9News pimping the project, Ventura offered one piece of DIA evidence: a reference on a plaque to the New World Airport Commision. "That doesn't exist," Ventura declares. "You can't find it. Why wouldn't it say the Colorado Airport Commission, the Denver Airport Commission, or maybe the county? But it has the words, New World Airport Commission, right on the dedicated plaque, and there is no such thing as the New World Airport Commission."
There used to be, as Maher reported -- but why let the facts get in the way of a good conspiracy theory? Check out the 9News clip below:
The Michael Jackson documentary This Is It became the first box-office hit in recent memory for Denver gazillionaire Phil Anschutz, racking up over $72 million domestically and $252 million worldwide to date. But one of his misses is getting attention, too.
Movieline.com's countdown of the worst Hollywood remakes of the decade gives its grand prize to the Madonna-Guy Ritchie catastrophe Swept Away. But the list recognizes 2004's Around the World in 80 Days in the number nine slot, giving Anschutz a nod (or a slap) in the process. The item reads:
Ever wonder what Denver will be like after the rapture? Me neither -- but the folks behind the Fox animated series American Dad clearly have.
"Rapture's Delight," the most recent episode, finds central couple Stan and Francine stranded on earth as the rest of the family floats heavenward -- and mayhem follows. This scene features a gone-native Stan in a "New Denver" watering hole, where he gets physical with "Commander Jesus," who he accuses of stealing his woman.
The place looks like hell -- but at least you can still get a drink...
Diane Tvert co-stars with Mason in the piece above, which aired on an Arizona TV station. During the clip, she dismisses the idea of being shocked by her son's mission to legalize weed, describing herself as "a child of the Seventies... I was exposed." She adds that she thinks people "would be safer if they sat down and smoked a joint than if they sat down and drank a six-pack."
Special bonus: The package also features footage from an anti-marijuana public-service announcement in which one pot-smoking student proudly announces, "I got straight D's!," after which a dude boasts, "I left my ex-girlfriend 27 messages last night!" Does that mean marijuana leads to relationship harassment? Or was he so stoned that he lost count? It's up to you to decide.
Square State blogger Something The Dog Said recently saw the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Christmas special and concluded the the show is sexist. Guess Santa's sleigh was pulled by male chauvinist pigs.
Alan Gottlieb at Education News Colorado calls for folks involved in debates about public schools to argue hard but be nice. Or else it's time out for the lot of you.
We're as sober as especially sober judges here at Westword -- yet, for whatever reason, we're just getting around to posting a joke Tonight Show host Conan O'Brien told about our search for a medical marijuana reviewer back on November 17.
At the end of our quest, we wound up doubling our (and hopefully your) pleasure by hiring not one but two medical marijuana critics. Check out samples of writing by William Breathes and The Wildflower Seed by clicking here and here. As for Conan's joke, it's about just past the five minute point in the video above (following some fascinating commercials) -- and we're referred to as "a Colorado newspaper."
Wonder how many viewers thought he was talking about the Denver Post?
Ronald Ferguson, 50, beaten to death at Territorial prison last week.
Lockup, MSNBC's voyeuristic peek at life inside America's nastiest prisons, launched its new season Saturday (*corrected) night with some cell floodings and tough talk by thick-necked inmates at Colorado's own Limon Correctional Facility.
This season (titled "Extended Stay: Colorado") will focus on Limon, a simmering high-security hoosegow that houses close to a thousand violent prisoners and has a troubled history of assaults and lockdowns.
Like its prototype, Cops, the MSNBC show isn't exactly an unbiased source of information about the criminals it finds so fascinating. The producers are dependent on corrections officials for access, and that clearly influences what they can and can't show about what really goes on behind bars.
Surprise! J.K. Simmons is in town! Oh, wait: you already knew that...
Last week, the folks behind the Starz Denver Film Festival ballyhooed a last-minute addition to the schedule -- a Sunday screening of a picture "on a clear runway to the Oscars" that would be introduced by a "surprise" appearance by an "award-winning and acclaimed actor" from the cast.
The clear implication: The movie would be Up in the Air, a much-hyped movie starring George Clooney. And if he showed up, his appearance would have immediately silenced gripes about a lack of starpower at this year's fest.
In the end, such complaints weren't squelched. After all, the introducer in question was J.K. Simmons, a character actor (as opposed to a star) who everyone already knew was in town to accept the fest's Cassavetes award earlier Sunday afternoon. His presence at the King Center unspooling was unexpected only because few knew he was part of Up in the Air. And he barely is.
Editor's note: This year's Starz Denver Film Festival, November 12-22, features more than 200 films. To help navigate this cinematic abundance of riches, we asked fest artistic director Brit Withey to highlight some worthy selections off the beaten screening-room path. Look for Brit's Picks each weekday through the extravaganza's close.
For the final weekend of this year's fest, Withey has chosen a typically eclectic trio of films to recommend. The diversity of their origins (they were made in the U.S., Denmark and Uruguay) echoes the event's theme this year -- "Destination: Anywhere."
Nicole strikes a pose with "Top Model" host Tyra Banks.
On Wednesday night, Louisville's own Nicole Fox was named the winner ofAmerica's Next Top Model. (Relive the season by visiting our recap archive.) That meant a day spent yesterday meeting the press -- and while she was open about sharing her social ineptitude on camera, she's anything but awkward in conversation.
In fact, Fox explodes every sexist stereotype about models being vapid and vacuous. The CU sophomore proves to be extremely bright and witty in a Q&A on view in its entirety below:
"A Room and a Half, or a Sentimental Journey to the Homeland."
Editor's note: This year's Starz Denver Film Festival, November 12-22, features more than 200 films. To help navigate this cinematic abundance of riches, we asked fest artistic director Brit Withey to highlight some worthy selections off the beaten screening-room path. Look for Brit's Picks each weekday through the extravaganza's close.
Russian animator Andrey Khrzhanovsky waited quite a while to make his feature-film debut, A Room and a Half, or a Sentimental Journey to the Homeland, screening today at 4 p.m. and 6:40 p.m. at the Starz FilmCenter. After all, he's 69-years old. But Brit Withey feels it was worth the wait. His two word synopsis of this initial effort: "It's amazing."
Editor's note: Catch up with Nicole Fox's journey to America's Next Top Model cycle thirteen victory by reading all our cycle thirteen recaps. Click to revisit episode two (with Lauren Conrad), episode three (when Nicole channels Gollum), episode four (the show Nicole barely survived), episode five (remember the "soulless fetus" reference?), episode six (with a Kim Karshasian sighting), episode seven (featuring the bizarre hapa challenge), episode eight (which was all about getting wet), episode nine (when Nicole landed in the finals), and last night's hard-fought triumph. Oh yeah: That stuff in our episode one recap below about Nicole having little chance to win? That's proven to be wrong. Really wrong.
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