Hell-ooo, nurse: Your Halloween guide to slutty occupations
Since time immemorial, Halloween has represented a way for us to shed our normal day-to-day selves and try on a new identity. Interestingly, though, in that quest to embody something new, we seem to opt most often to imitate only the slutty members of the professions we take on -- and that can lead to a confusing influx of assless cop uniforms, which are normally pretty rare. So that you, dear reader, can avoid the embarrassing gaffe of mistaking the impostor for the real thing, we bring you our guide to navigating the esoteric world of slutty occupations. (Photos by Kate Levy -- see the full slideshow).
The Slutty Sailor
Known for being dashing adventurers whose nipples you can totally see if you look really close while they're not looking, slutty sailors adventure the high seas, keeping America safe from terrorists and very large fish.
How they differ: In general, slutty sailors drink less grog than regular sailors, opting instead for the more exotic "appletini." Also, they are apparently exempt from wearing ridiculous bell-bottoms.
The Slutty Bumble-Bee
Noted for its strict sense of societal organization, the slutty bumble-bee (bombus terrestris skankiens) lives in hives, or as they are more commonly known, "sororities."
How they differ: Although they are capable of bee-like behaviors, the slutty bumble bee's vomiting does not produce honey, and they are incapable of pollinating anything -- in most cases, researchers have argued, it works the other way around.
The Slutty Nurse
Like the regular nurse, the slutty nurse is primarily known for providing the nuts-and-bolts aspects of health care, such as monitoring patient status, taking care of discomfort and totally holding your hair if you vomit.
How they differ: Though the slutty nurse is likely to have some Ibuprofen in her purse to ward off tomorrow's hangover, her ability to dispense medication is limited -- she's much less likely to be "administering" shots so much as "doing" them.
The Slutty Superman
Superman serves several indispensable societal functions: saving Metropolis from villains, punching through shit like brick walls and looking completely different without glasses than with them, just to name a few. Of all the professions listed here, the superman is also naturally the closest to "slutty," the uniform employing, as it does, the use of spandex and red underpants.
How they differ: The key difference is essentially that the slutty superman is just sluttier than regular superman. Also, slutty superman cannot do anything that requires lifting the arms above shoulder height.
Slutty Gretel... or something
The key function of the slutty Gretel is to assist people in finding their way back to civilization after their parents abandon them in the woods using a variety of land-markers, such as bread crumbs, pebbles and drink umbrellas.
How they differ: The slutty Gretel never escapes from the candy house.