Hell yeah, Santa: Kris Kringle rappels down the giant Denver Pavilions sign tonight

​There are certain things Santa Claus does all around the world: hang around at malls, jingle annoying bells for homeless people, slip his jolly ass down chimneys. And that's all fine and good, but in here in Colorado, let there be no doubt that old Saint Nick does not fuck around. Tonight, for the sixth year running, Santa will rappel down the giant "D" in the Denver Pavilions sign to symbolize the true meaning of Christmas -- commercialism -- after which he is expected to jump out of a helicopter, shred some gnarly pow, win an arm-wrestling competition and roundhouse-kick a schoolbus full of middle-schoolers in the face, causing them to rue the day they stopped believing in magic.

The rappel begins tonight at 5:30 p.m. And remember: He knows when you are sleeping.