Local author wages war on Betty White, but could use your help

​To most of us, Betty White has become a recurring annoyance on our favorite shows, and while we've been curious how or why she suddenly came back into fashion, we've never put much thought into it. We let her do her thing because after all, she's old. However, according to Bradley Sands, a Boulder based author who recently saw his short story collection, My Heart Said No, but the Camera Crew Said Yes! released in paperback, Betty White has caused him some serious trouble. Enough trouble in fact, to name today, The Day Your Heart Stood Still... Day.

First off, we need to get some terminology out of the way. Sands is, by all accounts, an author of bizarro fiction, which he describes as, "fantastical, humorous, surreal, absurd and transgressive, often described as the literary equivalent of the cult section of the video store."

Have a look at the two following quotes from his book, My Heart Said No, but the Camera Crew Said Yes!, the first being from a story called "Abridged Version."

The moon rises. He glares at it, annoyed. It has reached the phase of the lunar cycle when the man in the moon waxes his chest hair.

The second from "Abusing My Interests."

I tear off the flesh on the right side of my face until it reaches my day-glo jacket, then keep tearing the fabric.

So it shouldn't be too much of a jump to get to the part where Betty White infiltrates Sands' home dressed in a mask and tight leather outfit then attempts to steal a copy of a short story, or when Sands claims White is a reptoid alien, a fact which came to light when "David Icke gave (him) irrefutable evidence in a dream." She's also managed to keep the books title story out of the collection, using, "supernatural malignancy."

But why would Betty White, an acclaimed fart-joke provocateur have it out for a Boulder author? According to Sands it's simple, "'My heart said no, but the camera crew said yes' means 'Betty White' in reptoid language." He also claims today, October 14, was chosen because it's the day "when Betty White's powers are supposed to be the weakest. It has something to do with astrology."

What's the goal of The Day Your Heart Stood Still... Day then? It's to beat Betty White in sales and potentially humiliate her. White's autobiography, Here We Go Again: My Life in Television saw a rerelease two days ago and Sands wants to beat it on the Amazon charts. It's not going to be an easy task; currently White's book is ranked 1,202 while Sands is ranked 53,173 (up from 225,522 earlier this morning).

It's not all for fun and profit though. Sands is willing to give out prizes to anyone who helps him destroy Betty White. The premise is pretty simple: buy the book and email Sands the third word of the first sentence in the fifth paragraph of page 73. After that there will be a random drawing, of which the grand prize winner gets a handwritten copy of the lost story as well as a life-long subscription to all of Sands' future books. If that doesn't suit your fancy, second place gets a few porn magazines and third gets a random collection of objects.

Somewhat curiously, Sands' newest novel, Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy was also just released.