Hardgrip, destined-to-suck rock climbing game, coming to Nintendo Wii

"Quick--press 'A' to dyno!"

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If you've always dreamed of sending killer routes up rock faces but aren't so down with the "outdoors" thing, your prayers have been answered: Vaguely-named game producer Human Soft plans to bring a climbing video game to the Wii.

Called (gag) Hardgrip, the game will reportedly allow users to "experience the thrill and adrenaline of free soloing some of the most amazing rock walls in the world with vertigo-inspiring graphics, a pulse-pounding soundtrack, and dizzyingly realistic climbing action." Well, as realistic as you can get in the comfort of your living room, or your parents' basement, as the case may be.

Here's a couple reasons why this game is fated to eat a whole buncha ass:
1) Video games are kind of antithetical to the climbing ethos (uh, being outside?), so I'd be surprised if any real climbers are involved. If they are, they're hacks.

2) 'Lifelines?' Do they mean 'ropes?'

3) It looks like the climber is ascending some sort of Mayan temple. That's a big environmental no-no--remember the whole Dean Potter/Delicate Arch climbing fracas? That shit got him fired from Patagonia.

But perhaps I'm wrong. Maybe this thing will somehow live down its woeful origins and go on to become the Guitar Hero of Boulder or something. Even Eldo has rainy days.